Hmmm. Perhaps I can write my accompanying book, The Year Of No, where for an entire year I'm rejected by every woman I ask out?

Probably won't sell many copies.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

In related news, coffee may act as an aphrodisiac for women. Or at least on female rats. Close enough, I guess.

Close enough? I smell another sex blog coming.

Hey Michael, want to come up for some coffee?

Her title should be
"Dating: like a Viking!"

I know a lot of women who'd actually be better off if they tried this for awhile, at least then they get to sample a broad cross section instead of just dating slight variations on the exact same alchoholic sociopath over and over.

Great. She steals my dating style AND writes a book about it?

I hope Maureen Dowd is paying attention.

Cordially...

I believe this woman's name is "Elaine Costanza".

1. Is this woman grotesquely ugly or morbidly obese? Either one might explain some of her relationship issues.

2. Were the nine sexual assignations one-night stands?

3. Does anyone have this worthless skank's phone number?

If you want to know what a woman who gets asked out 150 times a year looks like, head on in and click "Who" in the sidebar.

Is this woman grotesquely ugly or morbidly obese?

A slender 5ft 3in, with cropped dark hair, Headley has a disarming smile that consumes her face, crinkling her features and swallowing her eyes.

That "swallowing her eyes" part makes her sound like a Muppet.

Aaahh! The goggles! They do nothing!

A little oldish for this kind of escapade, I'd think...this is more the kind of thing I'd expect from some twentysomething arts major. Or maybe Maureen Dowd talked her into it, just to see if the theory was sound before she tried it herself.

I guess being a ho-bag doesn't carry the same stigma it used to.

Great fun until her beaver falls off from The AIDS.

She's 28, Monty.

She's 28, Monty.

You. Are. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Many years-- or one wonderful, date-a-rific year-- of hard living, obviously.

Although, let's be honest: I'd hit it.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

28 appears to be the age of her implants. She's been definitely rode hard and put away wet.

Cordially...

28?!? Are you shitting me?

Man, if that's 28, she's going to look like a wrinkled doormat when she's 40. And I'm not sure if she's smiling or getting ready to unhinge her jaw so she can eat a guinea pig whole.

...or does this make me sound like a pig? Am I so centered on a woman's looks that I cannot understand the crie de couer that would cause her to take such a step? Must I be so fixated on outward appearances?

Yes. Yes I must. I am the product of millions of years of evolution, and my ape forbears have decreed that pontoons and an apple-shaped bootie are the essence of perfection. It would be a spit in the eye of science if I found her in any way attractive.

Here, here, Monty.

Millions of years of evolution can't be wrong.

Unless, of course, we bring Chris Klein into the picture.

This woman is CHEAP and LOOSE with morrels that are like HOLLYWOULD STARS she should be ashamed like a WHORE would be ashamed cause she is a SLUTTY CHICKEN!

She did this when she was 21.

Every time i try to have "coffee" it never seems to go as i planned. Grr. Damn chemicalls.

She's 28

No. Fucking. Way.

lmao, "smile that consumes her face...and swallowing her eyes" after seeing the pic, i think that may be the best description i've ever read.

a little coffee is all it takes? damn it, i've wasted all these years buying flowers to try and impress female rats.

So, for a year she used more judgement buying fruit in a supermarket than she used in her personal life.
Maybe she can write another book about buying whatever groceries strangers put in her cart.

I didn't need to read her bio to know she married some guy old enough to be her dad.

Anybody else having problems reading her website? The text is screwy. WHO has an extra letter.

Yeah, she's 28 in slut years. That's like 63 for normal girls.

Can anyone say "Pee Wee Herman"?

There were plenty of unsettling moments, Headley admits. One was the date with "the Boxer", who asked her to meet him in a strip club. He disappeared for a lap dance, before taking Headley home with him. "I so wanted him to be a better person than he was," says Headley. "But he was just not very nice."

