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August 25, 2004

Arachnofascism: Allah Sends Swarm of Giant Infidel-Hating Spiders to Kill Crusaders

This headline isn't a joke.

An interview with Sheik Sumide'i, a participant in the battles raging in Fallujah, reveals the following startling news:

Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide'I:T hey [the Americans] attacked Falluja and tried to cause great damage to its residents. They destroyed mosques and homes, killed women, children, and youths, and spread corruption in Falluja. Nevertheless, we believe that Allah protects the believers, and indeed, Allah stood beside Falluja, and I'd like to mention some miracles Allah performed in Falluja. It is possible that the media does not know about them.

The first miracle that occurred in Falluja took the form of spiders that appeared in the city – each spider larger than this chair, or about the size of this chair. The American soldiers left, holding the legs of this spider, and I too, in one of the Friday sermons, held up a spider, with all its magnitude, in front of the satellite channels and in front of the world. This spider also had thin black hair. If this hair touches the human body, within a short period of time the body becomes black or blue, and then there is an explosion in the blood cells in the human body - and the person dies.

This is one of the miracles performed in support of Falluja, and the Jihad that took place in Falluja. Despite the damage done to the American forces…

Interviewer:

The people saw it, but the TV stations did not air it?

Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide'I:

The people saw it and the TV stations indeed aired it. I held the spider, and there were between 13 to 15 TV stations, including Al-Arabiya, Al-Jazeera, Al-Majd, Dubai, Abu-Dhabi and other stations, and they saw it with their own eyes.

I think he's almost certainly referring to that picture of "camel spiders" posted way back on this site (and originally on Little Green Footballs).

Frightening. And I don't mean the spiders.

Top Ten Other Miracles Which Will Save Fallujah

10. To show his wrath, Allah will blot the very sun from the sky, usually evenings around sunset

9. Crusaders will be confused and harassed by special holy curse that makes them feel like they're not wearing a hat when they are, but that they are wearing a hat when they take it off

8. Pork-and-beans MRE's will suddenly become strangely unappetizing

7. Performers on upcoming USO tour unexpectedly changed; old bill-- Gary Sinise, Toby Keith, KISS, and The Rock; new bill-- Al Franken, Margaret Cho, the kid who played Dwayne-Wayne on A Different World, and, from Hall and Oates, "Oates"

6. Four Words: Lyddie Englund Penthouse Shoot (by Allah's mercy alone-- no pictorial in Hustler)

5. The balls of American soldiers go from their normal size of "fucking enormous" to "just plain unweildy"

4. Distribution problems cause shortage of Coke, Pepsi, and Budweiser; for three long weeks, only beverages available are Shasta and/or Fanta

3. Bizarre magical loss of sense-of-direction will cause dozens of soldiers to mistakenly believe themselves to be in Cambodia

2. Special Labor Day surprise appearance by Dennis Kucinich, who distributes tofu tacos and and organic alfalfa to visibly-disappointed troops

...and the Number One Other Miracle Which Will Save Fallujah...

1. By exertion of Divine Will, the mainstream American media will report all Iraq news with a strongly negative slant

posted by Ace at 03:26 PM

Comments

It's about friggin' time I beat you to a link.

Probably be the last time this year.

Posted by: ccwbass on August 25, 2004 03:35 PM

If this hair touches the human body, within a short period of time the body becomes black or blue, and then there is an explosion in the blood cells in the human body - and the person dies.

How very odd! These are the very same symptoms and dangers that contact with female hair cootie-rays cause.

Posted by: Rocketeer on August 25, 2004 03:36 PM

These are only the first of many miracles that will swing the balance of power away from the crusaders. I look forward to seeing all of you accept the superior way of the religion of peace.

Posted by: Akefa on August 25, 2004 03:42 PM

By "spider hairs" did he mean "bursts from the Bradley fighting vehicle's autocannon"?

Maybe it's just an error in translation.

Yeah, that's it.

