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« Last Day: Bad Poetry Slam! | Main | Al Qaeda Detainees: 80% of Northern Iraq Network Is "Devastated" »
October 07, 2005

Top Ten Requirements For Employment With Al Qaeda

10. Must be eager to work with a dynamic group of diverse suicidal maniacs

9. Must be a "self-starter;" also, a "self-detonator"

8. Must be a "people person"

7. Absolutely no prima donnas! Whether it's fetching coffee or sawing off the head of a female schoolteacher, there are no "small tasks" at Al Qaeda, only "small workers"

6. Must have a good "phone voice"

5. Must be willing to relocate to Paradise on 24 hours notice

4. Qualified candidates should have 3-5 years experience with Excel, Java, Quicken, and rocket-propelled grenades

3. Special consideration will be given to any candidate who can fit a complete stinger missile system up his ass (we promise-- no giggling!)

2. Must not have already registered with Kelly Temps

...and the Number One Requirement for Employment With Al Qaeda...

1. Not a requirement but a perk: Every Friday is Hawaiian-Shirt-and-Crazy-Tie Day!!!


posted by Ace at 12:49 PM
Comments



Benefits package includes your choice:

1. Healthy supply of sun-dried raisins.

(or)

2. All-expense paid extended vacation in sunny Caribbean.

Posted by: Cylinder on October 7, 2005 01:35 PM

No fat chicks.

Posted by: tachyonshuggy on October 7, 2005 02:45 PM

Excellent!!..Hiliarious!

Posted by: Craig on October 7, 2005 02:48 PM

That is really funny. You should contact the folks at ThoseShirts about doing a t-shirt.

Posted by: pst314 on October 7, 2005 02:59 PM

Type without error at 60 words per minute and shoot an AK-47 at 900 rounds per minute.

Posted by: Laurence Simon on October 7, 2005 03:43 PM

Yeah, Ahmed, I noticed you put the old cover sheet on the TPS Report. Oh, and you need to come in and blow yourself up on Saturday.

Posted by: Eric J on October 7, 2005 04:24 PM

Must look good in the standard issue black mask for photo ops.

Posted by: Kathlene Whelan on October 7, 2005 04:54 PM

Seeking artistically creative and sensitive individuals interested in cutting edge "performance art".

Applicants will have a fine sense of perspective and scene framing and recognize that white or light colored walls are preferable to dark colors that would mask the contrast of their blood splatters.

Special consideration given to formal students of Jackson Pollock's work.

Posted by: Help Wanted on October 7, 2005 05:27 PM

"Must be eager to work with a dynamic group. . . ."
How about "with a dynamite group. . . ."?

Posted by: m on October 7, 2005 05:46 PM

"We are an equal opportunity employer, as long as you are male, arab, muslim and can grow a beard."

Posted by: Allah Chowder on October 7, 2005 05:53 PM

"Ability to pilot an airplane preferred; however take-off and landing experience not required."

Posted by: on October 7, 2005 06:33 PM

Must be a devotee of Cubist paintings and a fan of Salvadore Dali and appreciate virgins who have four o'clock shadows.

Posted by: Mr Peanut on October 8, 2005 01:45 AM

Too too funny!

Looks like our plan to help Al Queda downsize is meeting with some success...

I don't know how succesful their recruitment efforts are if the compensation is limited to a future promise of 72 virgins.

Posted by: Mike's America on October 8, 2005 02:34 AM

How about a little truth in accounting? If Silicon Valley firms have to expense the stock options they give employees, surely Al Qaeda should have to expense the 72 virgins.

Posted by: W.C. Varones on October 8, 2005 10:42 AM

Anything that uncle Osama bin Laden does not find funny is not funny to me too.
Because, for Al Qaeda to have advertised for vacancies that means George W. Bush and his gang of anti-terrorists have succeeded to reduce the work force at the headquarters in Al Qaeda.

PLEASE, THIS NOT FUNNY!

Just join up.

Posted by: Orikinla Osinachi on October 8, 2005 12:13 PM

No fat chicks.

Makes me think of the 72 virgins. With excess body hair, poor hygiene, warts and bitchy dispositions. Virgins? Yeah. For a reason? You decide.

The devil is in the details.

Posted by: VRWC Agent on October 9, 2005 12:53 AM

To all AlQaeda members: You should be so lucky to have one fat virgin let alone 72. If they didn't want you when you were alive, they still won't want you when you are dead. Honest.

Posted by: uffy on October 9, 2005 02:22 AM

Requirement #11: Must be willing to donate 10% of your salary to Air America.

Posted by: Da Mail on October 10, 2005 12:54 AM
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"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.
Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over
"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)
No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.
Now they've lost 84%.
Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.
Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...
The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.


Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.
(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.


Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party
STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
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Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
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REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.
Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
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