Ace of Spades HQ

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October 17, 2005

Ace of Spades HQ Fall-Fundraising Bonanza!!!

I hate shaking the cybercup, especially when this blog has been -- oh, what's the word? -- so lame lately (except for my superb co-bloggers, of course), but it's that time of year again. The Val-U-Rite discount vodka and Val-U-Rite discount Bloody Mary mix just doesn't buy itself, you know.

I haven't had one of these in a while. Last time I did, everyone was so generous I was able to buy myself a really nice Vietnamese whore. The kind of girl who says "I'll do anything," so you say, "Okay, do my taxes then," and she doesn't laugh at the joke, she just gets out the adding machine and starts doing erotic double-entry accounting.

Trouble is, I didn't so much buy her as rent her, and the bitch left two weeks ago and stole my television too. So, like, I need a new TV. And a new whore.

Once again, the math:

Assuming there are 3,000 frequent readers to this site:

If every frequent reader just donated one dollar through PayPal (no PayPal account needed; just a credit card or a checking account), that would be a sweeeeet-ass $3000 dollars for the bandwidth/TV/Vietnamese whore fund.

If every frequent reader donated five dollars through PayPal (did I mention-- you don't need a PayPal account to do so?), that would be an even sweeter $15 large.

If every frequent reader donated -- stay with me on this -- $100, that would be 300,000 damn-bastard dollars. That's big money-- that's Joshua Micah Ezekiah Oakenshield Finster Smythe Boutros-Boutros Marshall money.

And if every frequent reader donated -- not saying you should do this, but if -- fifty-frigging-thousand dollars each, that would be a fall-fundraiser haul of one-hundred-fifty million dollars, which, you know, would tide me over quite nicely until January. Or thereabouts. It depends on how much the whores steal from me.

Come on. I know a lot of you have fifty thousand dollars just sitting around uselessly in college funds for your kids or in "equity" in your homes (equity is The White Man's Lie, by the way).

posted by Ace at 02:54 PM

Comments

Shit, do I ever ask anything from you, other than a link every now and again? Hell, I don't even run Blogads. It's always gimme, gimme, gimme with you. Well, what about me? When is it *my* time?

Sigh.

Jesus effin Christ. . . done.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on October 17, 2005 03:01 PM

Well...okay...but this better not be some Sully-esque "take a vacation in Europe on the chump's dime". I'm contributing money to feed your alcohol/Vicodin/hooker jones simply because it allows me, even with my pathetic waste of a life, to feel superior to you.

But I swear to God, Ace...every Miers post knocks a dollar off the amount I would have given you otherwise. I shit you not. And ever further Miers post (pre-confirmation) knocks money off any future donations.

This is the free market in action, baby!

Posted by: Monty on October 17, 2005 03:05 PM

3000 readers x $100 = $300,000.

You could buy Vietnam for that much.

Posted by: Matt on October 17, 2005 03:07 PM

Uh.....

3000 readers at $100 each gives .... $30,000 ??

Suggestion - hold the bandwidth and TV, and put the emphasis on the Vietnamese whore/accountant, with further emphasis on the accountant bit.

Posted by: Doug on October 17, 2005 03:08 PM

every Miers post knocks a dollar off the amount I would have given A-Freakin'-men brother! I'm with you.

Ace owes us $437 U.S. - each.

And I'm not donating shit until I find out who won what in the poetry contest you welching blogger!! I swear to god you're just as bad as those teachers who take forever and a fucking day to grade essays. By the time you get your grade back, nobody gives a rat's ass.

Posted by: compos mentis on October 17, 2005 03:14 PM

Sorry for the loose math shit.

Thanks.

Monty, alas, I just posted another Miers post. But it's mostly about judicial restraint, so only dock me half.

I don't ask for much. I just want to drown my sorrows in cheap booze, Vietnamese whores, and upwards of 22 hours of television per day.

Posted by: ace on October 17, 2005 03:18 PM

Monty, did he just post Miers Again above to mock us?

And I just hit the button.

Ace, you have no shame. I hope you get Syphilis from the hooker AND I hope she gets you audited.

Posted by: compos mentis on October 17, 2005 03:20 PM

Loose math shit 2: 50K * 3K = 150 mil

Posted by: someone on October 17, 2005 03:20 PM

Compos-- tonight, okay?