Posted by: Jim on August 25, 2004 03:42 PM

These are only the first of many miracles that will swing the balance of power away from the crusaders. I look forward to seeing all of you accept the superior way of the religion of peace.

Hmm. Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Posted by: Homer Jay Simpson on August 25, 2004 03:45 PM

This fake Akefa is almost as good as the original. But fake Akefa needs to understand, there will be an accounting.

Posted by: Rocketeer on August 25, 2004 03:47 PM

Akefa. Brainless.
Loves that stone-age religion.
Yabba dabba doo!

Posted by: zetetic on August 25, 2004 03:49 PM

Via Little Green Footballs, a link to some supposed pics of camel spiders from that region:

http://littlegreenfootballs.com/weblog/?entry=10672

Posted by: David on August 25, 2004 04:14 PM

"...the superior way of the religion of peace."

OK, now I know for sure you're joshing us.

Posted by: infidel filth on August 25, 2004 04:32 PM

David, thanks for the spider link.

Posted by: ace on August 25, 2004 04:40 PM

Speaking of magical animals, the Washtington Times's "Inside The Beltway" has a report on Kerry's magic dog.

Posted by: Publius on August 25, 2004 04:45 PM

It sounds to me like Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide has been puffing from the hookah a little too much while listening to Ziggy Stardust.

Posted by: WindyCity on August 25, 2004 04:51 PM

9. Crusaders will be confused and harassed by special holy curse that makes them feel like they're not wearing a hat when they are, but that they are wearing a hat when they take it off

Does this curse also make them give their hats to John Kerry out of frustration?

Posted by: Smack on August 25, 2004 05:32 PM

The unclean scoffers at snopes.com lie, and should be beaten with shoes. I swear in the name of God that I too have seen such a spider, and it is most truly as deadly as the righteous Sheik says. The man it bit would surely have died had not his trusty comrade come to rescue him from the Orcs. But the giant elephants with the forts strapped to their backs were still cooler.

Posted by: Paul Zrimsek on August 25, 2004 06:57 PM

Bah, Allah's barely gotten back to updating regularly, I doubt he has time for miracles and shit.

Posted by: Joe R. on August 25, 2004 07:05 PM

Can someone ask Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide what he's on, cause I'll take $30 worth.

Posted by: zetetic on August 25, 2004 07:47 PM

It occurs to me that this Al-Sumide needs a new nickname. Baghdad Bob is taken, and he's not in Baghdad anyway. How's about "Fallujah Freddy"?

Nah, not silly enough.

How about "Akefa, Allah's Accountant"?

Posted by: Patton on August 25, 2004 11:10 PM

Send in the Mobile Infantry!

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids on August 26, 2004 12:14 AM

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Top Headlines

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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[Hat Tip: TC] [CBD]

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Podcast: Starting a new season, CBD and Sefton discuss their personal journeys to conservative principles, is Nick Shirley the beginning of a trend?, Iran trying to reignite the war, the Left attacks itself, even on "Best Guitarist" lists, and more!

TJM definitively ranks the films of Billy Wilder, like Some Like It Hot

TJM talks about Billy Wilder

Democrat Congresswoman Sara Jacobs cites Me-Again Kelly, Cavernous Nostrils, Alex Jones and Tuq'r Qarlson as proof that concerns about Trump's mental health are "bipartisan"
As Bonchie from Red State says: Know the op when you see it.

Leftists who have been drawing Frankendistricts for decades are suddenly upset about Republican line-drawing
Socialist usurper Obama cut commercials urging Virginians to vote for the bizarre "lobster" gerrymander -- but now says gerrymanders are so racist you guys
Obama is complaining about the new Louisiana map -- but here's the thing, the new map has much more compact and rational borders than the old racial gerrymander map
Pete Bootyjudge is whining too. But here's the Illinois gerrymander he supports.

Big Bonus! Under the new Florida congressional map, Debbie Wasserman Schultz will probably lose her seat
And she can't even go on The View because she's ugly a clump of stranger's hair in the bath-drain