Fark used to have a running joke based on the SNL sketch using Wesley Clarke (this was during the nominations in early 2004). He was pretty ripe for ribbing since so many people were making him out to be some kind of blood-n-guts warrior who had a real soldier's take on foreign policy.

Any news about the nominations or Clarke himself would prompt a volley of absurd toasts to the man.

So he's out.

. . .

TO WESLEY CLARKE!!!

Bill Braskey drinks gasoline and eats rusty nails.

The SNL guy was Bill Brasky.

As far as a contender for a list, howsabout Fabio? There's gotta be some interesting stuff that could be made up about him, i.e. Fabio's hair is actually an alien species that controls his every thought.

John Lennon.

...or Elvis.

Charles Nelson Reilly

I think Abe Vigoda would a fine choice.

Hmmm... how about Ted Rall or Michael Moore?

Vinny F. Falcone

Or, in the alternative, "Joe."

Tom Sizemore

When you hear footsteps behind you and you turn around but no one is there, its Joe.

Jack Lord from Hawaii Five-O.

Amateurs.

Neil Diamond?
Adam West?

How about Allah?
Shits in his own Cheerios just to cut out the middleman.

"Hmmm... how about Ted Rall or Michael Moore?"

Michael Moore doesn't eat like a pig. Pigs eat like Michael Moore!

SHATNER!! Had to be said. That tiny solar system scientists discovered?...Shatner's brobdingnagian ass.

Sully

Vinnie Falcone or Paul Anka.

In keeping with the traditions of this site.

Alonzo Mourning, that cocksucker.

Donald Trump

or Englebert Humperdink

You need a real icon of his type for this. How about Carson Kressley of Queer Eye?

skinbad! LOL!!!

I think George Clooney's zeppelin of pretentiousness is in dire need of popping right now. Dr Doofus gets my vote.

What about ace?

ace: the man only has two uses for butane: mixing it with Val-U-Rite or setting his hair on fire so he can read in bed.

Bill O'Reilly's random loud-mouth populism gets on my nerves.

The trick is finding a trait that's fun to riff on. Norris' over the top machismo was the perfect target.

I recall a while back ace wanting to wrie a children's book featuring a charming and endearing character named Johnny F*cknuts. That's the guy we want.

What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now?
He'd make a plan and he'd follow through
That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

Jim Jay Bullock

Bob Dole?

Nah, not Ace. We riff on him anyway.

Frank Sinatra.

Saint Andrew of The Gobsmacked Heartache.

Nah, not Ace. We riff on him anyway.

Oh, all right. And come to think of it, Johnny F*cknuts is just ace wearing a crappy hat, anyway, so we can't use him, either

Al Franken. A wonderful combination of thin skin, egomania, cluelessness, hypocrisy, not to mention his longstanding anger issues; the man is over the top in multiple categories; a veritable Chinese "five delightful ingredients" feast of fun.

Ricardo Montalban.

I think you should do one on Jim Lampley.

Ricardo Montablan, huh?

I hear Ricardo once, using only the power of his accented voice, impregnated a room full of women.

Powers Boothe.

(that sound you're hearing is Dave squealing with girlish glee)

How could any of you not remember, especially as we celebrate his birth this time of year - the godman Jeff Gannon.

How can we forget the saddness that reigned over the conservative blogs for days and days as the liberals tauted their awe-inspiring victory over him.

Then how we rejoiced when he came back three days later balder and badder than ever posting here at Ace's site under the name Dr. Reo Symes.

Now some of that may be fake, but it is accurate.

I just googled Powers Booth and Dave at Garfield Ridge's man crush comes up 6th

Jeff Gannon's a kinda good one, except we already sort of did that, and, geeze, I'm sorry to say this, but the Mighty One is now a very old and dated story.

Okay, Russell Wardlow beat me with the Powers Boothe suggestion. But I'm surprised Charles Bronson hasn't been nominated yet:

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures that Charles Bronson allows to live.

To attain inner peace, Charles Bronson eats live Buddhists.

General Honore

Dave at Garfield Ridge.

So quick on stories, he warps space-time, traveling back to the event, telling the participants "It's old" before it actually happens!

Does it have to be a male?

I'm sure that if we put our heads together, we could come up with some fun "facts" about Atrios.

Has anyone considered the possibility that Atrios may no longer be with us and that a bot is "writing" his site?

It would explain a lot.

Powers Boothe.

