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July 09, 2004

The Comedic Stylings of Whoopi Goldberg

This should provoke a big, funny post, but I don't have it in me today.

Has this fugly woman ever been funny?

I can attest that the answer is "no." HBO gave her a stand-up special a lonnggg time ago. This was her very first exposure outside the comfy and supportive confines of Berkeley lesbian coffee-houses. My girlfriend at the time was sort of alternative and funky, and she had read the predictable raves for this important new comic voice. So, I sits me down beside her to watch the special.

I watched in slack-jawed horror. The horror of social embarassment, that sinking feeling you get when someone is drunk and confessing all sorts of things he ought to keep to himself. It wasn't funny. The best that can be said of it was that it "had a good message," if by "good message" you mean "trite liberal message."

My then-girlfriend attempted to force laughs in the beginning -- as people do when they're expecting something to be funny, but then it turns out to really, really suck -- but gave up about midway through.

And since then... goodness. Her big "jokes" in her movies are 1) telling guys they have small dicks and 2) telling guys she's going to kick them in the balls.

Ehhh, such put-downs and threats have some place, I suppose. But I generally expect a little more inventiveness from a professional alleged comic. (And those jokes are pure Whoopie-- she put those in there. It cannot be the case that she receives nothing but a steady stream of small dick/"kick ya in ya balls" scripts. No one gets that lucky!)

And Comic Relief. Comic Relief! I would say that watching Whoopie on Comic Relief was much akin to suffering through the Yoko Ono songs on a John Lennon album, except that I wouldn't want to malign the dead by comparing Lennon to Billy Crystal and Robin "I'm 'improvising' all this shit I've been doing for 30 years" Williams.

So the analogy doesn't really hold. Let's hypothesize that Yoko Ono put a lot of her screechingly painful songs on Foghat albums. Okay, then: Watching her on Comic Relief was much like having to listen to Yoko Ono songs as the price for hearing all that amazing Foghat.

Now we're informed that the Whoopster made a clever play on the name "Bush," apparently making some sort of heretofore undiscovered connection between that name and slang for the female pundendum. Good one. Seriously.

I've got an eight-year-old nephew, Whoopie, if you need a new writer. He's the fucking nuts when it comes to pee-pee, poo-poo, and butt jokes.

Throw in Dick Cheney and Colin Powell and you've got yourself 50 minutes of solid material you can take on the road... assuming this is 1988, and people haven't heard this rather-obvious stuff eight billion times already.

"President Vagina." All sorts of comedic possibilities.

The jokes practically write themselves... practically, that is. Unfortunately, they don't actually write themselves, but the Whoopster keeps waiting for them to do so.

Actually, she's a little like Wonkette, in that neither writes actual jokes, but just use dirty words and expect that to garner laughs. I don't know-- is there a rule that women need only write or say "cock" or "pooter" in order to be deemed outrageously funny? That doesn't seem to work for me, or any other man I know; "cock" and "pooter" can be part of a joke, of course, but men seem to be expected to actually have some humorous observation or turn of phrase to be credited as having made a funny.*

For Wonkette and Whoopie, I guess, the word "dick" constitutes a set-up and punch-line in and of itself. Because, you know, they're women. It's "outrageous" when women say dirty words, even in 2004, when 90% of women in the workplace are quite comfortable saying "motherfucker."

Or something.

Whoopie Goldberg is a loathesome woman. Not necessarily because of her politics, but because she's never had a lick of talent ("lick!"-- maybe another Bush joke!) and yet we're all supposed to pretend she's funny. And she has the arrogance to actually take her courtesy-chuckles and polite applause as proof of her brilliance.

She's not funny. Isn't now, wasn't then, won't be in the future. To say she's a has-been would be slander the past.

* Correction: I guess it's not quite true that no man can just say "cock" and get laughs. Norm MacDonald can. But it's all the delivery there. And, while he can get laughs by just saying "cock," he actually -- get this -- works in a few jokes here and there.

So: apart from Norm MacDonald, who is one of the most gifted comics in history in terms of pure delivery, no man can get laughs just by saying the word "cock."

Update: Don reminds me she played "Guinan" or whatever on that horrendous Star Trek snoozefest. Another reason to hate her.

Oh, and here's another reason. Three words: Center. Fucking. Square.