"I am leaving, I am leaving."

but the fighter still remains

All kidding aside, though -- Jesus, how f'ed up can your life be if you'll just go out with any nutcase who comes along? Especially in the Big Nasty City. That's almost asking to be raped or killed. It also doesn't say much for this woman's judgement -- in fact, it makes me wonder if she might be limited in some fundamental way.

My bet: she has "daddy" issues. Big ones. This marriage will end in a nuclear catastrophe, she will take half the chump's earthly possessions, and then write another book about what a bastard he was to her. Then she'll go on Oprah, where she will be warmly received. Then Lifetime will make a movie out of it. And this sad, sorry woman will probably enter her middle years much as Maureen Dowd has: bitter, lonely, and angry at everyone except herself.

Or as Isaiah put it (chapter 28, verse 15):

Because ye have said, We have made a covenant with death, and with hell are we at agreement; when the overflowing scourge shall pass through, it shall not come unto us: for we have made lies our refuge, and under falsehood have we hid ourselves:

therefore thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious corner stone, a sure foundation: he that believeth shall not make haste.

Judgment also will I lay to the line, and righteousness to the plummet: and the hail shall sweep away the refuge of lies, and the waters shall overflow the hiding place.

Hey Boxer...these lines seem more appropriate:

"Asking only workman’s wages, I come lookin’ for a job, but I get no offers

Just a comeon from the whores on 7th avenue

I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome

I took some comfort there"

Does anybody else think that "coffee dates" are lame?

I once said to a guy who suggested that we meet for coffee: "Listen, are you asking me out on a date? Because meeting at the coffee shop is not a date. And if you want to take me out, pick me up at my house."

I guess I wasn't placating...

My wife and I have been arguing about this sort of thing for years. It always drove me crazy when I would watch something like Ally McBeal and have her constantly moan on and on about how desparate and lonely she was, by which she meant that despite the fact that she dated 3 different guys a week none of them lived up to her exacting standards.

Whereas when a guy is "desparate and lonely" it means that he can go years and even decades without a date, much less scrumpy-time.

This is a perfect example. There isn't anything particularly attractive about this woman, yet she dated more in a year than any man I know could in a lifetime. Thank god I am now 40, the age where the balance of power finally shift toward the male!

Jack M.

true dat.

double true.

lmao... From her bio:

In grade school, people called her Maria Diarrhea. In high school, she was dubbed Maria "Gives Good" Headley.

Bleh. Then there are the guys who never ask you out for coffee. Instead, it's always, Let's go away for the weekend. Yeah, right. What's your name again?

Totally true, Arminus. Unlike men, any woman under the age of 50 and 400 pounds can get a date-- and sex-- whenever they want to.

They can just email me.

Desperate and lonely,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Come on, Dave. You've got a blog and an X-Box and a desk at the Pentagon. Life is good.

Every morning when you get up, I want you to go to the mirror and repeat this ten times: "I'm celibate because I choose to be." Works for Allah!

Unlike men, any woman under the age of 50 and 400 pounds can get a date-- and sex-- whenever they want to.

Sure, if she acts slutty enough, which some women can't bear to do.

She only got asked out 150 times over the course of an entire year?

Pfft, amateur.

I wanted a real man, but one who had read all of Shakespeare. Instead, I was getting all these wussy guys…

Hey Bbeck? Busy Friday night?

Does anybody else think that "coffee dates" are lame?

Why, yes, Lipstick, I do. I'm not like those other guys. I'll take you out to the best Stuckey's restaurant in the tri-state area and have them cook you up a slab of beef the size of a trunk-lid. I'll even make them sprinkle real chives on your 'tater instead of that nasty-tasting fake shit they normally use.

Then, later, as we retire to my doublewide, I'll go all out and pen up my three ferocious mastiffs so they don't try to devour you. The sheets will smell of a gentle spring rain, being only a week or so out of the wash. The sheen of pet-hair on the coverlet will only add to the romantic ambience. I will open a his-and-hers pair of Coors tall-boys and we can toast this magical evening!

