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August 10, 2004

Kerry's One-Point Plan for Solving All of America's Ills

Funny stuff from The Onion.

It's funny. It's funny and it's true.

Thanks to Lucianne.com.

posted by Ace at 05:30 PM

Comments

Wait, I thought the Onion was a satire site. Where was the satire? I don't get it.

Posted by: Brian B on August 10, 2004 06:35 PM

That'll be the first time The (fried) {out of their noodle -ed} Onion has been both funny and true in a LONG time.

WTF ever happened to that right leaning Onion parody site?

Posted by: Mr. Bowen on August 10, 2004 07:27 PM

The Onion? Never heard of it.

Posted by: RS on August 11, 2004 12:17 AM

Or, it's funny and it makes you think (about what an empty shell of a candidate John Kerry is)

Posted by: Russell Wardlow on August 11, 2004 02:23 AM

The last time I actually laughed at an article in The Onion was when they made fun of Gigli. That was good stuff. Now I read it and think, "That's vaguely funny, I guess." Is it just a coincidence that a) the Gigli thing was about Ben Affleck, and b) B-Fleck is now in bed (literally) with the Democrats?

Posted by: Sobek on August 11, 2004 11:24 AM

I agree with Sobek that this is not funny. Kerry has more than one plan to rescue america, and getting rid of Bush is only the first step.
Just knowing that Bush lied and people died is the first step toward political enlightenment. Your readers need to be enlightened.

Posted by: Akefa on August 11, 2004 02:34 PM

Akefa doesn't seem to understand just why I don't find it funny. I never said it was inaccurate.

"Kerry has more than one plan to rescue america..."

Customarily, we capitalize the word America when writing in English. And I agree with you that Kerry has more than one plan. He's got lots of 'em. He's got more plans than any one person can count. Mutually exclusive plans, to be sure, but that's just the beauty of it: he can explain one plan to one group on Monday, and then explain a diametrically opposed plan on Wednesday, all depending on who his audience is. How can you not respect that?

"Just knowing that Bush lied and people died is the first step toward political enlightenment."

I know I felt more politically enlightened when I substituted quoting bumper stickers for reasoned analysis based on fact. Pray tell, to which lie are you referring? And what do you think about John Kerry's lie about Christmas in Cambodia (which Kerry's camp is now backing away from), which led to U.S. withdrawal from Vietnam and the deaths of millions of Vietnamese and Cambodians?

Posted by: Sobek on August 11, 2004 02:51 PM

Viet Nam is ancient history. Republicans need to get over it. Nixon's war hurt america, and republicans never learn.

Posted by: Akefa on August 11, 2004 02:59 PM

"Viet Nam is ancient history."

I couldn't agree more. So why won't Kerry shut up about it? Oh right, he has nothing else to run on.

Pardon my flagrantly ending a sentence with a preposition. I ashamedly realize I've lowered the collective level of discourse here at Ace of Spades HQ. It won't happen again.

Posted by: Sobek on August 11, 2004 03:03 PM

Loose shit, Sobek.

I am rather shocked by how quickly our liberal has gone from Vietnam is the most important issue in this election to Let's just MoveOn (TM).

Posted by: ace on August 11, 2004 03:19 PM

I know, Paul Anka has been sending me hateful e-mails all day.

Posted by: Sobek on August 11, 2004 03:31 PM

"Nixon's war"?

Is that what they're teaching in public school these days? That Nixon started the war?

Actually, it wouldn't surprise me at all: "Nixon started Vietnam, Bushitler lied, now shut up and go practice putting condoms on a banana."

Posted by: Scout on August 11, 2004 03:32 PM

Scout, I don't see why you have to get all snitty about who was president at the technical beginning of the war. Just like a conservative to split hairs about such nit-picky stuff like that.

Along those same lines, I think we are justified in referring to the Spanish Inquisition as the Republican Inquisition, Jeffrey Dahmer's house as Donald Rumsfeld's house, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet as Al Gore's Romeo and Juliet, and Hitler as (I know you can see this one coming) Bush.

Historical Revisionism 101. And BTW, it was a zucchini, not a banana. You're just following the neo-con party line.

Posted by: Sobek on August 11, 2004 03:43 PM

I'm starting to suspect that "Akefa" is an above-average undergraduate AI program.

Posted by: SparcVark on August 11, 2004 05:18 PM

Above average? Dr. Sbaitso makes more sense than Akefa. And at least you can get some enjoyment from Dr. Sbaitso--I never got tired of hearing him curse in broken English.

Posted by: Smack on August 11, 2004 11:22 PM

I always liked hearing him try to pronounce sentences in foreign languages.

Posted by: Sobek on August 11, 2004 11:34 PM

Hey, I would have been hard-pressed to equal the Akefa agent's performance in my sordid academic days. Besides, I give "his" coder points for being able to monitor the comment thread and semi-plausibly handle the munged link with a sort of coherent followup post. Had me going for a while.

Posted by: SparcVark on August 12, 2004 09:39 AM

Nixon's war? Wow. There were two presidents prior to Nixon during the Vietnam War, but it was "Nixon's War". Interesting what people believe in spite of fact.

Posted by: addison on August 14, 2004 06:01 AM

I voted for Tricky Dick because I figured it was going to take a change in parties to get us out of Vietnam. He -did- take a term and a half to do it, however. (Anyone remember -that-?) I'm hopeful Kerry will get us out of Iraq a bit more quickly. But I think McCain would accomplish it with more finesse. He can "think" -and- "do."

Posted by: rodger on August 14, 2004 06:16 PM

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Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
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I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

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Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
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TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
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