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« The Lie That Won't Die: Susan Estrich Peddles 8:59PM Time-Stamp Myth | Main | Dan Rather: Crazy Like a Fox? »
September 15, 2004

Top Ten CBS Statements Planned for Today

10. "In order to correct perceived problems in how we handled this story as a news company, we are proud to announce we are bringing in a whole new team of highly-professional managers who've shown much greater skill in running an organization -- the Kerry campaign staff."

9. "The authenticity of the documents has now been conclusively proven by David Caruso of CSI: Miami."

8. "CBS is proud to announce that Wednesday's 60 Minutes II was actually the first episode of its new show, Punk'd! with Ashton Kutcher and Dan Rather."

7. "To demonstrate that CBS has no political bias whatsoever, we will immediately begin expressing our admiration for our 40th President by running our documentary The Reagans twice a week every week until the November election."

6. "In order to positively establish the authenticity of the memos, CBS will air a special one-hour episode of Crossing Over With John Edward; the famous mentalist will attempt to contact the ghost of Jerry Killian by asking a studio audience, 'I'm getting a W. Does anyone know a W? Is there a W somehow connected to all this?'"

5. "CBS News is announcing a new slogan: If your ratings are in the tank anyway, they might as well be in the tank for John Kerry; we've got John Tesh working on a jaunty jingle."

4. "Six Words: Dan Rather's Hawaiian Shirt Gonzo Fridays."

3. "In order to better serve our audience, we will soon be posting a second draft of the documents in question; we promise this corrected and clarified draft won't be proportionally spaced or have those superscript doohickeys everyone seems so bothered about."

2. "We're having so much damn fun with this crap, we've decided to libel General William Westmoreland again. Don't say you heard this from us, but just between you and me-- Westmoreland? Homo."

...and the Number One CBS Statement Planned for Today...

1. "You know that news-channel Al Gore was trying to create? Well guess what, Chief-- you're looking at it."


posted by Ace at 02:31 PM
Comments




"Crossing Over with John Edward."

Not Edwards. :)

Posted by: on September 15, 2004 02:35 PM

Thanks. I didn't know that.

Posted by: ace on September 15, 2004 02:39 PM

Gawwwd I'm in stitches ACE! It would take Leterman's team weeks to come up with stuff this funny.. Took you half a day prolly.

genius boy you are.

Posted by: Arvin on September 15, 2004 02:42 PM

Actually, I don't think Rather's ratings are down, but have been up sharply this last week.

But that is only because millions have tuned into Danny's show who ordinarily never watch him - because they are fascinated with potentially seeing the spectacle of Dan Rather finally cracking -going to pieces, gnawing on his arms till blood flows, live - on TV.

I confess. I'm one of them. I cancelled a dinner reservation Tuesday so we could see if Tuesday was the day of Rather's melt down.

Posted by: cedarford on September 15, 2004 02:43 PM


I know I've been watching more of CBS, just to see if Rather is going to blow his brains out, like I've been waiting to happen for ten years.

Letterman didn't shy away from NBC controversy about memos when he was over there (specifically, private ones being made public). What's he waiting for now that he's at CBS?

Posted by: on September 15, 2004 02:44 PM

#8 reminds me of something I had been thinking - could they possibily be unveiling a new reality Candid Camera show? But I still haven't seen Allen Funt.

Posted by: Phil on September 15, 2004 02:53 PM

That's because Funt is playing a trick on Killian - trying to convince him he's still alive.

Posted by: The Black Republican on September 15, 2004 03:20 PM

Hey, I predicted several days ago they'd hold a seance to contact Killian in the beyond only to find the ghost was an imposter with only a vague knowledge of Killian's life.

Posted by: Eric Pobirs on September 15, 2004 03:24 PM

i had actually read it as "crossing over with john edwards" even though it's been corrected; i've been predicting they're going to get sen. edwards to do his "i'm channelling a dead baby" routine with killian.

Posted by: francisthegreat on September 15, 2004 03:48 PM

This is not the first of the many forgeries and lies from dan rather. As a vietnam vet. I remember the documentary on vietnam with the 6 alleged vets who came forward .....all of who when their milltary records were searched (via freedom of information act) were no where near any combat let alone atrocities that were allegeded

Posted by: Emel Pruismann on September 15, 2004 04:13 PM

I suspect Letterman will rip Rather eventually. You have to remember that this story began to break Thursday.. He tapes his Thursday and Friday shows on Thursday evening and this week is in reruns, so next monday would really be his first chance.

Posted by: Steve L. on September 15, 2004 04:15 PM
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