Ace of Spades HQ

« What the World Needs Now is Cowbell, Sweet Cowbell | Main | AOLTimeWarner Gives 73% of Its Political Contributions to... Democrats »

June 01, 2004

Al Franken Now Working At Air America For Free

"That sounds about right," say industry insiders

N E W Y O R K -- Al Franken, the bespectacled bonehead who hosts the O'Franken Report for Air America, has agreed to work at the fledling fiasco without salary until the station becomes financially solvent or else goes out of business, whichever comes sooner.

Which will, of course, be the second one.

Franken is best known for his "Stuart Smalley" character, whose foray into film raked in an astonishing $950,000, making it the top-grossing film starring a former member of the "Franken and Davis Show."

Stuart Saves His Family did stunning business at the box-office, taking in a haul that put it just thirty or forty million dollars shy of turning a profit. "Had the film made twenty million dollars more," Franken agent said, "people would be talking about Al as the new Chris Kattan, or at least the new Tim Kazurinsky."

Franken's show continues to be the highest-rated program on the Air America radio "network," which is a "network" in the same sense that you and your drinkin' buddy "Stinky" constitute a "network." Franken's ratings have zoomed in the past month, and the show is now rated number 6 in the New York market in the key demographic of 54-55 year old female abortion-services providers who own more that five Paula Cole albums.

In what a Franken spokesperson hails as a "triumph," Franken's ratings have now passed the ratings for non-Spanish speakers who accidentally listen to Spanish-language stations because they misprogrammed their cars' digital tuner and now have all ten presets set to Ola! Con Nina y "El Jalapeno."

"These numbers show absolutely remarkable growth," Franken's spokescreature said. "Within a month, we'll pass our key competitor, Channel D."

Channel D is a non-commercial bandwidth reserved for radio communications between security guards.

Air America celebrated the latest good news by throwing a party at one of New York's most exclusive restaurants, the 68th Street Bennigan's. The partygoers further saved station resources by skipping out on the bill.

"If Al Franken can work without a salary, so can the Bennigan's corporation," fellow host Lizz Winstead remarked. "We've all got to do our bit for progressive politics and social justice."

Lisa, the waitress who served them, disagrees, and says she wants to at least be tipped for her service. When asked if she harbors any hard feelings towards Al Franken, she turns quizzically and says, "Who?"

posted by Ace at 02:48 PM

Comments

If a lying liar lies on the radio...and nobody is listening...is it still a lie?

Posted by: sonofnixon on June 1, 2004 03:02 PM

Another excellent bit of writing Ace. Oh how you help me pass the hours I must spend toiling mindlessly for evil capitalist pigs.

Posted by: marty on June 1, 2004 04:21 PM

Im feeling all tingly w/ schadenfreude. Can't wait to guffaw, chortle and snort over Air America's imminent demise.

Posted by: Golden Boy on June 1, 2004 04:41 PM

When they fail it will only be more evidence that capitalism is flawed, and inherently unfair, and that corporate interests are crushing true freedom of thought in this country.

Sigh.

Posted by: lauraw on June 1, 2004 05:21 PM

Libertarian talk-show host Neal Boortz thinks the inevitable crash and burn of Air America is a bad thing. Not because it contributes anything of substance, of course, but because it will give liberals more incentive to try to shut down commerically viable (i.e. conservative) talk radio. I'm not sure I agree. He makes it sound like liberals *need* an excuse.

Posted by: Aaron on June 1, 2004 05:24 PM

"When they fail it will only be more evidence that capitalism is flawed, and inherently unfair, and that corporate interests are crushing true freedom of thought in this country."

No, when they fail, it will prove that fewer and fewer people want to hear the garbage that passes for coherent thought on the Left these days.

Posted by: zetetic on June 1, 2004 10:05 PM

Your ratings are a little off, though. It's actually "#1 among 18-54 year olds."

From the Chicago Tribune:

"But in New York, where Air America still broadcasts over WLIB-1190 AM, the network beat Limbaugh's station, Disney-owned WABC, among both 25-to-54-year-olds and 18-to-34-year-olds during the 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. period. In the 25-to-54 demographic, WLIB garnered a 3.4 share to WABC's 3.1; among 18-to-34-year-olds, WLIB won sevenfold with a 2.9 share to WABC's 0.4."

Posted by: on June 2, 2004 02:32 AM

More from the same article:
"The April audience estimates, which are the first data indicating whether or not Air America's brand of liberal talk radio can find an audience, come from a third-party analysis of Arbitron data, called 'extrapolations.'

Insiders cautioned that, while it is standard to use extrapolations as a guide to the performance of a station, they are preliminary and prone to a certain margin of error."

And the NYT tells us that the "third party" here is..........Air America.

Air America has more than its share of ongoing troubles.

Posted by: Mickey Chandler on June 2, 2004 03:18 AM

"No, when they fail, it will prove that fewer and fewer people want to hear the garbage that passes for coherent thought on the Left these days."

You just try and tell THEM that. They are experts at blowing smoke up their own butts and ignoring actual reality, in favor of some theoretical world that doesn't exist.

Trust me. When they fail it will be America's fault, not Air America's fault.

Posted by: lauraw on June 2, 2004 10:21 AM

"When they fail it will be America's fault, not Air America's fault."

Well, of course. They have to be victims of something; otherwise they wouldn't be liberals.

Posted by: zetetic on June 2, 2004 12:07 PM

or.. umm.. sorta.

Posted by: Neal Boortz kicks Franken's ass on his own show! on June 3, 2004 11:16 AM

And here I always thought that Channel D was reserved for the use of Number 1, Section 2 and Number 2, Section 2.

