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« LAT Prints Hoax Story On Front Page | Main | Great... Trojan Horse Targets Adsense Ads »
December 28, 2005

GeekPorn: The Weapons Of Conan The Barbarian

Hell in a Handbasket just sent me that tip about the LA Times publishing a hoax story on page one, so, it seems, I now have to play "tag-team with hyperlinks" with him.

See, he just said I'm important, so it's time to say, "I'll have none of that, Hell in a Handbasket. You are the one who is most exquisitely important."

But, seriously, I love Conan the Barbarian, though I was pretty disappointed with it as a kid. As an adult-- it's better. Not great, but lots of fun. And the weapons and armor are terrific.

Swords.

Spears. I'm a big fan of the spear. You don't see spears used prominently in movies much. They're very disrespected as a medieval weapon. Dragonslayer made good use of one, and of course Troy had a lot of short-spears.

Axes. The axe is a sort of dumb, brutish retarded cousin to the handsome, stately, upwardly-mobile sword. They get more respect than spears, just because of the Heavy Metal/Frank Frazetta cache of that big blade held overhead, but not enough. Usually a bad guy uses one. Or maybe a big thuggish sidekick to the hero. They're aren't many axe-wielding heroes, unfortunately.

Other weapons, including the giant maul and bows.

Now he and I will pile on the poor working-class wretch who ran that hoax story on the front page of the LA Times. Because incivility and schadenfreude in the hands of a spoiled effete brat is kind of like a snake-arrow in the hands of James Earl Jones.


posted by Ace at 11:30 PM
Comments



I prefer a Browning 1919A4.

Posted by: USCitizen on December 28, 2005 11:36 PM
Posted by: rho on December 28, 2005 11:39 PM

Hear, hear! I too am a huge fan of Conan the Barbarian. Seen it hundreds of times since it first came out when I was just a lad... The part after his recovery when he performs his practice form on the beach... fantastic.

Posted by: Jester on December 28, 2005 11:59 PM

This seems like something that would fit in here:

A link to "The Nameless Dread," in which Family Circus meshes with H.P. Lovecraft-

Posted by: RS on December 29, 2005 12:01 AM

Actually, I think it's a really good movie by any standard. Milius is terrific -- too bad he was off the screen for so long before Rome (which is also quite good).

Posted by: someone on December 29, 2005 12:04 AM

co-written by Oliver Stone, you know.

Posted by: ace on December 29, 2005 12:14 AM

Cool guys with axes: Thor and Paul Bunyan, and, of course, Jimi Hendrix.

Posted by: robert108 on December 29, 2005 01:31 AM

Thor used a hammer.

But I fully agree with Ace's opinion of spears. Most of my D&D melee-type characters carried a spear, not to mention it kept me out of the arguments over who gets the +2 flametongue greatsword.

Posted by: Alex_fs on December 29, 2005 02:34 AM

If you ever get the director's cut (I think that's the version), put on the commentary by John and Arnold. Pretty funny stuff, mostly about Arnold and all the babes on the set. The coup, though, comes at the beginning with the introductions:

Milius (in an Austrian accent): Hello, I am Arnold Schwartzenegger.

Arnie (also in an Austrian accent): And I am John Milius the Great-- and, if you believe that, then you believe there are Richard Simmons Jr.'s running around! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Three laughs from Arnold, literally. Classic. Oh, and nice sword, too. Hmm, that sounds rather gay, viking gay.

Posted by: ArmChair in sin on December 29, 2005 06:29 AM

I second that comment, Armchair. The commentary on the latest DVD is unexpectedly hilarious!

Posted by: Jester on December 29, 2005 07:44 AM

DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN

Posted by: spurwing plover on December 29, 2005 10:16 AM

A seven-foot spear will spit a swordsman nine times in ten, unless he's got a shield. Trouble is, most of 'em do ...

Posted by: Steve Johnson on December 29, 2005 10:34 AM

Didn't the Batman looking dude in "Fire and Ice" weild an axe? And Umslopogaas, the axe-wielding hero of Sir Henry Rider Haggard's
Allan Quatermain? But all they do is really add to Ace's contention that only sidekicks use axes.....

Posted by: JamesT on December 29, 2005 10:57 AM

I use an axe when I'm on the field at SCA events. But then I don't run a blog I only comment at one. So I guess I'm sort of a sidekick.

Posted by: Don Carne on December 29, 2005 01:33 PM

CONAN THE LIBRARIANS first book overdue cut off left arm second book overdue rut off right arm book lost,damaged destroyed decapatation after slow tourter

Posted by: spurwing plover on December 30, 2005 08:49 PM
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"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.
Basil the Great
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🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over
"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)
No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.
Now they've lost 84%.
Annunziata Rees-Mogg
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If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.
Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...
The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.


Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.
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Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.


Nick Lowles
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Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party
STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.
Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.
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That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"
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Socialist usurper Obama cut commercials urging Virginians to vote for the bizarre "lobster" gerrymander -- but now says gerrymanders are so racist you guys
Obama is complaining about the new Louisiana map -- but here's the thing, the new map has much more compact and rational borders than the old racial gerrymander map
Pete Bootyjudge is whining too. But here's the Illinois gerrymander he supports.
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