Posted by: ace on October 17, 2005 03:21 PM

Ace,

Sorry, bub, I gotta be a hardass here. I let you slide on this, and the next thing you know we'll be in an Andrew Sullivan situation where everything is "gay marriage this" and "gay marriage that". And then you take my fucking money on some epic European gay-sex-club crawl, or something.

Now, I'm okay with the sex-club crawl thing (gay or otherwise), but the point is that I want to see it on this blog, and I want the money to be spent here in America. That's just good Conservative principles in action -- give your business to local vendors and pump up the local economy.

I'll make you a deal: I'll hold off docking you a dollar if you counterbalance your Miers coverage with sleazy details of your vodka-fueled trysts with your new "employee". What do you say?

Posted by: Monty on October 17, 2005 03:25 PM

Word is if Ace doesn't see enough money for a fifth of Riunite on Ice he's going to have a new co-host on "Raise the Red Lantern" (or whatever his little show is called).

I'm not saying who that host might be.

Posted by: Teri Gross on October 17, 2005 03:27 PM

Monty, anyone who uses the word winkle is incapable of being a hardass. Eloquent perhaps. Stingy, demanding, frugal - sure. Hardass, hardly.

Ace, whenever brother. I was just messin' around. Tonight's cool, but I'm not holding my breath. And you have a serious illness with this Miers chicky man. Get down with the sickness and write a fantasy post about porking her. Whatever it takes to cleanse the palate dude.

Posted by: compos mentis on October 17, 2005 03:33 PM

Ace,

And when I say "sleazy", I mean it: no weaseling out of providing the details by saying, "But when she said 'sucky sucky', I thought she was telling me her name".

That's the kind of thing that got Judith Miller into hot water, you know.

Posted by: Monty on October 17, 2005 03:38 PM

Crap, didn't I just give you like 25 bucks like 6 months ago?! And did I get a thank you? NO!!...

Sigh... Check, er, PayPal's in the mail... One of these days I gonna get some will power...

Posted by: JFH on October 17, 2005 03:40 PM

Hey Ace,

PayPal gives your contact address as a different one than the aceofspadeshq@gmail.com. Not sure if this is intentional, but just wanted to let you know in case you hadn't updated your account.

Posted by: Lapsed Leftist on October 17, 2005 03:45 PM

compos:

Winkle

A fine British term, used for ages, derived from the practice of extracting Periwinkles from their shells. Used by those with birth both low and high. A fine word and a good one to have in one's arsenal if one is to speak English properly.

We Yanks have adopted the word "ferret"(as a verb) in roughly the same sense: to ferret something out. But it doesn't quite have the euphonious character of winkle, in my opinion.

You will be tested on this, and penmanship counts.

Posted by: Monty on October 17, 2005 03:56 PM

Seriously, a contribution similar to a magazine subscription seems about right. I figure $12 (a buck a month) is the minimum if you read every day like I do. I think I'm about due to re-up, and I will. I appreciate all your original commentary and your tireless search for interesting stuff. Thanks.

Posted by: slickdpdx on October 17, 2005 04:05 PM

Monty, I know wtf winkle means. I looked it up after you first posted it. It sounds just as gay as ferret.

I do appreciate your assistance with expanding my vocabulary, though the words you have chosen to include (euphonious not excluded), were I to use them in public, would either raise more than an eyebrow, get my ass kicked , or both. ; )

Posted by: compos mentis on October 17, 2005 04:21 PM

were I to use them in public, would either raise more than an eyebrow, get my ass kicked , or both.

Curses! You have winkled out my secret plan! The "Compos Mentis Ass-Kicking Action Plan (Code Red-Alpha)" has been in effect for some time....

Oh, and Ace: I thought the "White Man's Lie" was the myth of the female orgasm. I mean, that's just crazy talk.

Posted by: Monty on October 17, 2005 04:27 PM

One time, in elementary school, I accidentally walked into the boys' lav and there was this kid in there and I saw his winkle.

Posted by: lauraw on October 17, 2005 05:44 PM

Too funny lw - a one eyed wink from a wrinkly tinkling winkle !

Posted by: compos mentis on October 17, 2005 05:56 PM

What is this "bandwidth" you speak of? Is it something we can buy in bulk at Costco?