Posted by: fox2 on June 6, 2004 07:17 PM

More Americans voted for liberal Gore than conservative Bush in the 2000 election.

ZING!

Posted by: Pilot1 on June 8, 2004 06:37 PM

Well it has been about a year and Air America is going strong, any smart assed shit to say now?
You willfully ignorant pricks should tune in and learn something some time.

Posted by: megadave2002 on May 24, 2005 03:15 PM

Amazon.com Widgets

Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]

Top Headlines

Ryan Long goes to the No Kings rally to pick up young liberal hotties and is greatly disappointed in the quality of the mish
thanks to stevey

You know we "joke" about the GOPe just "conserving" leftist things?
David French just posted:

Populists ask what conservativism has ever conserved?
Well its about to conserve birthright citizenship!
Posted by: 18-1

I couldn't hate this queen of the cuck-chair more if it paid seven figures and came with a corner office.

TJM definitively ranks the films of John Boorman.

Kid punks CNN chump by speaking truth to retard

Podcast: CBD and Sefton talk birthright citizenship, the 14th Amendment and SCOTUS, no boots in Iran, Artemis II and refocusing NASA, the NBA's hatred of everything non-woke, and more!

In more marketing for Project Hail Mary, scientists say they've found the biosigns indicating life growing on an alien planet. It's not proof, just signatures of chemicals that are produced by biological metabolism, and it could be nothing, but scientists think it's a strong sign that this planet is inhabited by something.

In a paper published in the Astrophysical Journal Letters, a team of scientists announced the detection of dimethyl sulfide (along with a similar detection of dimethyl disulfide) in the atmosphere of an exoplanet called K2-18b. This is actually the second detection of dimethyl sulfide made on this planet, following a tentative detection in 2023.
Tons of chemicals are detected in the atmospheres of celestial objects every day. But dimethyl sulfide is different, because on Earth, it's only produced by living organisms.
"It is a shock to the system," Nikku Madhusudhan, first author on the paper, told the New York Times. "We spent an enormous amount of time just trying to get rid of the signal."

He means they tried to prove the signal was caused by things other than dimethyl sulfide but they could not.

Artemis moon shot a go, scheduled for 6:24 Eastern time tonight
Great marketing arranged by Amazon to promote Project Hail Mary. Okay not really but it does work out that way.

TJM talks John Boorman, director of Excalibur

Good rickroll

What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
LOTR is a very long story. Fifteen hundred pages or so. The Hobbit is relatively short and very punchy and easy to read. If you don't like The Hobbit, you can skip out on LOTR. If you do like it, you'll be primed to read LOTR.
Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.

The Hobbit Challenge: Read two more chapters. I didn't have much time. Bilbo got the ring.
I noticed a continuity problem. Maybe. Now, as of the time of The Hobbit, it was unknown that this magic ring was in fact a Ring of Power, and it was doubly unknown that it was the Ring of Power, the Master Ring that controlled the others.
But the narrator -- who we will learn in LOTR was none of than Bilbo himself, who wrote the book as "There and Back Again" -- says this about Gollum's ring:
"But who knows how Gollum had come by that present [the Ring], ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said."
In another passage, the ring is identified as a "ring of power."
I don't know, I always thought there was a distinction between mere magic rings and the Rings of Power created by Sauron. But this suggests that Bilbo knew this was a ring of power created by Sauron.
Now I don't remember when Bilbo wrote the Hobbit. In the movie, he shows Frodo the book in Rivendell, and I guess he wrote it after he left the Shire. I guess he might have added in the part about the ring being a ring of power created by "the Master" after Gandalf appraised him of his research into the ring.
I never noticed this before. I know Tolkien re-wrote this chapter while he was writing LOTR to make the ring important from the start. And also to make Gollum more sinister and evil, and also to remove the part where Gollum actually offers Bilbo the ring as a "present" -- Bilbo had already found it on his own, but Gollum was wiling to give it away, which obviously is not something the rewritten Gollum would ever do.
But I had no memory of the ring being suggested to be The Ring so early in the tale.

Finish the job, Mr. President!
Melanie Phillips lays out the case for the total destruction of the Iranian government and armed forces. [CBD]

TJM acts like he knows anything about John Wick and screenwriting. It's embarrassing, really.

Podcast: Sefton and CBD talk about how would a peace treaty with Iran work, Democrats defending murderers and rapists, The GOP vs. Dem bench for 2028, composting bodies? And more!

Oh, I forgot to mention this quote from Pete Hegseth, reported by Roger Kimball: "We are sharing the ocean with the Iranian Navy. We're giving them the bottom half."

Batman fires The Batman
Batman is disgusted by the Joachim Phoenix version of Joker
Batman tries to fire Superman
Batman is still workshopping his Bat-Voice

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Red Leather Suit and Sweatband Edition
And I was here to please
I'm even on knees
Makin' love to whoever I please
I gotta do it my way
Or no way at all

Tomorrow is March 25th, "Tolkien Reading Day," because March 25th is the day when the Ring is destroyed in the book. I think I'm going to start the Hobbit tomorrow and read all four books this time.
The only bad part of the trilogy are the Frodo/Sam chapters in The Two Towers. They're repetitive, slow, and mostly about the weather and terrain. But most everything else is good. Weirdly, the Frodo-Sam chapters in Return of the King are exciting and action-packed and among the best in the trilogy. (Though the chapters with everyone else in Return of the King get pretty slow again. Mostly people talking about marching towards war, and then marching towards war.)

Sec. Army recognizes ODU Army ROTC cadets for their bravery and sacrifice in private ceremony
[Hat Tip: Diogenes] [CBD]