Jonah Goldberg Substitutes for Coulter

Brought in as a sub for Coulter after USAToday refused to run the column they'd commissioned, Goldberg pens a screed. I know he means well, but I DON'T GET IT.

Convention week officially began with the shocking news that the wife of a little-known Midwestern governor had written a column in which she criticized the way blacks, Southerners and various Easterners speak. Christie Vilsack — who will be addressing the convention today with, no doubt, perfect diction — apparently wrote her column for something slightly more prestigious than the Food King Flier more than a decade ago.

I DON'T GET IT. WHO IS THE "FOOD KING"? IS THIS A FAT JOKE?

I'M NOT FAT, JONAH. IT'S MOSTLY WATER WEIGHT.

That this "news" rocked the convention — albeit at a fairly low setting on the Richter scale — is a cautionary tale of what happens when a party is determined to deny anything approaching news from breaking out at its convention. If the Democrats will not provide copy, the media will generate their own.

IS THIS MEANT TO BE A SHOT AT THE MEDIA? NOT FUNNY, I DON'T GET IT. THE MEDIA IS THE MOST IMPORTANT AND MOST IDEALISTIC INSTITUTION IN AMERICA.

DID YOU MEAN "RNC" INSTEAD OF MEDIA? THAT JOKE MAKES MORE SENSE TO ME.

Still, one must give them credit; this promises to be the most disciplined Democratic convention ever — which normally would be akin to saying you've found the world's tallest midget.

MAKES NO SENSE. MIDGETS ARE NOT TALL. IF THEY ARE TALL, THEY ARE NOT, BY DEFINITION, MIDGETS.

ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC? IF SO, YOU SURE LOST ME.

...

Kerry's waxing philosophic about how life begins at conception, but the activists still wear abortion-on-demand buttons.

I DON'T GET IT. ARE YOU SUGGESTING SOME INCONSISTENCY? YOU'LL HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR ME.

BETTER YET, DELETE IT ENTIRELY. I KNOW COMEDY, AND THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

YOU KNOW WHO'S FUNNY? THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS. THE YO-YO MAKES ME LAUGH.
...

The irony, of course, is that Kerry is, in fact, far more simpatico with the delegates than any Democratic nominee has been since at least Walter Mondale and perhaps George McGovern — that is, if you go by something as trivial as the senator's actual voting record. Besides, even if Kerry weren't the most liberal senator in the United States — and from perhaps the most liberal state — when we elect presidents, we also elect their parties to staff the government.

IS THIS SARCASTIC? JOHN KERRY IS A MODERATE. I SUGGEST CHANGING REFERENCES TO "LIBERAL" TO "MODERATE" OR "CENTRIST" OR "CENTRIST, COMMON-SENSE PATRIOTIC WAR-HERO MODERATE."

THE JOKE WILL WORK BETTER THAT WAY, I THINK. THE BEST JOKES ARE THE ONES THAT "REALLY MAKE YOU THINK."

Howard Dean is already throwing things at effigies of Bush, Cheney & Co. and popping the veins in his neck as if he's just about to turn into the Hulk.

WHO IS "HULK"?

USATODAY STYLE-BOOK SAYS FIRST REFERENCE TO PERSONS SHOULD BE PRECEDED BY FORMAL TITLE. I WILL CHANGE TO "MR. HULK."

BUT I DON'T REALLY GET THE JOKE.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS FUNNY? MARK RUSSELL. HE SINGS FUNNY SONGS ABOUT POLITICS.

Never underestimate the ability of Democrats to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

NOT FUNNY. I DON'T GET IT. AND I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH A "SNATCH" JOKE.

MIGHT I SUGGEST THIS RE-WRITE:

THE DEMOCRATS WILL WIN IN NOVEMBER BECAUSE THEY'RE THE PARTY OF IDEAS, OPTIMISM, WISDOM AND HOPE.

MAYBE YOU CAN WORK IN SOME SORT OF "MAN FROM HOPE" PUN. THAT WILL KEEP THEM IN STITCHES.

STITCHES, I TELL YOU.