Support.
Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!
Contact
Top Headlines
Chris Dreja RIP: of the legendary 60s Rock band The Yardbirds has died at 79. Dreja co-founded The Yardbirds in 1963; playing rhythm guitar alongside lead axman Tom Topham, singer Keith Relf, drummer Jim McCarthy and bassist Paul Samwell-Smith. The group would go on to feature three of the most celebrated guitarists in rock history in Eric Clapton, who replaced Topham in 1993; Jeff Beck, who took over for Clapton in 1965; and future Led Zeppelin heavyweight Jimmy Page, who joined in 1966; when Samwell-Smith left. (J.J. Sefton)
I have no regrets about quitting the NFL.
I also have no regrets about quitting the increasingly gay James Bond:
Bleeding Fool
@BleedingFool

Amazon removed the guns from key art used on every James Bond film on Prime -ostensibly to provide a unified look for the series on streaming. Alas, removing the weapons left 007 in some awkward poses.
What does this portend about Amazon MGM's handling of Bond?


Censored images of Bond, now disarmed, here
via BetaCuck4Lyfe, which coincidentally enough will be James Bond's new cover identity.
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: Hegseth slaps the generals, is the Gaza peace plan another chimera, Iowa's illegal alien school superintendent, the deep state subverts our republic, and more!
Oh great, another reboot of an old TV series for "The Modern Audience"
More Leftist Violence. On 9/23, Rapper Ice Cube's tour bus firebombed by protesters in Portland after being mistaken for ICE deportation bus. The MSM is giving this story a good leaving alone. [dri]
Sinclair folds under political pressure from Democrats like Bernie Sanders who demanded they air Jimmy Kimmel again; for reasons they won't even pretend to explain, that kind of political pressure is allowable and even righteous.
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: A Palestinian state will lead to more violence, The UN plays dangerous games with President Trump, the newest ICE attack, will the Right respond with violence, and more!
After another rough week, here is a pleasant palate cleanser of Rose singing a live version of her hit APT (with Psy). This song generated 2 billion views on YouTube in less than a year. Enjoy! [dri]
Can Texas A&M be saved? Mere days after its woke President was forced out over his DEI/LGBT advocacy, the university just posted for a tenure-track “Latinx Environmental History” position. “For queries about the position please contact Dr. Sonia Hernández electronically at soniah@tamu.edu” I just might query about it. [Buck]
Where are all the Madison Cornbreads of yesteryear?
Trump Adds $100,000 Fee for H-1B Visas, Launches New 'Gold Card' Visa
This Trump fellow seems to be serious. [CBD]
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: Charlie Kirk, Jimmy Kimmel, and whether a hot Civil War is on the horizon, plus some rambling about America!
Recent Entries
Until You See Pigs Flying Over Trenton And Richmond, Don't Hold Your Breath
Reading Thread 10/05/2025
Daily Tech News 35 September 2025
Saturday Night "Club ONT" October 4, 2025 [The 3 Ds]
Saturday Evening Movie Thread [moviegique]: Dead of Winter
Hobby Thread - October 4, 2025 [Santa Rex]
Ace of Spades Pet Thread, October 4
Berry Enticing Guest Gardening Post [Lex]
How, exactly, do people "disagree better"?
The Classical Saturday Coffee Break & Prayer Revival
Recent Comments
Tom Servo: "We live in an age where very few know how to do ef ..." [view]

Quarter Twenty : "I'm so old I remember when we had Election Day and ..." [view]

OrangeEnt: "Posted by: March Hare at October 05, 2025 12:17 PM ..." [view]

Dr_No: "Oh! Since no one claimed it already: FIRST! ..." [view]

Mister Scott (Formerly GWS): "For a *republican* to win in new jersey they have ..." [view]

March Hare: "Re: [i]Frankenstein[/i] For some reason I found i ..." [view]

[/i][/s][/b][/u]Oddbob: "[i]Anyone have any thoughts on Banned Books Week? ..." [view]

Dr_No: "Trusting 'Republicans' to 'do the right thing' is ..." [view]

OrangeEnt: "Pose this question on the Gun Thread. A solution m ..." [view]

LinusVanPelt: "Sadly I think the GOP loses both these races. Mayb ..." [view]

Eromero: "9 I think Scott Presler is working to get out the ..." [view]

Tom Servo: "A hope in Virginia is that the recent news about ..." [view]

Alberta Oil Peon: "I do have one, but it's a cathedral ceiling and I ..." [view]

bear with asymmetrical balls: "7 It's not the sheer awfulness of the Dem candida ..." [view]

OrangeEnt: "Converting his popularity into meaningful, long-te ..." [view]

Search


Bloggers in Arms

RI Red's Blog!
Behind The Black
CutJibNewsletter
The Pipeline
Second City Cop
Talk Of The Town with Steve Noxon
Belmont Club
Chicago Boyz
Cold Fury
Da Goddess
Daily Pundit
Dawn Eden
Day by Day (Cartoon)
EduWonk
Enter Stage Right
The Epoch Times
Grim's Hall
Victor Davis Hanson
Hugh Hewitt
IMAO
Instapundit
JihadWatch
Kausfiles
Lileks/The Bleat
Memeorandum (Metablog)
Outside the Beltway
Patterico's Pontifications
The People's Cube
Powerline
RedState
Reliapundit
Viking Pundit
WizBang
Faces From Ace's
The Rogues' Gallery.
Archives
Syndicate this site (XML)

Powered by
Movable Type 2.64

« Finally Somebody Said It | Main | Don't Expect the New York Times to Highlight This 9-11 Commission Finding »
July 22, 2004

Mystical Artifacts Removed From Top-Secret Government Warehouse

Sandy Berger Claims "Mishandling" of Ark of the Covenant "Entirely Inadvertent"

W A S H I N G T O N -- The location of the warehouse is one of the most closely-guarded secrets of the American government. Some say it is a former uranium mine situated somewhere in the Appallachians of West Virginia, 1200 feet beneath the surface of the earth. Others say it was originally a bomb-shelter constructed to house the all 535 Congressmen and their families in case of a nuclear attack on the US.

