Support.
Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!
Contact
Top Headlines
Elric the Blade says he's no longer sure that Trump will have the right to appeal in the NY fraud case:
Yesterday, I thought that Trump had an appeal as of right on the fraud liability, based upon news reports that cited the second opinion as declining to find in favor of liability. That would give Trump at least 2 dissenting judges for an appeal as of right.
But now, after seeing the actual decisions, I'm not so sure. Sorry, guys. I've never seen or heard of what the second opinion did. They dissented, but ... decided not to dissent? I'm not sure what the effect is in terms of whether Trump has a right to appeal. I doubt anyone does.
I think even if Trump doesn't have a right of appeal, the Court of Appeals (NY's highest court) will take the case. But ... it's a liberal court so who knows how they'll rule. I have the docket number so I can track what gets appealed to the Court of Appeals. If Trump wants to appeal, I think he might file an appeal as of right and a petition for permission to appeal. His lawyers know this case much better than I, but even they might know what the effect of all the opinions are.
I don't think they'll take the appeal. Judges are lazy and cowardly and will duck any hot potato case they can. These judges are also liberal hacks, and do not want to deliver Trump a full victory.
FBI raids home of John Bolton, former Trump national security advisor "The probe is eyeing multiple instances of the use of classified documents in leaks to news media. NBC reported that the investigation into Bolton began during the Biden administration, but did not go further before President Joe Biden left office in January." [CBD]
Money Wired to Mexico Hits a Decade Low as US Immigration Policies Take Hold
Now bump the fee to 10%, and mandate proof of legal residence for all money transfers out of the United States [CBD]
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: Boots on the ground in Ukraine? We're against it! Trump shines a light on voting, Miss Universe wearing a suicide vest? And more!
"As the discussion continued, Fox News host Charlie Hurt asked Trump directly to confirm there will be no U.S. troops involved in this potential security umbrella for Ukraine. "Well, you have my assurance, and I'm president," Trump replied."
Good! I hope I am wrong! [CBD]
Lost Seventies Mystery Click: The Darkest Song Ever Recorded?
I think Professor of Rock (on YouTube) claimed this song was so upsetting that people used to pull over to the side of the road when it came on the radio. It's about a fatal plane crash, but obviously it suggests a fatal car crash too, which could wig out a driver.
It's like one of those nasty 70s anti-war body horror movies. Not for the squeamish. I'm not even going to post the lyrics because they're upsetting too.
Compilation of Naked Gun intros
That theme gets me charged.
Compilation of all Police Squad! openings. They're all the same except for the last few seconds where they reveal the Special Guest Star and the title(s).
Pitch Meeting: Amazon's new, terrible War of the Worlds
I don't know why these tech monopolists spend so much money on ripoff/sequel/remake slop. I like popcorn entertainment but is it legally required to be terrible?
Lost 90s Mystery Click: College Radio Edition
Well you look fantastic in your cast-off casket
At least the thing still runs
This nine to five bullshit don't let you forget
Whose suicide you're on.

Also:
You wax poetic about things pathetic
As long as you look so cute
Believe these hills are starting to roll
Believe these stars are starting to shoot
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: In the last Episode of the season CBD and J.J. Sefton chat about Texas Gerrymandering, The Islamist who is about to be the mayor of NYC, Jim Acosta's ghoulish interview, Israel needs a new strategy for Gaza, and more!
Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Garrett's Favorite Band Edition
Everybody wants you
Everybody wants your love
I'd just like to make you mine, all mine
I'm frankly surprised the title is 107 Days. I would have thought it would be:

Days Are Important: The Amount of Days Was a Number and That Number Was 100 Plus 7 Which is 107. 107. One Hundred and Seven. It's a Memoir and Memoirs are About Remembering Things Because Remembering Things is Good. Not Bad. Good. Memoir. A Memoir. Like a Reservoir But With Memory. We Have to Let it Flow. We Have to Let It Flow Into the Reservoir of Our Mind and Our Heart. Our Heart Which is the Beating Heart of Not Just Our Blood, But Our Progress. And Our People. And Democracy. The End.

Posted by: ...
Recent Entries
You can think about the future riding on Amtrak in California
The Classical Saturday Coffee Break & Prayer Revival
Daily Tech News 23 August 2025
In The Hall Of The Mountain Meme
Booby Attack Cafe
The Week In Woke
Healthzzz and Sciencezzz (and GAINZZZ)
Variety: Disney Seeks Original IP Which Will Appeal to Young Men
Biden Spokesman Ian Sams Insited to the Public That Biden Was Healthy and Mentally Sharp.
Then He Admited He Had Only Interacted With Biden Twice in Two Years.

