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January 06, 2006

Jon Stewart Will Host The Oscars

...and Dirty Centaurs/Fort Awesome has a sneak transcript (not really) of his opening monologue:

STEWART: Wow, thank you so much! It's so nice to be here hosting the Oscars, where the winners are decided by an unbiased count of votes. That makes it a democratic process, unlike some institutions!
(the audience laughs and titters, amazed at Stewart's cutting-edge boldness)

STEWART: I'm referring, of course, to George W Bush, who stole the last two elections! Ha!

(audience ROARS with laughter already. Camera closes in on Cameron Diaz, with uncontrollable tears streaming down her hideous face)

STEWART: Thank you, thank you. You know, it's up for Best Picture, but one of the more disappointing performances at the box office was the remake of "King Kong." I guess that no one in America was really interested in seeing a movie about a monkey, since we've already had five years of George W Bush!

(audience ROARS with laughter again. Camera zooms in on Jake Gyllenhaal, who is, rather comically, braying like a donkey)

STEWART: Because, you know, George W Bush looks really silly! Like a monkey!

(Laughter repeats. Focus on Leonardo DiCaprio, who has just now gotten the joke and tries to make up for it by laughing really hard)

And there's more, of course.

Man, that Jon Stewart. How does he come up with this stuff? He's so brave. I mean, you're sitting there thinking "Oh no way will he go there," and before you know it, he's not only there already, he's there -- with bells on.

The most courageous man in comedy. The only truth-teller reporting on the news today (according to Fox News Watch's idiot lefty Neal Gabler).

posted by Ace at 02:01 PM

Comments

He'll be the perfect host for the big "Brokeback" sweep. It's gonna shake Red America to it's foundations.

"But I've now seen the movie three times (twice with my wife, if you have to know) and it is one of the most devastating Hollywood love stories of all time."-Jack Matthews, NY Daily News

Of. All. Time.

Don't believe? Check out the rest of the review...

http://www.nydailynews.com/11-05-2002/entertainment/col/jmatthews/story/380094p-322765c.html

Posted by: Dr. Remulak on January 6, 2006 02:07 PM

I know you faggot Rethuglicans love Brokeback Mountain! Fags!

Posted by: Proud Liberal Vet on January 6, 2006 02:09 PM

His ability to deliver jokes while talking around Hillary's penis in his mouth is the incredible thing.

Way more impressive than the bit with the ventriloquist drinking a glass of water.

Posted by: lauraw on January 6, 2006 02:41 PM

Stewart is moving into the outskirts of Bill Maher territory; a short, smarmy, condescending prick who becomes more punchable with each self regarding joke.
He's still not as big an asshole as Maher, who I would like to catapult into an active volcano.

Posted by: UGAdawg on January 6, 2006 03:13 PM

The Daily Show- proving that we CAN find someone both smarmier & less intelligent sounding than Craig Kilborn on a daily basis

Posted by: HowardDevore on January 6, 2006 04:07 PM

Proud Liberal Vet, you're a regular Noel Coward, ain't ya.
I mean, really?This is something you sat down and thought about before you typed it?
Call John Stewart, he has a job waiting for you.

Posted by: jjs on January 6, 2006 04:08 PM

"His ability to deliver jokes while talking around Hillary's penis in his mouth is the incredible thing."

For my first post I have to admit- Next to some of Cheneys cock jokes that is the single funniest line I had read to date on AOSHQ.

Just so you know. (In a Viking kid of way)

Posted by: gdonovan on January 6, 2006 04:29 PM

"His ability to deliver jokes while talking around Hillary's penis in his mouth is the incredible thing."

For my first post I have to admit- Next to some of Cheneys cock jokes that is the single funniest line I had read to date on AOSHQ.

Just so you know. (In a Viking kind of way)

Posted by: gdonovan on January 6, 2006 04:29 PM

But what did Stewart say that wasn't true?

Of course, calling Bush a monky...gives monkey's a bad name.

Can they sue?

Posted by: Thomas on January 6, 2006 05:32 PM

Well Thomas, how can we tell if Stewart actually is saying anything, or if HILLARY!s* penis is actually talking and echoing out of the sides of his mouth.

*That HILLARY- she's always trying to copy Dick Cheney

Posted by: HowardDevore on January 6, 2006 06:07 PM

I still dont watch the OSCARS its awaste of time they olny give it to movies with the most left-wing themes rememebr they ignored THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST completely

Posted by: spurwing plover on January 6, 2006 08:47 PM

Duhhh . . . Matt Damon

Posted by: Matt Damon on January 6, 2006 10:06 PM

I wonder how close Ace will be on this. Ace should host the oscars or mayby have a conservitive daily show. Except funny though.

Posted by: smackster on January 7, 2006 03:03 AM