The Wise and Merciful One needs his Omniscient Head
examined

Hmm obviously, both Gonores and our beloved Ace-man do not have too much experience with five year-olds. The hand-to-hand combat would be a secondary annoyance to the psychological warfare. (Decadent West does cover that angle)

In fact, I think that 'ol Gonores would not last 2 minutes against 30 five-year olds. I, however, a battle-worn mother, who works out daily, might actually last a full five minutes or so before being reduced to a quivering screaming mass of mommy jelly.

With the right technique, the number could be almost unlimited. You see, a person can only be attacked by a limited number of people at once. They get in each other's way. The maximum at any given time is about 5 (6 because they are small). By using two primary techniques, you could fend them off as long as you had strength to go on.

1. Keep turning, like a spinning top. Attacks go past you rather than directly into you.

2. Toss any attacker you can into the path of others, using him as a kind of human shield/bowling ball, thereby compunding the problem of limited attacking space.

Simple.

Why do I keep thinking of that Burly Brawl thing in Matrix 2?

This thought reminds me of a time long ago....At my old boarding military school these were called "Zooie attacks" since the little ones were housed in a barracks nicknamed the "zoo" rather than dorm rooms.

The age was older then 5 year olds (grade level was 6th grade) however the mass swarming attacks were similar. The restrictions did not exist as set up in the post since it was real world either of course.

Ya see, individually each member of the Zoo was an easy target for anyone in the High School (upperclassmen) and sometimes individuals (normally new cadets) took advantage of the size difference etc. Experienced cadets, of course, simply learned to ignore the little ones unless we broke certain accepted rules. If/when an Zooie was tormented beyond certain norms, well, those who did the torment were targeted for a 'zooie attack.'

We did have basic military training & we did have a comand structure and the like. That amounted to much more than the one hour training suggusted above.

So an attack was something like this: Scouts would track the tragets until some routine was found were the targets were alone and in a bad spot. A basic ambush was set up involving about 30-40 kids (3-4 squads) to one or two older kids. Rarely were any weapons used; the idea was to knock down the targets and each hit soft areas (nose, groin, eyes, throat, kidneys, etc.) as indivdiuals rushed by the target. No one stayed and fought as an individual; rather you would hit/kick once or twice (or tie up the targets arm via a block etc. so someone else could get in a good lick) while you rushed by. If and when one or two of your fellow Zooies got hurt/knocked down; you grabbed them and dragged them off away from the target(s). As an added element of fear, everyone would be yelling "Zoooooie" when the attack was launched. The whole attack was very quick, no more then a few minutes start to end as there was only one pass at the target.

Almost every attack ended with the targets in casts or out for days with broken noses etc. Of course the Zoo suffered group punishment for these methods but that method kept the uperclass hazing down to a dull roar.

I remember once trapping a most unpleasent upperclassman (he had be giving out saber swats with out due cause or reason, not even his saber) on a long stone stairway, half the Zoorunning down and the other half running up the stairs with that poor bastard in the middle. The look of sheer terror on his face when he heard the first yells and the end results (broken leg, broken nose with the lovely blacked eyes, chipped tooth, and multiple cuts/abrasions) were well worth the month of group punishment.

Of course all this is not nice and not PC and would today have TV crews and worried liberals moaning about the decay of standards I suppose. Back then it was just the natural order of things. It worked well too, after such an attack (normally one per period) word of mouth via the upperclassmen was enough to keep everyone in check. The mere threat of a zooie attack was enough after such a demonstration.

So. Give me those 5 year olds for a month or so of training, free up the restrictions a bit and I would think that they would be much more deadly. Much more. Even at such a tender age. If the motivation was as high as postulated then all one would need is enough bites to open a major bleeder in the target for that target to go down. The target can not spin fast enough to cover all sides at once and teeth are sharp.....

none

Holy crap.

Wow, none.

That's some serious Charles Bronson-style, vigilante justice.

I like it.

As for the question at hand, (hilarious, by the way) I'm thinking I could take about 10-15 of them little fuckers.

The teeth scare me, though.

Another military school tough guy. Hey, if you weren't a fuckup your drunken parents wouldn't have sent you away in the first place.

You give me any military school class--I don't care if there's a hundred of 'em--and I'll have them in tears in about 6 seconds. Know why? When I tell them their parents are home playing with their Legos and laughing about sending them away and shit, they'll get all blubbery.

But when I tell them how their Mom is fucking her trainer while their Dad's passed out drunk on the crapper, well here comes the waterworks, the little fuckup pussies, and that's when I wade in with the crescent kicks.

Let's face it--your average military school brat is a spoiled little pussy sent away to rectify the terrible parenting job his excuse for a Mom and Dad have been doing. They're soft, and no amount of hazing or discipline can hide the weak, quivering little piece of shit hiding behind those ultra-gay uniforms.