In Hollywood, you're not officially washed-up until you take that scary-important center square. Sad, really, when the funniest things a comic says were written for her by notorious non-talent Bruce Villanche.

posted by Ace at 01:19 PM

Comments

There is nothing funny about a woman with no eyebrows.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! on July 9, 2004 01:30 PM

I met her (and John Kerry - sort of - more like I stood next to him in a group of people at a party as he had a conversation with one of us) at a pro-choice VIP fundraiser concert and reception a couple years back (I received invites via friends). Her act was largely crass .. it had funny moments, but there were whole streams of material devoted to menstruation, which actually made some of the crowd uncomfortable. I wanted to put cotton in my ears.

When I met her at the reception she was prickly and seemed surprised to meet me and a friend ... I could be wrong, but I sort of wondered whether it was shock at seeing white guys in business attire in what was largely a feminazi glad-handing session.

Posted by: Bill from INDC on July 9, 2004 01:34 PM

Not sure Foghat is the best substitute for Lennon, since Lonesome Dave Peverett passed away a couple years back.

That said, you're completely right about the browless wonder.

Posted by: zetetic on July 9, 2004 01:36 PM

Wasn't it Sam Kinnison who said "America doesn't have the balls to admit that Whoopie Goldberg isn't funny"?

Posted by: ccwbass on July 9, 2004 01:42 PM

That was sublime: Foghat = second-rate, washed up. But they were good performers. I seem to recall a stuporific show way back in '78 . . .

Posted by: dano on July 9, 2004 01:43 PM

Picture this:

A "last woman(?) standing" comedy routine.
Stage left: Whoopie
Stage Middle: Janene Garofalo
Stage Right: Margaret Cho
MC: Paula Poundstone

Who wins? (I know anyone forced to watch loses, but in the unlikely event one of these losers were to garner a laugh, who would it be?)

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on July 9, 2004 01:49 PM

Cho would definitely win. Calling herself the Notorious CHO was kind of funny.

And we will always be indebted to Foghat for the following reason: Rush's first big gig was opening for them.

Posted by: Karl on July 9, 2004 01:55 PM

Whoopi will be remembered for the nothing role of the bartender Guinan on Star Trek: The Next Generation well before anyone will ever remember that she was supposedly a comedienne. That will only come up as an obscure trivia question.

Whoopi-de-freakin-do.

Posted by: Don Callaway on July 9, 2004 01:56 PM

I guess it's not quite true that no man can just say "cock" and get laughs. Norm MacDonald can.

"I thought the show was about cocks."

"Cocks is NEXT week!"

Posted by: ilyka on July 9, 2004 02:14 PM

Don reminds me she played "Guinan"

Which sounds vaguely like "Vagina". So even there, she had to stay true to form.

Posted by: Brian B on July 9, 2004 02:39 PM

What does Johnny Coldcuts think about this?

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on July 9, 2004 02:59 PM

I was just wondering where the Wry-on-Rye Mr. Coldcuts was off to.

Posted by: Brian B on July 9, 2004 03:29 PM

I liked her as gyno.

She raved about one thing in the mid-eighties that completely redeems her entire career: To paraphrase, "What the hell are they doing firing Jimmy the Greek? All he said was slave owners bred the biggest, strongest slaves. That ain't nothin' but true. You're damned right."

I thought that was gutsy.

Posted by: rdbrewer on July 9, 2004 03:34 PM

South Park's treatment of Whoopi was nice in its simplicity:

[Presenting at an awards show]
Whoopi: I hate Republicans.
Audience: (laughter)
Whoopi: Republicans are stupid.
Audience: (more laughter)
Whoopi: I hate Republicans.
Audience: (laughter and applause)

Posted by: Russell Wardlow on July 9, 2004 04:33 PM

Perhaps Johnny Coldcuts can be persuaded to offer his thoughts about the "Whoopi-Ted Danson" love affair that supposedly developed during the Movie they made together. (Made in America?)

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on July 9, 2004 04:47 PM

Maybe humor is just personal but I thought that 'Jumping Jack Flash' was funny. I mean, you can't beat 'I'm a little black woman in a big silver box!'Her original concert performances were funny like when she did her valley girl impressions and such. I do admit she isn't that funny anymore. But she used to be.

Posted by: Tom on July 9, 2004 05:25 PM

Whoopi Goldberg is an asshole.