DOJ Prosecutors Secured Evidence Proving That James Comey Violated the Espionage Act by Illegally Disseminating Classified Information to Non-Authorized Persons But, Get This, Decided Not to Prosecute
Recent Comments
>>">IrishEi: "SecDef Hegseth has brought back the Mexican Border ..." [view]

no one of any consequence: "Philosophy has already proved the existence of God ..." [view]

Ace-Endorsed Author A.H. Lloyd: "Okay, time to get going. God be with you! ..." [view]

Its Go Time Donald: "the country went full Mao. Except under Ron DeSant ..." [view]

>>">IrishEi: "Every horse in this year's Kentucky Derby was a de ..." [view]

polynikes: ">Secretariat, also known as Big Red Magnificent ..." [view]

Wenda: "I'd like to add on to Fen's suggestion about writi ..." [view]

Don Black: "Lady in top photo is swooning ..." [view]

Don Black: "This is an interesting discussion. Thank you all f ..." [view]

Tom Servo: "“He was warned in the vision not to say too ..." [view]

Its Go Time Donald: "I’m not religious. I have no beef with anyon ..." [view]

vmom deport deport deport: "Oh I found them by googling his name and "convers ..." [view]

mindful webworker - holy moley: "[i]And for the ladies: handsome shirtless farmers& ..." [view]

JackStraw: ">>Secretariat, also known as Big Red Magnificen ..." [view]

Dr_No: "@ 14 [i]Chemistry question for the horde: if I put ..." [view]

Search


Bloggers in Arms

RI Red's Blog!
Behind The Black
CutJibNewsletter
The Pipeline
Second City Cop
Talk Of The Town with Steve Noxon
Belmont Club
Chicago Boyz
Cold Fury
Da Goddess
Daily Pundit
Dawn Eden
Day by Day (Cartoon)
EduWonk
Enter Stage Right
The Epoch Times
Grim's Hall
Victor Davis Hanson
Hugh Hewitt
IMAO
Instapundit
JihadWatch
Kausfiles
Lileks/The Bleat
Memeorandum (Metablog)
Outside the Beltway
Patterico's Pontifications
The People's Cube
Powerline
RedState
Reliapundit
Viking Pundit
WizBang
Faces From Ace's
The Rogues' Gallery.
Archives
Syndicate this site (XML)

Powered by
Movable Type 2.64

« Finally Somebody Said It | Main | Don't Expect the New York Times to Highlight This 9-11 Commission Finding »
July 22, 2004

Mystical Artifacts Removed From Top-Secret Government Warehouse

Sandy Berger Claims "Mishandling" of Ark of the Covenant "Entirely Inadvertent"

W A S H I N G T O N -- The location of the warehouse is one of the most closely-guarded secrets of the American government. Some say it is a former uranium mine situated somewhere in the Appallachians of West Virginia, 1200 feet beneath the surface of the earth. Others say it was originally a bomb-shelter constructed to house the all 535 Congressmen and their families in case of a nuclear attack on the US.

Wherever the warehouse is actually located, it is closely guarded by an elite team of US Marines deputized to the National Archives service.

And reports say that several of the warehouse's most important objects are missing. Former Clinton National Security Advisor Sandy Berger is being questioned by the FBI in connection with the lost treasures.

"Sandy Berger is cooperating fully with the FBI," his lawyer, Lanny Breuer, informed a credulous Washington press corps on Wednesday. "He is voluntarily answering questions, and he's been completely forthcoming and honest in detailing his actions inside the warehouse. He's very sorry that he made an error in judgment in inadvertently putting the lost Ark of the Covenant into his shorts and then leaving with it."

The Ark of the Covenant is reportedly two cubits high, 2.5 cubits long, and 1.5 cubits in breadth. It is said to weigh approximately 400 pounds.

"I mishandled the lost Ark of the Covenant," Berger himself has admitted to authorities. "I'm a very sloppy guy. If you saw my desk, you'd understand I'm just forever accidentally slipping powerfully-magical lost Israelite relics into my socks and my trousers. One time I accidentally took the Dead Sea Scrolls with me on a vacation in Nantucket. It's an understandable enough mistake, and I hope to resolve this issue quietly and as soon as possible."

While the Washington press corps was more than eager to accept this explanation as plausible, several questions remain. Most importantly: Where, exactly, is the Ark of the Covenant at the moment?

Mr. Berger could offer no satisfactory answers. "I'm not sure where the Ark is right now," he has said through his lawyer. "I think I might have accidentally discarded it somewhere. