My Editorial Commentary on Andrew Sullivan's Pro-Kerry Burblings

(Note: This whole deal is a bravura comedic synthesis of the latest Andrew Sullivan and Ann Coulter posts. (At least my Mom says so.) If you read this before you read them, YOU WON'T GET IT.)

MASTER-STROKE: I've been writing for months now that Kerry's most effective message would be that he'd conduct the war on terror with more allies and more wisdom than Bush. But I never actually believed he'd be canny enough to do exactly that. But he has!

I DON'T GET IT.

I had a catch in my throat as "Amazing Grace" struck up, and another as I absorbed the fact that a Muslim-American and a Jewish-American had just joined in tribute to the murdered.

ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC? IF SO, YOU REALLY LOST ME.

Rhetorically, at least, they were saying: this is our war too. But we can pursue it more wisely and effectively than the well-meaning hothead now in office. And there was a subtler message as well. Remember when we were one as a nation? Do you really think that president Bush is capable of bringing any of us together again?

NOT FUNNY. IF THERE'S A JOKE HERE, YOU'LL HAVE TO DO A BETTER JOB OF SETTING IT UP. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED KNOCK-KNOCK FORMAT?

SUCH AS:

KNOCK-KNOCK.

--WHO'S THERE?

WE CAN PURSUE THIS WAR MORE WISELY THAN THE HOT-HEAD CURRENTLY IN THE OVAL OFFICE, THAT'S WHO.

SEE? THE PUNCHLINE IS BETTER TELEGRAPHED. IT'S GOT "SNAP."

Jimmy Carter's speech was one of the best I've ever heard from him; and the genius of it was that Carter went against type. He re-introduced himself as a navy veteran...

I DON'T GET ALL THIS PRAISE OF JIMMY CARTER. YOU OBVIOUSLY MEAN THIS IRONICALLY, BUT THE JOKE IS TOO SUBTLE AND FALLS FLAT.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE WALKED IN HALFWAY THROUGH A SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH WITH A PARTICULARLY CONVOLUTED PREMISE.

Kerry showed up. Kerry is as tough as Bush - but with "judgment and maturity." And in case you didn't get the message: "The biggest reason to make John Kerry president is even more important. It is to safeguard the security of our nation."

NOT FUNNY. I DON'T GET IT. ARE YOU CONFUSING JOHN KERRY WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

I FIND THAT MOST FUNNY JOKES INVOLVE EITHER 1) BEARS OR 2) VAGINAS. TRY WORKING IN A BEAR OR A VAGINA ANGLE. MAYBE BOTH, IF YOU'RE FEELING AMBITIOUS.

CLINTON AT HIS BEST: Carter's was the better speech, but Clinton was magnificent.

GOOD SET-UP, BUT WHERE'S THE PUNCHLINE?

REMEMBER, BEARS AND VAGINAS. I THINK THE VAGINA IS THE OBVIOUS GO-TO JOKE FOR CLINTON, BUT MAYBE IT'S A LITTLE TO "ON THE NOSE."

IN SUMMARY:

GOOD EFFORT, BUT NEEDS WORK. KEEP TRYING WITH THE WHOLE "HUMOR" THING, ANDY.

-- YOUR EDITOR,

ACE OF SPADES

P.S. VAGINAS ARE WHERE BABIES COME FROM.