(that sound you're hearing is Dave squealing with girlish glee)

Is that why he's squealing?

Wayne Newton or Gore Vidal.

Johnny Coldcuts....'nuff said

There's really only one choice. Sean Penn.

If you're even considering anyone else ask yourself this question. Have they been to Iraq?

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures that Charles Bronson allows to live.

To attain inner peace, Charles Bronson eats live Buddhists.

those are and would fit great on the Norris list (and should be added), but Bronson is too similar of genre to the bearded one himself for his own list.

wish i could edit my comments or had at least the patience of a hummingbird on crack to read what i type before posting. the above were both from Utron and are "both winners."

Keith Olbermann?

THAT'S what Media Matters does? Reprint old crap from people like Olbermann?

What a waste of money. Well, it would be a waste, anyway. If the money didn't belong to George Soros.

I'll second Sean Penn, the Angel of the Bayou (when he plugged the hole in his boat)

Well, there's an initial decision to make. Should this be someone we kinda like, or someone we actually hate?

If it's someone we hate like Olbermann, Penn, etc., it would be, I guess, ironically insulting, but still, on surface level, we'd be complimenting the guy. Which wouldn't feel right.

It feels righter to me to do someone who's either just silly (David Hasselhof) or silly but someone on our team (like Bill O'Reilly, who really does have a fucking ENORMOUS ego).

And if it's someone we like, should it be someone we love to hate/hate to love like O'Reilly, or a real f'n' cool guy like Brit Hume?

In the "people we like" category...

Bill O'Reilly -- so buffoonish

Karl Rove

Scooter "Scoots" Libby -- this would be fun in the same way claiming Jeff Gannon was such an Eternal Hero was.

Brit Hume -- really cool dude.

Ann Coulter -- duh.

Ace, there's a site already set up for taking nominations:

http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php?topthirty

See there Chuck Norris, Vin Deisel, and especially Mr. T.

Scroll to the bottom and see where you can add your own and vote on the best.

When you can breathe again after all that laughing, thank BaneDad for the link.

Thanks, but I thought we'd do it here.

Well, Stephen Colbert has already got Bill O'Reilly down.

Rove, Coulter, and Scooter would be good, but Brit is just too damn perfect and even modest about it. What's not to love there?

Not tryin' to commandeer the thread, Ace. Just thought readers would enjoy the other send-ups. Please delete the comment.

but Brit is just too damn perfect and even modest about it. What's not to love there?

Nothing. But the list of "cool facts" would all be complimentary, if far-fetched.

Ace: in that case -- Glenn Reynolds.

John Bolton
President Rudy

Ann Coulter's a great choice in the "hate to love/love to hate" category. Tough as nails, too. I picture a confrontation between her and Chuck Norris as being something like that battle between Logan and Yuriko in X-Men 2.

The almighty himself,

the president of the United States

the one

the only

the all powerful

and evil,

Dick Cheney.

Or Terrell Owens.

Or Peyton Manning.

How about:

Jack Abramoff
Joe Wilson
Tom "The Exterminator" Delay
Dick "Enormous Genitals" Cheney
Margaret "Prayer Warrior" Carlson
Michael "FEMA" Brown

I'm thinkin Cheney.

Gary Glitter

heh

A good Braskey quote:

So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra "Beverly". And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.

How about our very own warrior demi god Donald H. Rumsfeld. He doesn't take shit, he doesn't give shit, he's not in the shit business... but man he drives the moonbats wild

Valerie Plame, James Bondian superspy. The cover so deep, only suburban Virigina and most media figures outside of Bob Novak could be trusted with it.

Rumsfield.

It's unknowable how cool this man is.

or I could just spell his name right...Rumsfeld.

Okay, Dick Cheney. Playing off his kitten eating, comic book villian, evilness. And the enormous genitals. (and else)

Cheney? Is that where the consensus is heading?

Cheney works for me. Comic gold for all the reasons the good doctor mentioned.

Plus, I hear the guy's sneer can turn enemies into stone.

Billy Idol made a successful rock and roll career out of imitating Cheney's sneer.

Dick Cheney is so manly that one of his daughters is a man.

I'll go with Cheney. Just please make a reference to the cringe inducing throttling he gave that foppish phony John Edwards during the VP debates.

Barbara Striesand

Hume could be legendary. I'm not sure the fact that this guy is a complete bad ass is sufficiently remarked upon.