As her jokes/sets/skits are delivered, we learn how big an asshole.

No debate.

Posted by: sonofnixon on July 9, 2004 06:06 PM

I think you're all missing one important thing, here. The woman's name is Whoopi. [high-pitched giggling]heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee! [/high-pitched giggling]

Sorry, I just felt left out because I can't comment on her comedy, having never bothered to actually watch any of it.

Posted by: Aaron on July 9, 2004 06:16 PM

It is my duty to remind you all that Ted Danson hit that. Of his own volition.

Posted by: Allah on July 9, 2004 07:15 PM

Thanks, Allah. And just in time for the weekend. I may have my appetite back in time for Breakfast Monday morning.

Posted by: Brian B on July 9, 2004 08:39 PM

Apparently Whoopi struck a nerve by referring to Edwards as "kid" repeatedly. Touchy-feely Kerry got up and told her, "I have a man, Whoopi!"

Hmm...possibilities there.

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1506&u=/afp/20040709/ts_alt_afp/us_vote_kerry_fundraiser_040709132957&printer=1

Posted by: see dubya on July 9, 2004 09:36 PM

Re the center square: Why are showbiz types the only ones who get this handy Seal Of Mediocrity? We need a Bloggywood Squares! I'll take Oliver Willis to block.

Posted by: Paul Zrimsek on July 9, 2004 09:46 PM

He does have a man. KERRY AND EDWARDS LOVE VIDEO

Posted by: rdbrewer on July 9, 2004 09:48 PM

Thanks, Allah. I'd forgotten about Danson and the 'ho. (Sorry, folks, but that's HER self referencial appellation.)

Apropos of nothing but since it's Friday night I thought I should share a joke. (Stop me if you've heard this one...)

A woman nervously asks her doctor, "Doc, can a woman get pregnant from anal sex?"

Doctor: "Of course, where do you think trial attorneys come from?"

Posted by: kelly on July 9, 2004 10:01 PM

Sure..Allah gets all the credit for the Ted Danson reference...never mind the fact that the Ole Senator posted about it 2 and 1/2 hours earlier on the thread....

I wish I was a diety.

Come on, Johnny Coldcuts. You're my only hope. Trash talk these jokers who dont read my incredibly provacative entries!!!! :)

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on July 9, 2004 11:17 PM

Sorry, Senator, you did start the Ted/Ho thingy.
Alas, Dieties trump senators.

Good luck with Johnny Coldcuts, though.

Me, I'm just starting to get confused with all these "Johns." Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Posted by: kelly on July 9, 2004 11:35 PM

SHe also dated Frank Langella. Think of the creepy kids those two would've had.

Posted by: Russell Wardlow on July 9, 2004 11:40 PM

I once read an interview with Norm MacDonald, and in it he said his main approach to comedy on the SNL news was to make the joke so obvious that you knew it was coming, but to deliver it so you still laughed.
So, yeah, he was all about delivery, since "surprise" makes up about 80% of humor and he willingly and deliberately avoided surprise.

Posted by: Nathan on July 10, 2004 12:22 AM

Amazing, rdbrewer. After seeing that I suspect AFP misquoted Kerry. He didn't say "I have a man, Whoopi," but rather, "I have a man! Whoopee!"

Damn liberal media punctuation.

Posted by: see-dubya on July 10, 2004 01:03 AM

What is much sadder is that the women Senator PhilABuster mentions were once long ago quite funny. The one-woman stage show that made Whoppi famous was great. It was also over twenty years ago and doesn't excuse the last decade's offenses.

Janeane Garofalo was never a good standup. She can't remember her own material well enough to get past a five minute set. When I tried to watch her do a whole hour it was just painful. Almost like a wandering schizophrenic had taken the stage and nobody noticed she wasn't the intended performer. Yet she did great work on the Ben Stiller Show. She can be good when she works under strong direction and doesn't let her pseudo-intellectual pretensions run away with her.

Margaret Cho was once a decent standup but got promoted Peter Principle fashion way beyond her abilities due to certain people's compulsion to overpromote her for reasons of her ethnicity rather than ability.

Paula Poundstone was once genuinely great. She was obviously not straight but never let it be a crutch and was by far the best standup of this bunch. The HBO Special she had in the 90's is still great. She lost it all with booze but I wouldn't lump her in with those others. She was left leaning but never, at least not in my hearing, obnoxiously so. IT was more a matter of her career being kidnapped by the Professionally Gay who required her to be a foot soldier for their cause.

