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October 21, 2005

Top Ten Signs You're Being Looted By "White Supremacists"

Right... so, Michelle Malkin noted that ABCNews had reported...

The crack investigative team pinned the rioting and looting on "white supremacists," looking past the fact that the rioters and looters weren't wearing Nazi paraphrenalia, weren't part of the small delegation of Neo-Nazis at the demonstration, and weren't, uhh, what's the word?, white.

So, just in case you're not sure if you're being looted by white supremacists, here are the Top Ten Signs You're Being Looted by "White Supremacists."

10. They keep calling you "cracker-ass cracker," which is old Ku Klux Klan slang for "traitor to the White Race"

9. A lot of them are wearing NBA jerseys, but not a single Celtics jersey in sight, because Nazis hate the Boston Celtics for that whole Robert Parrish betrayal

8. They make off with thousands of dollars worth of rap CD's, because Nazis ♥ gin n' juice, nines, & Escalades (also known as "Hitlermobiles")

7. One of them wears a big clock necklace like Flava-Flav, which is a Nazi symbol indicating it's time for the War of Racial Purity

6. After the riot, the looters go back to their headquarters to watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back, often called "the Triumph of the Will of the New Nazi Generation"

5. Frequent use of racial slur "nigga" -- what a giveaway

4. Some Nazis carry Jeri-Curl, the preferred accelerant for cross-burnings

3. The ringleader is a roadie for Sinbad, identified by the FBI as "the court jester of Holy White Race War Movement"

2. Al Sharpton believed sighted near the riot, and you know how he feels about Jews

...and the Number One Sign You're Being Looted by "White Supremacists"...

1. Presence of Malcom X t-shirts just further evidence of Neo-Nazis' famously droll sense of deliciously campy irony

Okay, So Maybe There Are Black Nazis After All: Seems this cat -- a "Dr. Kambon" -- is proposing the, let us say, Final Solution to the whole "white" problem, and it involves nothing less than the "extermination" (that's a quote) of the white race.

Thanks to the Shadow.

posted by Ace at 01:09 PM

Comments

"7. One of them wears a big clock necklace like Flava-Flav, which is a Nazi symbol indicating it's time for the War of Racial Purity"

Okay, THAT was funny.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on October 21, 2005 01:15 PM

7. One of them wears a big clock necklace like Flava-Flav, which is a Nazi symbol indicating it's time for the War of Racial Purity

Best. Line. Ever.

Posted by: someone on October 21, 2005 01:19 PM

Ace,

That #7 may just have to go into the "AoS HQ" fall of fame for teh funnay.

What are the odds on how long it will take O. Chubb to slap the "racist!" tag on Ace? Is there a betting book open someplace?

Posted by: Monty on October 21, 2005 01:26 PM

It'll take like three seconds. I almost didn't do this list because of that, but you know, it really is fucking absurd that ABCNews can watch hours of video of black rioters and then headline a story "White Supremacists Riot In Toledo, Ohio."

I hope I didn't cross any lines with the list, but, fuck it, they were black and ABCNews lied about it because they preferred the Nazis as the villains.

No doubt, Nazis make terrific villains, and if I were in entertainment, I would have made them the perps. Apparently ABCNews IS in the entertainment business, because they went with the time-tested, crowd-pleasing storyline over the, you know, truth.

"Storytelling." It's what the game is all about.

Posted by: ace on October 21, 2005 01:31 PM

Well, that *is* the reason why Indiana Jones always fights Nazis.

Oh, where is your wisdom now, Dr. Jones, when we need it the most?

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on October 21, 2005 01:33 PM

I hate Ohio Nazis.

Posted by: Lapsed Leftist on October 21, 2005 01:41 PM

You nailed this one. Nazis ain't nuthin if not camp.

Posted by: Nickie Goomba on October 21, 2005 02:15 PM

They come in all shapes and sizes.

Posted by: Allah on October 21, 2005 04:00 PM

I still love this crap.
"Hey, why are you guys tearing up the town and looting and stuff?"

"Because a pack of neoNazis wants to march through town shouting about how black folks are all criminals; and this made us mad."

"... okay. Now it makes sense."

"Now hand me that cinderblock."

Posted by: DaveP. on October 21, 2005 04:55 PM

acthung beotch

Posted by: on October 21, 2005 05:16 PM

I have a little white-guilt malaria type infection that I picked up from a Jewish girl on the Upper West Side, and it makes my squeakhole flutter a little when something's over the line. Thankfully, it was not heard from. Tough subject well played.

I especially appreciate the Old School flavor of the stereotyping--I kept expecting Will Smith or even Lamont Sanford to turn up.

Posted by: spongeworthy on October 21, 2005 05:27 PM

Awesome.

Posted by: rd on October 21, 2005 05:40 PM

The black nazi was one of my favorite charachters in Warrior of the Lost World.

Posted by: Dave Munger on October 21, 2005 06:10 PM

No fair! I laughed so hard my beer came out my nose.

Posted by: reverse_vampyr on October 21, 2005 06:30 PM

spongeworthy - or Dewayne Wayne?

Posted by: Knemon on October 21, 2005 08:53 PM

Ace,

So why didn't you post the actual content where the first sentence of the report stated that the protestors rioted and not the White Supremists?

My bad you just looked at the headline and got a hard-on thinking you'll slam them for something when it was obviously a typo.

Posted by: AlanB on October 22, 2005 03:33 AM