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December 08, 2004
Is George Bush the Antichrist?A brilliant piece that dares to ask the question that's been on everyone's mind. And that's not hyperbole. That's the actual title of the story. You can look it up and everything. Some choice quotes from our tolerant friends on the left who just want to leave religion entirely out of the public discourse: But not every follower of the Prince of Peace is shouting amen to Bush/Robertson/Falwell's Killer Christians. Granted, the fastest-growing churches are either evangelical—Bible believers out to win your soul—or fundamentalists, out to bend your soul to their bluenose will and so literal when it comes to the Bible that some insist Christ's parables refer to actual people and events. Fundies also incline to the authoritarianism of Oswald Chambers, the 19th-century Christian whose harsh sermonettes against rational analysis and for a gut response to God Bush reads each morning (perhaps on this Web site: www.gospelcom.net/rbc/utmost). That's all I can take. Maybe you're made of sterner stuff. Note that once again the left doesn't seem to mind at all when religious doctrine is used to advance the priorities of the left, or denigrate the right. Thanks to Senator PhilABuster. Re-posting: ...from the special one-time Home Office at Lynchburg, Virginia... Top Ten Mandated Changes to Make Christianity More Politically Correct and "Inclusive" 10. "Christian fish" logos must be certified by the EPA as dolphin-safe 9. Key lyric of Martin Greenbaum's hippie-Christian anthem, Spirit in the Sky, changed from "I've got a friend named Jesus" to less-divisive "I've got a friend named Walter" 8. Good Friday officially renamed "Passable Friday;" Ash Wednesday officially renamed "the Day Before Thursday" 7. Placards displaying "John 3:16" outlawed at sporting events; spectators wishing to display their spiritual beliefs may substitute oversized foam-finger bearing the corporate slogan "Dude, You're Getting a Dell!" 6. The requirement that an actual belief in Christ is required to be a Christian ruled discriminatory; churches must offer alternative methods of qualification, such as "celebrating the magical joy of a baby's smile" or "just sitting in the park, thinking about Nature and shit" 5. Christ's words are modified to make them less "harsh" and "hostile" to non-believers; "I am the Way and the Light" changed to "I am the Way and the Light, if you believe in that kind of thing, and assuming that's your bag" 4. By government fiat, Christian Heaven becomes history's first open-enrollment paradise; no particular belief system is required for entry, but applicants must have either a high-school diploma or eight weeks of N.E.A.-approved adult education (in cooking, basic automotive maintenance, or modern Spanish flamenco guitar) 3. Common name "Christopher" -- from the Latin for "Christ-Bearer" -- declared intolerant and offensive; by court order, all men named Christopher have their first names immediately changed to "Mitch" (also acceptable: Walter; see Number 9 above) 2. New Testament rewritten to delete references to Caiaphas and other Jewish priests; henceforth, Christ is accused of blasphemy by Hans Gruber and the German mercenaries from Die Hard ...and the Number One Mandated Change to Make Christianity More Politically-Correct and "Inclusive"... 1. Christian Trinity officially changed from Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to Easter Bunny, Santie Clause, and the Ghost of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (a.k.a., "The Spirit of Diversity") posted by Ace at 02:58 PM
CommentsLaughed my ass off!! Thanks for sharing. Posted by: TallDave on December 8, 2004 03:15 PM
To make the PC Holy Spirit REALLY inclusive, wouldn't the "Reverend" honorific be eliminated? Posted by: Kazmin on December 8, 2004 03:20 PM
dude -- Research elves. You need better research elves. Without googling, I believe it's Norman Greenbaum and "I've got a friend IN Jesus," much as you had "Centerfold" wrongly lyricized. Posted by: dibledsoe on December 8, 2004 03:21 PM
Excellent changes, Ace, and long overdue. Christianity seems so much like a holdover from the Fifties. I'm not so sure about number 4, though. Flamenco guitar can be played well or badly, and it's hard to play it well. You need something less value-laden. I'm thinking interpretive dance might work. Or maybe papier-mache head sculpting. Posted by: utron on December 8, 2004 03:23 PM
Whilst making subtle changes I read thist post. Thanks alot Ace. There is now Iced Tea spewed all over my screen. Is this Bush's fault as well? Posted by: rachel on December 8, 2004 03:37 PM
The insane among the left never ask themselves, "How much of this have we inadvertently helped to create?" I'm referring mostly to the assertion--which, come to think of it, the author never really backs up--that most growth in Christianity is occurring in fundamentalist/evangelical circles. If that's so--well, DUH. In the search for utopia and the drive always for change and growth and progress, liberals inevitably forget that people need some sort of constancy in their lives. Constancy is naturally at odds with change, growth, and progress, and it's hard to get more constant than God, particularly the fundamentalist view of Him. Maybe if liberals hadn't succeeded in pansifying the Episcopal, Catholic, Presbyterian, who-knows-what-else churches, they'd have less to fear from fundamentalists, born-agains, and evangelicals. Posted by: ilyka on December 8, 2004 03:38 PM
Well those losers obviously aren't scared of me, so at least let 'em be scared of somebody. "Christian Trinity officially changed from Father, Son and Holy Spirit to Easter Bunny, Santi Clause and the Ghost of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr." "Reverend" has no religious conotations when used in front of a blackman's name ie Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton etc. Kinda like "Colonel" in front of a White Southerner's name. Its a liberal attempt to grant respectability where there is none. Posted by: Iblis on December 8, 2004 04:03 PM