And where other men might go the easy route and present long-stemmed roses to their ladies, I go for the truly romantic gesture of presenting you with my own severed earlobe, which you can wear on a thong around your neck as a token of our love.

Sure, if she acts slutty enough, which some women can't bear to do.

Ahhh, yes. I call this woman "my ex-".

Oh, and Allah? You're right, life is good. Could be better, though. If only that asshole Gary Glitter hadn't ruined my vacation plans. . .

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Sorry, only wussy guys read all of Shakespeare.

El Greco, I'm gonna have to bash your head in with a hammer for that one. Nothing personal.

And I should point out that I only read the Comedies under duress; A Midsummer Night's Dream was the only one I really liked. I found The Tempest to be a pain in the ass, and As You Like It was boring as hell. But it was either read them or get a one-way ticket to Flunkytown.

Hey Bbeck? Busy Friday night?

See how easy it is to get asked out if you say the right thing? ;)

She reminds me of the real Bridget Jones.

I rented Bridget Jones and watched all of it.

Then I rented the sequel a week later. Ten minutes into it, I came to my senses and ejected the DVD and promptly returned it to its envelope.

See guys, take notes--Monty really knows what the ladies like. A nice meal, a clean double wide and some good non-union beer.

And Monty, dear, to seal our bond, I will use your severed ear as my I.U.D.

Won't that be nice?

And Monty, dear, to seal our bond, I will use your severed ear as my I.U.D.
--Lipstick

Hey Lipstick, is this you clever way of telling Monty he can go fuck himself?

Here's a much better photo of her from 2003 I found.

http://www.wordsmitten.com/images/maria_hdbw.jpg

You know, I don't think her basic premise is that bad. Back in 2002, I completely shook up my life by agreeing to myself that, for a month, I would accept every invitation that I recieved. Passing acquaintance wants to go out for coffee? Go. Friend of a friend has an extra ticket to a band that doesn't sound interesting? Go. Guy who is nice but not "my type" wants to take me out to dinner? Go. Guy who might be married wants my phone number? Knock yourself out.

However, I wasn't just looking for people to date, sex wasn't involved, and I wasn't throwing caution to the wind and accepting dates with homeless people or lesbians. Because I was over 30, I also drew the line at making a second date with the 18-year-old (but I was damn flattered).

I did end up changing my life tremendously by getting out of my rut, and that's a good lesson to teach. But if her ultimate point really is, "You must have a boyfriend, no matter what you have to go through to get one," then no thanks.

And on another note, that smile is seriously scary, and it does make her look 40. Yikes.

Hey Lipstick, is this you clever way of telling Monty he can go fuck himself?

No. What? That wasn't romantic? Have I ruined things?!

Well, maybe I've just got to realize that Stuckey's is just too good for the likes of me.

A man like Monty will remain an unattainable dream...

*sniff*

Lipstick, I either ignore you or poke fun at you. Do anything for ya?

Hey Monty,

Bash away, I'm wearing a helmet made by ApNano!

Is Chris Klein friends with Shakespeare? Absolutely. Does he read his work? No.

A man like Monty will remain an unattainable dream...

Oh, I'm attainable. Just make sure you do what I want, where I want, how I want, as often as I want, and don't bug me when I'm reading or watching television or taking a crap. Apart from those little foibles, I'm the easiest person in the world to get along with.

So that's what 28-year-olds look like. Guess John Derbyshire was right after all.

that chick is broke

Lipstick, I either ignore you or poke fun at you. Do anything for ya?

Yeah. It reminds me of my brother when we were growing up.

hehe

I have always thought of you as an older sister who hands-me-down her sneakers.

Scratch that. Make it "younger" sister.

Excellent recovery Bart-Michael.

And my brother wears size 15 shoes, but in mens' sizes I am a mere 9 1/2.

I guess we do have a lot in common.

