John Kerry Takes Credit for al-Sadr's Looming Surrender

W A S H I N G T O N -- His forces decimated and forced to retreat from Karbala, Moqtada al-Sadr today offered to retreat from all other occupied cities and buildings in exchange for a "discussion" about his ultimate fate.

Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry was quick to tout his own role in the surrender-negotiations. "For months, I have been lecturing Americans, at some great length and with numerous solmnolent asides, sub-clauses, caveats, and the like, about the great and pressing need at this point in time for George W. Bush to abandon his arrogant and reckless policy and finally announce what I term a 'plan' for managing Iraq," the candidate said. "Finally, George Bush heeded my advice, and announced his 'plan' on Monday. Within 48 hours, Moqtada al-Sadr was offering to surrender."

Liberal "security experts" were quick to congratulate Senator Kerry. "What a difference a 'plan' makes," said Fred Kaplan, a somewhat-girlish and incompetent "defense writer" at the amateur webzine Slate. "This just proves that we've been right all along: we should raise taxes immediately, or whatever it is we're talking about."

Indeed, al-Sadrist forces have been taking heavy casualties since the day of the speech. In Kufa, 32 insurgents were killed when point three of the 'plan' was detonated in a safehouse they were hiding in. In Karbala, Marines unleashed thousands of points and sub-points of the 'plan,' riddling dozens of Sadrists with wounds. Terrorists attempted to detonate a bomb near the entrance to the so-called Green Zone in Baghdad, but soldiers were protected from the blast by deploying 'the plan' to shield them.

"Good Gravy!" said Lance Corporal Herbert C. Reilly of the 51st Battalion. "For a year, we've been just running around with guns and grenades and radios and such. We didn't even know this miracle weapon called 'a plan' existed. If they had this 'plan' all along, why the hell didn't they deploy it into the field?" He shakes his head sadly. "I saw an Iraqi civilian get his head cut off by a terrorist bomb a week ago. I imagine that if I'd had 'the plan' on me at the time, I might have been able to perform cranial reattachment surgery and save him."

MSNBC commentator/fat kid picked last for kickball Chris "Sweet Pillows" Matthews was unstinting in his criticism. "Damn the arrogance of the Bush adminstration," he said. "If they'd only admitted earlier they needed 'a plan'! We might have never suffered a single casualty in Iraq at all."

Dispirited al-Sadr insurgents, now taken prisoner, were quick to agree. "Well-trained marines with heavy guns, Army soldiers in lethal tanks, airmen patrolling our skies in fantastically deadly aircraft-- all these I was prepared for, and ready to confront," Ahmad al-Mohammed says. "But when I heard the Americans now had 'a plan,' I surrendered immediately. What weapons can contend against such a thing? I am willing to die for Allah, but I certainly didn't sign up into an Islamist death-cult just to commit suicide."

Related: Ann Coulter's latest is definitely worth a read, if only to see her write the word "tit."