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January 02, 2005

Best of Ace, #2: Whoreblogging

Still one of my favorites, and apparently one of the favorites of a lot of readers, too. You just can't go wrong writing downright filthy sex-fantasias about Wonkette, Washingtonienne, and Joshua Micha Marshall.

Carin asked if this would be the Number One Best-Of. I said I was hoping to keep the suspense up, like when a classic rock radio station does a "Top One Hundred Rock Records of All Time" and they try to create some kind of doubt as to whether Stairway to Heaven will be, for the billionth time, chosen as Number One.

Well, since this post is Number Two, not too much doubt about Number One anymore.

As the accoustic guitar jingles softly...

There's a lady who's sure
All that glitters is gold.
And she's climbing the
Stairway to Heaven...

There's a man named Falcone
and he will ride your ass hard
All of your fuckers have three days
to straighten out this loose shit...

Related And Also Dirty! Someone wants this on the list. Seems Andrew Sullivan began pimping ludicrous charges about some dirty stinking terrorist being forcibly raped by women, and he, apparently having no idea how male-female sex works, saw nothing at all incredible in the charges. He really was appalled, once again, by this gob-smackingly vile outrage.

As was I, of course. I, too, had been the victim of such a sickening assault:

While I was away at the beatuiful Mount Airy Lodge, was abducted and chain-raped by a gang of buxom Catholic high-school cheerleaders.
And yes, I know I will be harrangued for continuing to write about my violation.

But I won't let that stop me. I will soldier on bravely, and see if I can't interest Cinemax in filming my sordid story, which I've tentatively titled Man-Handled: The Greatest Fucking Thing That Ever Fucking Happened to Me In My Entire Fucking Life.

posted by Ace at 04:01 PM

Comments

I think that was the first Ace post I ever read. Linked from Allah or somebody.

Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer on January 2, 2005 04:51 PM

Where's Joe?

Posted by: Alex on January 2, 2005 05:18 PM

good stuff

Posted by: a-a on January 2, 2005 05:26 PM

Holy cow. Let me get over being speechless for a sec.

Phew. Okay.

My husband and I have his-n-her computers in a shared office, and I just read that piece out loud to him. I had to lower my voice on several occasions so my two daughters, innocently playing in the family room, would not hear one word of it. Doubtless they were confused by all the laughter emanating from the parents' "work room."

The main thing that makes the post so funny is that it is very probably not nearly as sad as Washingtonienne's REAL life.

Clean or dirty, Ace, I do enjoy reading you.

Later,
bbeck

Posted by: bbeck on January 2, 2005 05:52 PM

I don't care what you say ... it's my favorite. Nothing makes my sides ache like that one.

Posted by: Carin on January 2, 2005 06:05 PM

I DON'T GET IT. IS THAT LAST SENTENCE SARCASTIC?

Posted by: someone on January 2, 2005 06:35 PM

I loved that IS THIS SARCASTIC stuff. But I looked, and I don't think there was one good post on it; it was all sprayed out over dozens of posts.

But it still makes me giggle when a commenter says I DON'T GET IT. YOU SURE LOST ME HERE.

Posted by: ace on January 2, 2005 06:41 PM

Well, no complaints about what made the top 10, but I wish you'd found room for this classic

On my third day of captivity, a woman interrogator demanded I strip off my clothes and begin caressing her breasts. She called herself "Sasha," and she seemed to be a Jew kaffir. Although she was the degenerate offspring of pigs and apes, Allah have mercy, she also had the juiciest 38DD Kasabah melons and an ass like a two-year-old colt donkey...

Of course this might be counterproductive to this whole underpants-gnome plan to get blog-money, but...

Posted by: someone on January 2, 2005 07:06 PM

What a great movie pitch, Ace. Is it too late to option the story?

Posted by: Jake on January 2, 2005 09:27 PM

Based on some recent posts and confirmed by this one, I won't be reading you any more, Ace. Not that I expect you to cry over that fact, of course. I just wanted to let you know that at least one of your readers cares about the character of the bloggers he reads, and graphic sleazy content indicates a character quality that I prefer to avoid. Since there are already more good sleaze-free blogs than I have time to read (and more every day), there just isn't any reason to keep you on my reading list.

You're free to post what you like, of course -- more power to you. And I'm free to take my eyeballs elsewhere.

Posted by: John on January 3, 2005 01:06 AM

You know what? When an ass like John posts this kind of huffy 'I'll never read your FREE CONTENT again' bullshit, you should ban their IP address and make it truly so.
Because you just know he'll be back.

I have to say, I'm really irritated with these thin skinned victorians who think they have a right to tell you how to organize your FREE CONTENT.

Fer cryin' out loud.

Posted by: lauraw on January 6, 2005 11:17 AM

Thanks, LauraW.

Posted by: ace on January 6, 2005 01:21 PM