C'mon, Lipstick. Let me sweep you off those big feet of yours. With your looks and my welfare check (not to mention a thrift-shop and donated-commodities center down the road), we can live like royalty! I envision a day when you get the Dairy Queen job and they pick me up as the night janitor down to the bowling alley -- by God, I get tears in my eyes just thinking of the possibilities.

The only Shakespeare I made it through was Queen Alexandria and Murray.

Ok, I pretty much finished Iphegenia in Brooklyn, but the ending was so predictable.

Did you see the photo of the "lucky" man?
The man who has inherited this syphilis candidate?

Incidentally, it is interesting Headley dated and hadsexual relations with woman. It is further proof on my new homosexual theory: homosexual behavior is merely a fetish. A fetish that many will adapt as a lifestyle (and consider themselves as a distinct group of people) but it is, in reality, the equivalent to other fetishes such as extreme tattoo/piercing coverage, sex with obese women or animals, or sado-masochism.

Methinks the A-Man has way too much time on his hands. He is credited with every other post here. What gives Allah? Working as the Almighty getting too boring? Not enough infidels to slay and oceans to dry up?

You inspire me dude. I wish I was merely a zillionth as omnipotent as you. Push some cute chicks my way will ya?

Subsunk

You've got to be kidding me. 9 guys actually had sex with HER!?!?

Have I read the entire works of Shakespeare? No, but I DID see "Trip Shakespeare" from Minneapolis play the bar at the Memorial Union back in college. They were just coming off the release of their masterpiece "Are You Shakespearienced?", and they basically rocked the house. Or so my friends told me the next day, because the tequila I drank made the hottie I was talking to come in double, and I had to concentrate REALLY hard on her, because everyone wants to have a threesome with hottie twins, right?

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

She's under 30!?!!?!

I know 50-year-olds who are more attractive than her. Younger-looking, too.

I think some people have WAYYYYY too much time on their hands. Possibly that's because they're sitting alone. In their apartments. In front of their computers. Obsessing about the attractiveness of other people. Please. Get a life. Or maybe, don't. I'm not sure I know anyone who'd actually like to spend quality time with most of you. A couple of exceptions, but jeez.

someone else,

Then don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out, son.

Subsunk

Monty,

You sound exactly like a wanna be member of the New York intelligentsia that Headley mentions in the opening of her book. Over read and under developed.
I can just imagine you saying-
"Ohhhhh I'm sooo smart I want to fuck myself. God I'm so sexy I think that I will sit at home alone (again) and masturbate while reading chuck Palahniuk. Or as a special treat (since today is Thursday) I think I'll paste my favorite picture of Pres. Bush on my blowup doll and really go to town."
I love blogs like this because I love to imagine the fat, ugly, lonely people like Monty, and Allah and Dave who pride themselves on their acerbic tongues and have secret hard-ons for Maureen Dowd (Monty?) I imagine all these frustrated misogynists sitting down at their computers to make themselves feel better about never having published anything more substantial than these blog entries by completely eviscerating someone who has actually published a book.
Oh and do I think that she's attractive? Yes, boys she is, though she doesn't look anything like Paris Hilton and apparently that upsets your tummies.

Monty,

You sound exactly like a wanna be member of the New York intelligentsia that Headley mentions in the opening of her book. Over read and under developed.
I can just imagine you saying-
"Ohhhhh I'm sooo smart I want to fuck myself. God I'm so sexy I think that I will sit at home alone (again) and masturbate while reading chuck Palahniuk. Or as a special treat (since today is Thursday) I think I'll paste my favorite picture of Pres. Bush on my blowup doll and really go to town."
I love blogs like this because I love to imagine the fat, ugly, lonely people like Monty, and Allah and Dave who pride themselves on their acerbic tongues and have secret hard-ons for Maureen Dowd (Monty?) I imagine all these frustrated misogynists sitting down at their computers to make themselves feel better about never having published anything more substantial than these blog entries by completely eviscerating someone who has actually published a book.
Oh and do I think that she's attractive? Yes, boys she is, though she doesn't look anything like Paris Hilton and apparently that upsets your tummies.