henceforth, Christ is accused of blasphemy by Hans Gruber and the German mercenaries from Die HardClassic. Just classic. Posted by: someone on December 8, 2004 04:06 PM
Ummm... that's Norman Greenbaum, not Martin. Posted by: Billski on December 8, 2004 04:31 PM
The astonishing thing is, those evil, law-obsessed fundies are busy walking the walk. Falwell's church underwrites a home for unwed mothers, an adoption agency, a treatment program for addicts, and a bunch of other serious programs. The Christians I know give generously of their money and time to all sorts of causes, and most are 'inclusive' causes. So what do the so-compassionate and sophisticated agnostics, so repelled by Christianity do? Dismiss and attack the people who actually go out and feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and visit prisoners. When I begin defending fundies and evangelicals, the left has clearly gone too far. Posted by: Dianna on December 8, 2004 05:17 PM
Ok, I am confused. As a conservative am I supposed to be a stooge for the religious right or a stooge for corporate America? I have a hard time remembering. Posted by: Steve L. on December 8, 2004 05:38 PM
Nice list. I've linked to it. But Seattle Weekly isn't the only "alternative" paper invoking the Anti-Christ to talk about the president. See also this bit of unintentional hilarity from New Times in San Luis Obispo, CA Posted by: Patrick O'Hannigan on December 8, 2004 08:15 PM
That is a troubling issue, Steve. But don't worry, a solution is on the way: the religious right is going to end all the confusion by buying all the corporations. Or the corproations will buy all the churches. We haven't quite worked it out yet. Posted by: TallDave on December 8, 2004 09:48 PM
I happen to be an atheist, a conservative, and a republican. I found this article a hoot. As an atheist, I personally couldn't care less about religion, if theists would just leave me alone, I don't care what they want to believe. It is refreshing to see us poke a little fun at the whole issue. Neat article! I think I'll go out to the park and think about nature and shit for a while. Posted by: Jay Lee on December 9, 2004 12:46 PM
Ahem, #7 merely substitutes the religion of corporations for the religion of, um, religion. It should be replaced with "Be ashamed of yourselves, Americans." Because, of course, we are the fountain of all evil in the world since time began. Posted by: Robert on December 9, 2004 01:53 PM
RE: #1. The Christian Trinity Revised per request of Los Angeles Public School system: References to Easter and Santa are insulting to inner city kids who never get candy or gifts. The ebonics-friendly substitute for 'Father, Son, Holy Spirit' will be 'Daddy, Junior, and The Spook.' Posted by: lauraw on December 9, 2004 02:44 PM
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Democrat Congresswoman Sara Jacobs cites Me-Again Kelly, Cavernous Nostrils, Alex Jones and Tuq'r Qarlson as proof that concerns about Trump's mental health are "bipartisan"
As Bonchie from Red State says: Know the op when you see it.
Leftists who have been drawing Frankendistricts for decades are suddenly upset about Republican line-drawing
Socialist usurper Obama cut commercials urging Virginians to vote for the bizarre "lobster" gerrymander -- but now says gerrymanders are so racist you guys Obama is complaining about the new Louisiana map -- but here's the thing, the new map has much more compact and rational borders than the old racial gerrymander map Pete Bootyjudge is whining too. But here's the Illinois gerrymander he supports.
Big Bonus! Under the new Florida congressional map, Debbie Wasserman Schultz will probably lose her seat
And she can't even go on The View because she's ugly a clump of stranger's hair in the bath-drain
ANOTHER LEFT WING ASSASSIN ATTEMPTS TO KILL TRUMP
If I understand this, the left-wing Democrat assassin attempted to get into the White House Correspondents Association dinner, and was stopped at the magnetometers, which detected his gun. I guess he pulled out the gun and was shot by Secret Service agents. Erika Kirk was present.
Forgotten 70s Mystery Click
You made me cry when you said good-bye 70s, not 50s Now that is a motherflipping intro
NYT Melts Down Over Texas Rangers Statue Outside... Texas Rangers' Stadium
"The Athletic posted a lengthy article about a statue outside Globe Life Field, presenting a virtue-signaling moral grievance as unbiased news coverage." [CBD]
Important Message from Recent Convert to Christianity and Yet Super-Serious Christian Tuq'r Qarlson: Actually Muslims love Jesus, it's Trump and his neocons who hate him
Tucker Carlson Network Trump's trolling tweet was ill-advised, but Tucker is just lying when he claims the Christianity-hating President of Iran was "offended" by this. He's one step away from announcing his official conversion to Islam. He literally never stops praising Islam. Well, he suddenly became Christian two years ago, there's not much stopping him from converting again. You can track Tuq'r's official conversion to Islam with this Bingo card.
People say that the bearded man in the video of Fartwell molesting a hooker looks like Democrat Arizona Senator Rueben Gallego, said to be Swalwell's "best friend" and known to take vacations with him.
@KFILE 21m So the campaign is collapsing due to the truth of the sexual harassment allegations. That hissing sound you hear is the air going out of the Swalwell campaign. UPDATE: No it wasn't, it was just Swalwell one-cheek-sneaking out a fart on camera Eric Swalwell more like Eric Farewell amirite thanks to weft-cut loop.
This is the dumbest AI bullslop I've seen in a while: the CIA can use "quantum magnetometry" to track an individual man's heartbeat from twelve miles away
I wouldn't click on it, it's not interesting, it's just stupid clickslop. I just want to share my annoyance with you.
Oil prices plunge on bizarre realization that Eric Swalwell may actually be straight. A rapey molester, allegedly, but a straight one.
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