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August 25, 2004

Arachnofascism: Allah Sends Swarm of Giant Infidel-Hating Spiders to Kill Crusaders

This headline isn't a joke.

An interview with Sheik Sumide'i, a participant in the battles raging in Fallujah, reveals the following startling news:

Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide'I:T hey [the Americans] attacked Falluja and tried to cause great damage to its residents. They destroyed mosques and homes, killed women, children, and youths, and spread corruption in Falluja. Nevertheless, we believe that Allah protects the believers, and indeed, Allah stood beside Falluja, and I'd like to mention some miracles Allah performed in Falluja. It is possible that the media does not know about them.

The first miracle that occurred in Falluja took the form of spiders that appeared in the city – each spider larger than this chair, or about the size of this chair. The American soldiers left, holding the legs of this spider, and I too, in one of the Friday sermons, held up a spider, with all its magnitude, in front of the satellite channels and in front of the world. This spider also had thin black hair. If this hair touches the human body, within a short period of time the body becomes black or blue, and then there is an explosion in the blood cells in the human body - and the person dies.

This is one of the miracles performed in support of Falluja, and the Jihad that took place in Falluja. Despite the damage done to the American forces…

Interviewer:

The people saw it, but the TV stations did not air it?

Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide'I:

The people saw it and the TV stations indeed aired it. I held the spider, and there were between 13 to 15 TV stations, including Al-Arabiya, Al-Jazeera, Al-Majd, Dubai, Abu-Dhabi and other stations, and they saw it with their own eyes.

I think he's almost certainly referring to that picture of "camel spiders" posted way back on this site (and originally on Little Green Footballs).

Frightening. And I don't mean the spiders.

Top Ten Other Miracles Which Will Save Fallujah

10. To show his wrath, Allah will blot the very sun from the sky, usually evenings around sunset

9. Crusaders will be confused and harassed by special holy curse that makes them feel like they're not wearing a hat when they are, but that they are wearing a hat when they take it off

8. Pork-and-beans MRE's will suddenly become strangely unappetizing

7. Performers on upcoming USO tour unexpectedly changed; old bill-- Gary Sinise, Toby Keith, KISS, and The Rock; new bill-- Al Franken, Margaret Cho, the kid who played Dwayne-Wayne on A Different World, and, from Hall and Oates, "Oates"

6. Four Words: Lyddie Englund Penthouse Shoot (by Allah's mercy alone-- no pictorial in Hustler)

5. The balls of American soldiers go from their normal size of "fucking enormous" to "just plain unweildy"

4. Distribution problems cause shortage of Coke, Pepsi, and Budweiser; for three long weeks, only beverages available are Shasta and/or Fanta

3. Bizarre magical loss of sense-of-direction will cause dozens of soldiers to mistakenly believe themselves to be in Cambodia

2. Special Labor Day surprise appearance by Dennis Kucinich, who distributes tofu tacos and and organic alfalfa to visibly-disappointed troops

...and the Number One Other Miracle Which Will Save Fallujah...

1. By exertion of Divine Will, the mainstream American media will report all Iraq news with a strongly negative slant

posted by Ace at 03:26 PM

Comments

It's about friggin' time I beat you to a link.

Probably be the last time this year.

Posted by: ccwbass on August 25, 2004 03:35 PM

If this hair touches the human body, within a short period of time the body becomes black or blue, and then there is an explosion in the blood cells in the human body - and the person dies.

How very odd! These are the very same symptoms and dangers that contact with female hair cootie-rays cause.

Posted by: Rocketeer on August 25, 2004 03:36 PM

These are only the first of many miracles that will swing the balance of power away from the crusaders. I look forward to seeing all of you accept the superior way of the religion of peace.

Posted by: Akefa on August 25, 2004 03:42 PM

By "spider hairs" did he mean "bursts from the Bradley fighting vehicle's autocannon"?

Maybe it's just an error in translation.

Yeah, that's it.

Posted by: Jim on August 25, 2004 03:42 PM

These are only the first of many miracles that will swing the balance of power away from the crusaders. I look forward to seeing all of you accept the superior way of the religion of peace.

Hmm. Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Posted by: Homer Jay Simpson on August 25, 2004 03:45 PM

This fake Akefa is almost as good as the original. But fake Akefa needs to understand, there will be an accounting.

Posted by: Rocketeer on August 25, 2004 03:47 PM

Akefa. Brainless.
Loves that stone-age religion.
Yabba dabba doo!

Posted by: zetetic on August 25, 2004 03:49 PM

Via Little Green Footballs, a link to some supposed pics of camel spiders from that region:

http://littlegreenfootballs.com/weblog/?entry=10672

Posted by: David on August 25, 2004 04:14 PM

"...the superior way of the religion of peace."

OK, now I know for sure you're joshing us.

Posted by: infidel filth on August 25, 2004 04:32 PM

David, thanks for the spider link.

Posted by: ace on August 25, 2004 04:40 PM

Speaking of magical animals, the Washtington Times's "Inside The Beltway" has a report on Kerry's magic dog.

Posted by: Publius on August 25, 2004 04:45 PM

It sounds to me like Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide has been puffing from the hookah a little too much while listening to Ziggy Stardust.

Posted by: WindyCity on August 25, 2004 04:51 PM

9. Crusaders will be confused and harassed by special holy curse that makes them feel like they're not wearing a hat when they are, but that they are wearing a hat when they take it off

Does this curse also make them give their hats to John Kerry out of frustration?

Posted by: Smack on August 25, 2004 05:32 PM

The unclean scoffers at snopes.com lie, and should be beaten with shoes. I swear in the name of God that I too have seen such a spider, and it is most truly as deadly as the righteous Sheik says. The man it bit would surely have died had not his trusty comrade come to rescue him from the Orcs. But the giant elephants with the forts strapped to their backs were still cooler.

Posted by: Paul Zrimsek on August 25, 2004 06:57 PM

Bah, Allah's barely gotten back to updating regularly, I doubt he has time for miracles and shit.

Posted by: Joe R. on August 25, 2004 07:05 PM

Can someone ask Sheik Mahdi Saleh Al-Sumide what he's on, cause I'll take $30 worth.

Posted by: zetetic on August 25, 2004 07:47 PM

It occurs to me that this Al-Sumide needs a new nickname. Baghdad Bob is taken, and he's not in Baghdad anyway. How's about "Fallujah Freddy"?

Nah, not silly enough.

How about "Akefa, Allah's Accountant"?

Posted by: Patton on August 25, 2004 11:10 PM

Send in the Mobile Infantry!

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids on August 26, 2004 12:14 AM