Posted by: Eric Pobirs on July 10, 2004 06:45 AM

I thought Whoopi's "one-woman stage show" (isn't this, um, just a high-falutin' way to say "stand-up act"?) was horrible, as I mentioned above.

Jeneane's not funny, as you say. Also, I don't know if she did "great" work on the Stiller show. I've only seen a couple of episodes; I don't know why everyone praises it. I thought it was kind of dumb.

But even if it were a good show-- I didn't think Jeanene was doing anything spectacular.

I agree with you on Paula Poundstone. I've always thought she was funny, and I always liked her. Not like that; I just mean she's one of those comics who seemed likeable as a human being. (How ironic that would turn out, eh?)

Posted by: Ace on July 10, 2004 01:28 PM

Where did she find a copier that big? She must have gone to a professional shop and used the Big Girl Xerox. Couldn't they get ozone liberal Sandra Bernhard? At least she's funny, even if she is a faux-Heart fan who forgot Ann Wilson's birthday.

Posted by: jeff on July 10, 2004 02:41 PM

Wait a minute, Whoopie Goldberg is a WOMAN?

Posted by: Dacotti on July 12, 2004 01:35 AM

I never understood why Troi didn't leave Star Trek when they brought Guinen on. Its not as if she got a lot of screen time in the large cast, then they give Whoopies character the same job of counceling the crew (with the addition of passing out free booze). Just pathetic how they bent over for this faux comedian.

Posted by: ruprecht on July 12, 2004 01:14 PM

NEWSFLASH: Slim-Fast flushes Whoopi -- loses 250 pounds of ugly fat. Details at 11 ... .. ... . ..

Posted by: Al_A._Ghory on July 15, 2004 06:00 PM

Can someone please tell me what Whoopi Goldberg said? Did she point to her pussy and say "Read my lips!"? ... or what?

Posted by: Steve Connor on July 16, 2004 04:58 AM

Could you please tell me what Whoopie actually said. At you convenience, of course. Thank you

Posted by: Henry on July 17, 2004 05:35 PM

Wow this whoopi stuff nasty sexual comments by a BLACK WOMAN has fertilized to the max all the sexual inclinations of our cyber white boys.
we can name-call cant we! when logic fails curse it. repuke rule number one.

Posted by: bizhart on July 18, 2004 09:05 PM

Yes, indeed, we're all sexually charged up by Whoopi's comments. You're right, Bizhart -- we're all a bunch of sexually-repressed gay-panic cryptomoralists that we never have any sexual thoughts, except when the delectable Ms. Goldberg puts them in our heads, and then we have a psychic crisis/race-hate-festival.

By the way, asshole, the only person bringing up race is you.

I'm just bringing up the fact that she's unfunny, untalented, and has uniformed knee-jerk Woodstock "policy positions" common among retards such as yourself.

we can name-call cant we! when logic fails curse it. repuke rule number one.

Hint: If you're going to chide someone for name-calling, it's probably best not to make your hypocrisy so blatant by concluding with a "name-call" insult like "repuke."

Just a little advice that might help you in your, ahem, career.

Posted by: ace on July 19, 2004 01:59 AM

A woman nervously asks her doctor, "Doc, can a woman get pregnant from anal sex?"

Reminds me of Ted Danson's (in)famous Goldberg-penned blackface bit at the Friars Club roast. Spy magazine printed a transcript back in '92 or so. "Highlights" included a joke about oral sex ("Aw, c'mon, Whoop, don't n****r-lip it"), and another one about Danson's mom catching Ted and Whoopi going at it, and asking Ted if he'd thought about the consequences of having kids with her ("When you take them to the beach, who'll make sure cats don't try to bury them?"). But of course, this wasn't racist humor, because Whoopi wrote it. Or something.

Anyway, Ted's response to his mother was, I guess, the funniest (relatively speaking) line in the routine:

"Aw, relax, Ma; I'm fucking her in the ass!"

Posted by: Alex on December 29, 2004 04:01 PM

You dumbasses wouldn't know talent if it fucked you up the ass.

Posted by: re: public shitcan on April 11, 2005 04:11 PM