Posted by: Bart on October 17, 2005 06:10 PM

The Val-U-Rite discount vodka and Val-U-Rite discount Bloody Mary mix just doesn't buy itself, you know.

Bloody Mary mix? I thought you used Pine Sol.

Posted by: OregonMuse on October 17, 2005 06:46 PM

Okay, I chipped in my two cents. But if you pull a Sully, and start handing out "Dave From Garfield Ridge Awards" for "loosest homo-hating comment of the day", I want my money back...

Posted by: drc on October 17, 2005 07:29 PM

I'm with compos.

Not one frigging dime until we find out who won the poetry contest.

Now, Ace, you know I am prepared to be generous, because you have boinked several Vietnamese hookers in the past at my expense. I'm especially prepared to be generous when I am drunk and in a good mood.

Like right now.

And my mood would be even better were you to suddenly announce that my Ode to Ogden Nash (a labor of love, I must say) was the winner of the poetry contest.

Just sayin'.

Posted by: Michael on October 17, 2005 07:33 PM

Ok ace, I'm donating a 20 in honor of Pussy Dave from Pussy Garfield Pussy Ridge just because his southsiders have made the world series for the first time since Dave was 30.

I expect you to spend it on 2 gallons of val-u-rite and you best comment when the sox win.

Posted by: midaz on October 17, 2005 07:59 PM

How much for the PONDEROUSA RANCH?

Posted by: spurwing plover on October 17, 2005 09:36 PM

derived from the practice of extracting Periwinkles from their shells

bunch o freaks.

Posted by: Dave in Texas on October 17, 2005 10:45 PM

I'd probably consider it a lot harder if you ever added me to your blogroll.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt on October 17, 2005 11:11 PM

Compos-- tonight, okay?

Like I said, I'm not holding my breath. OFW. At least you didn't post another goddam Miers topic tonight.

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ Ace! Lie to girls, not to me! I have half a mind. And I'm thinking of using a quarter of it to start my own blog and take whatever percentage I contribute to your site with me. That'll teach me not to sit at home, drinking Appletini's, watching Oprah re-runs and wondering if you lied to me again. Bastard!

Call me.

Posted by: compos mentis on October 18, 2005 01:45 AM

o.k. ace, I'll pony up. Other than your obsession with Meirs, you make my day. And I don't disagree too much with your Meirs point of view, only there are other things you need to cover.

Posted by: john on October 18, 2005 06:16 AM

Have a bottle on me, Ace. I donated because not only do I like your blog but I have also discovered other good ones from your comments. I think we would all miss this blog.

Posted by: Jayne on October 18, 2005 08:24 AM

Ka-Ching!!!

Posted by: Mark_D on October 18, 2005 10:50 AM

My pay when I can get shit for free in a public restroom?

Poor Acie can pay for his bloggy-woggy......awwwwwwww

Posted by: Ryan on October 18, 2005 04:18 PM

My pay when I can get shit for free in a public restroom?

Poor Acie can't pay for his bloggy-woggy......awwwwwwww

Posted by: Ryan on October 18, 2005 04:19 PM

Well, can he or can't he, Ryan? Make up your mind!

Posted by: SparcVark on October 19, 2005 11:18 PM

"My pay when I can get shit for free in a public restroom?"

OK, I'll bite. What the fuck is that sentence supposed to mean?

Posted by: zetetic on October 20, 2005 12:45 AM

OK, never mind, I get it now. It's still pretty stupid, though.

Posted by: zetetic on October 20, 2005 01:02 AM

http://freehost.crimeanet.com/screens/voyeurcams/first_voyeur.html eotardlockorgasm

Posted by: peeked on November 26, 2005 01:11 PM

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Top Headlines

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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[Hat Tip: TC] [CBD]

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Ted Turner Dies At 87 [CBD]

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TJM definitively ranks the films of Billy Wilder, like Some Like It Hot

TJM talks about Billy Wilder

Democrat Congresswoman Sara Jacobs cites Me-Again Kelly, Cavernous Nostrils, Alex Jones and Tuq'r Qarlson as proof that concerns about Trump's mental health are "bipartisan"
As Bonchie from Red State says: Know the op when you see it.