Wherever the warehouse is actually located, it is closely guarded by an elite team of US Marines deputized to the National Archives service.

And reports say that several of the warehouse's most important objects are missing. Former Clinton National Security Advisor Sandy Berger is being questioned by the FBI in connection with the lost treasures.

"Sandy Berger is cooperating fully with the FBI," his lawyer, Lanny Breuer, informed a credulous Washington press corps on Wednesday. "He is voluntarily answering questions, and he's been completely forthcoming and honest in detailing his actions inside the warehouse. He's very sorry that he made an error in judgment in inadvertently putting the lost Ark of the Covenant into his shorts and then leaving with it."

The Ark of the Covenant is reportedly two cubits high, 2.5 cubits long, and 1.5 cubits in breadth. It is said to weigh approximately 400 pounds.

"I mishandled the lost Ark of the Covenant," Berger himself has admitted to authorities. "I'm a very sloppy guy. If you saw my desk, you'd understand I'm just forever accidentally slipping powerfully-magical lost Israelite relics into my socks and my trousers. One time I accidentally took the Dead Sea Scrolls with me on a vacation in Nantucket. It's an understandable enough mistake, and I hope to resolve this issue quietly and as soon as possible."

While the Washington press corps was more than eager to accept this explanation as plausible, several questions remain. Most importantly: Where, exactly, is the Ark of the Covenant at the moment?

Mr. Berger could offer no satisfactory answers. "I'm not sure where the Ark is right now," he has said through his lawyer. "I think I might have accidentally discarded it somewhere. Again, if you saw how messy my house was, you would understand how very innocent all of this is. On one occasion, I accidentally used the only known true copy of the Egyptian Book of the Dead to light a barbecue fire. I tell you-- sometimes I swear I'd forget my own head if it weren't stuffed so snuggly up my ass."

Democrats and their cheering section in the media were quick to point fingers at Republicans for the "suspicious timing" of the leak about Berger's mishandling of the Ark.

"We've got the Democratic National Convention coming up," liberal strategist Chris Lehane complained. "We've got the 9-11 report. And suddenly, just at this moment, we have all this buzz and bother about what Sandy Berger might or might not have stolen from an ultra-secret warehouse. This is nothing but a well-orchestrated leak intended to distract us away from more important news, and focus us on trivialities, like the legendary repository of the Ten Commandments being missing."

"So they claim it's a Holy Weapon of God Himself. Big deal," Lehane continued. "You know what else are a Holy Weapons of God Himself? Campaign finance reform. Free health care for seniors. Civil unions. But I don't hear anyone talking about those issues."

Ark_In_Battle.png
Israelite WMD: An artist's conception of the Ark in action.

New York Times columnist Paul Krugman was quick to amplify the charge. "We've constructed numerous copies of the Ark during our seventy years of researching its supernatural powers," Krugman notes in his latest column, Raiders of the Lost Democracy. "So Sandy Berger took the original. We still have duplicates. Now, maybe those duplicates don't possess quote-unquote 'the Holy Might of God Himself' or quote-unquote 'Raw Supernatural Power Equivalent to a Hydrogen Bomb,' but they're still available for inspection by the 9-11 commission."

The national media was quick to accept this interpretation, until another question was raised: Where are the two Sankara stones recovered by the American military from a crocodile-infested river in India in the mid-1950's?

Mr. Berger claimed he had no recollection of taking those mystical relics, but he allowed that sometimes he stuffs large magical rocks into his trousers, "because [he] likes the cooling feel of stone on [his] balls."

"If you've ever seen my hot, sweaty, stinky balls, you'd understand that," Mr. Berger explained.

Chris Lehane personally vouched for the truthfulness of Berger's claim. "Sandy's balls are notoriously hot and fetid," he attested. "You go into his shorts, and it's like you're in rabbit-hutch during a midsummer rutting."

In related news, the FBI is probing a suspicious "gift" given by Sandy Berger to presidential candidate John Kerry in June.

The gift was reportedly a Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie Oven, apparently of a limited-edition variety, crafted entirely of gold and lapis-lazuli and with ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics and kneeling golden cherubs/eagles upon its lid.

ark.jpg
An FBI sketch of John Kerry's new rotisserie, based on witness descriptions.

Mr. Kerry has promised to present this rotisserie to the FBI for their inspection, but only after he's finished "cleaning" the oven. Mr. Kerry says that if he learned one lesson in Vietnam, "it's to never present the FBI with a dirty rotisserie."

He believes he'll have finished cleaning the insides of the oven sometime after November 2.

Update: SenatorPhilABuster has a scoop of his own on this score. It turns out that former president Clinton said that he was "laughing" about the Twice-Lost Ark:

"I remember the time I stopped by Sandy's office and he had the Holy Grail right there on the end of his desk. The next day, it was gone. I asked him what happened and he said that somewhere between his intensive preparations to capture Osama bin Laden and his crafting of a memo to ensure that our ports would be made more secure he had somehow managed to lose the sacred relic. We just laughed and laughed and laughed. That's just Sandy!"

Indeed.


posted by Ace at 04:44 PM