Johnny,

What the hell does "like Kryptonite to Stupid" mean, and is that the gayest catch phrase in the blogosphere?

Hey, Coldcuts, you related to Tony Clifton?

Anyway, is MacIntosh still the best stereo equipment?

Which will happen first: a)plate techtonic activity on Earth ceases, continents are completely eroded away, and the Earth is covered in a shallow sea, or b) the sun expands and swallows up the Earth.

What happened to Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, Dan (aka "D.B.") Cooper, and the moral compass of the modern Democrat?

Johnny,
I'm an junior associate at a large national law firm who is about to take his first deposition. Any advice?

Johnny,

A few years back, I built a seven-string fretless bass guitar in my friend's garage. Should I go for eight?

Johnny Coldcuts... you are my new Hero... do you think you could talk Mr Ace into having pop-up comments so I don't have to taoggle back and forth to read the posts and the comments and the posts and the comments? Fuckin A, then!

Hey, Johnny Coldcuts... you should start your own blog and call it Manuipulated Intelligence... that would be fucking cool!

Dear Mr. Coldcuts,

1. Why did they take Brimstone off the air? It was so cool!

2. Why do electronics companies continue to make picture-in-picture televisions when they KNOW most people have cable boxes, rendering this feature totally useless (unless of course you hook up two cable boxes, but that's so fucking lame)?

3. Why do people continue to BUY televisions BECAUSE they have picture-in-picture??

4. Why did Uma Thurman have to start talking about politics? WHY???

Thanks and regards,
Longshanks

longshanks,

Explain how cable-boxes make picture-in-picture useless. I need to understand what you're saying if I'm to respond in a witty fuckin' manner.

Dear Johnny Coldcuts,

Rye or whole wheat?

Dear Johnny Coldcuts,

Who's hotter, Aisha Gaddafi or Jenna Bush?

Johnny:

I'm a senior associate at a mid-sized law firm and every time I take a deposition, all I can think about is how much I hate the following: (a) my job (b) my employers and (c) my clients. Of course, the federal government has made it a fucking CRIME to default on my staggering student loans, and made it impossible to discharge them even if you file fucking bankruptcy, so I can't afford not to work anywhere else ... any advice?

Ditto on the pop-up comments, Johnny Coldcuts. Also, the way that commenters without a hyperlink aren't highlighted in a diff text color makes the comments all blend together and gives me a fucking headache.

Also, why is John Kerry such a treasonous asshole?

Johnny: If you, me, and Jesus Christ were on a fucking stage together, how many fucking important people would there be on that fucking stage?

Mr. Paul Anka,

You don't really want me to answer that question honestly, do you, ya crooning cocksucking queerbait?

Johnny Coldcuts laughs at Mr. Paul Anka. I bang Mr. Paul Anka's wife, and then we sit in his bed ordering Domino's on his credit card, making fun of him.

By the way, please, don't anyone suggest a fuckin' title for my advice column.

I've already friggin' got one, thank you, and it's the nuts.

Dear Mr. Coldcuts,

I have an Australian Cattle Dog who hates the fucking mailman with a fucking vengeance. I think he may have gotten it from me because I hate getting the mail.
He also chases cars (He didn't get THAT from me) and even got run over by one but it didn't teach him a fucking thing. I keep him strictly leashed near the road now.

He is a good boy but sometimes these things he does puts me on the verge of fucking insanity.

I have tried everything but he just looks at me with those empty uncomprehending eyes, saying 'Fuck You' at me. What should I do to break these habits?

Sincerely,

Johnny: You want mustard with that tough guy?

Oh, and ditto on everything Bill @ INDC said.

Johnny Coldcuts,

You kick ass. I was going to ask your advice as to why I've not been able to get laid in the last 3 years, but I'll settle for permission to use your kick ass name as a pseudonym when I play Call of Duty online. Please? Please? Please?

Dear Mr. Cuts:

I and some equally befuddled colleagues would appreciate it if you could turn your laser-like insight to the following quote from Andrew Sullivan:

"Here's an interesting site about box turtles: "Their trademark is a hinge on the front part of the plastron allowing the turtle to close up very tightly. This feature provides great protection from raccoons, foxes and other predators." If only we gays had similar protections against predators in the Senate."

What does it mean? Has he finally cracked under our nation's Gestapo-like attitude toward gays (you will recall the swamp prisons of the Okefenokee, which may give rise to the "turtle" reference)? Is it some strange attempt to oraculate? Is it code? Is it the ravings of a fevered brain? Help us. THIS MAY BE THE SULLY ROSETTA STONE, MR. CUTS.

Explain how cable-boxes make picture-in-picture useless. I need to understand what you're saying if I'm to respond in a witty fuckin' manner.

Typical. Okay, it goes like this...

The cable comes out of the wall. It then goes into the cable box. It comes out of the cable box and then (barring any other components) goes into the TV.

You control the channels on the cable box, so there can only be one channel coming out of the box at a time. If there is only one channel coming into the TV, how can you watch another channel on the PIP?

Now, I understand that most new TV's come "cable-ready", and if you only have basic cable, you can go right from the wall into the TV, and the PIP will work. But if you have any premium channels (Sopranos??), you must have a box in order to descramble the premium signal.

You could, theoretically, watch non-premium on the main screen and a premium channel on the PIP window by spitting the cable and having the cable box feed one of them. But in order to watch, say, Showtime on the main screen and HBO in the PIP window, you would need two cable boxes to achieve this (not to mention two remotes).

Some cable box manufacturers have actually gotten their heads screwed on straight and moved the PIP functionality to the cable box, eliminating the whole problem.

Okay, do you get it now?

This is a real problem, and the salespeople at Circuit City or Tweeter or wherever will never voluntarily tell you about it. Go ahead, try it sometime. Tell the sales guy you have premium cable, then ask him why you should pay up for the PIP model.

This is one of the darkest secrets in consumer electronics...

^ Imposter, you're not johnny fuckin coldcuts.

*removes sherlock holmes het*

My question is, seeing as how you probably aren't walkin around much either, how do you get rid of these damned hemherroids?

Hey Johnny.

I've been pretty lonely lately. Want to get together sometime, maybe catch a movie?