Sure I'm bad. Fuck that, I'm worst, and all you lonely little military school brats?

You want none of this.

Did I just wander into the flame war thread?

It would limited olny by the confines of the space and your stamina. Keep moving, quick punches to the face, clotheslining through crowds, flinging some of them at grioupd of the others, and tossing them into the wall. As long as you keep moving, they can't get a good bite in. It would only end when there were too many bodies on the floors to move effectively.

Bring it on

I think that "sponge" wouldn't have made it past the upperclass hazing to have any time with the little ones. Interesting to read that the cadets were percieved to befrom 'rich' families.....

I agree the limited space really hurts the indivdiual's 5 year's combat chances but as noted it does limit the big guy's mobility too. But their shortness would limit ability to hit them in the face & multiple attacks launched at the same time with the goal of accepting hits from the arms on some while others went for the legs (and bites on the tendons) would stop/slow most normal people. Think wolves taking down a moose, the exhustion and little bites add up unitl the moose is too slow to move and defend itself.

Of course we are talking about fearless 5 years willing to die (and so willing to be used as targets while others get in a blow/bite) and I would need more training then 1 hour to set up these attacks.

Still a decent wolf circle prob. could be trained in about an hour or so.

Odd thread but still it did bring back the memories....

I literally have tears in my eyes. That is some of the funniest fucking shit I've ever read! Muchas gracias for the link Ace!

I'm re-formulating the scenario for Chihuahuas. How many snarling, annoying, vicious little mutts would it take to bring a grown man down?

Someone needs to make this into a video game.

It would need to have settings for the number of kids, their age, available space, their level of training, aggressiveness, use of different types of weapons, etc.

Call it Swarm. Or Zooie.

Interesting to read that the cadets were percieved to befrom 'rich' families.....

Hey, I saw The Omen II, though I concede that Damien is not the sort of military school kid I would like to see gnawing on my ankle.

Violence against children? Are you all muslims or something?

Watched it Chris, CAIR IS WATCHING YOU!!!

Wow, Spongeworthy really has issues with military schools. I think they call that projection.

Why waste your time in hand to hand? One Semtex belt on a five year old kills dozens of adults at a time.

Five-year-olds are less than 1 hit die each, so an ordinary fighter receives one attack per round on them for each level he's achieved. Assuming no armor, they're also armor class 10, which means almost all my attacks against them succeed. With even one point of strength bonus, you ought to be able to take out almost one per level per round.

So it's really just a question of when physical exhaustion sets in.

30 seems way low.

I read the thing, but having children that age just kind of made the whole thing a bit too much. Well written? Of course. Dark and disgusting? Yes.

But I will simply echo Lauraw and say holy crap.

Enough is too much (see Owl Jolsen/Tex Avery cartoon for this quote).

I do believe that rotating on yourself is very useful, although that itself won't really work one must spice it up a little bit.
The trick really involves providing yourself with a weapon. Now let's consider the situation: Your in a room and kids spawn (just like in a videogame) and these pieces of shit are pissed off behond belief, on top of that there is no weapon in that room.
Not good.
So, the strategy is to charge the first few kids and give them a full-plunge football tackle knockin them outta of oblivion, the idea would be to give them a major head concussion so they can't fight back.
Good now you gotta hurry... quickly pick one of the knocked out kids foot as start rotating on youself. Soon you will see the destructive force of a body used as a four headed club, composed of its head, two arms and of course the remaining free leg. Now this is your perfect scenario, cause all you have to do is mantain that constant velocity by applying little energy as possible a smackin the little shitheads as the try to get close to you. You would probably last a good 10 minutes, and maybe 15 if your stamina is stronger than an average man.

This has got to be on of the greatest posts ever.

Schneids
Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 09/08/03
Posts: 3639
Loc: Los Angeles for awhile Re: How many 5 year-olds..... [Re: gonores]
#1556778 - 01/17/05 11:19 PM Edit Reply Quote

Are you allowed to use one the kids to wield at other kids ala a sword?

It is not hard at all to swing them around and if so then i have a feeling you could just swing around in a little circle and knock them all out as they get close to you.

Well I guess if the scenario had to be like the videogame I immagined, then u could... but to use a kid as a sword? Either the kid is in rigor mortis state, otherwise your sword would be floppin. Which gives me an idea, you could use the 5 year old bitch like a whip. Now were talking about serious damage... just grab the fucker by the ankles and start the wave-whip like motion... Yeah!! The head... when it comes down to the last whip motion of the wave that traveled through the body, will unleash a battering force, and you would claim probably a good 3 minutes (in my scenario). But I do believe that the wheel of death that I mentioned in my previous post, is still the best solution.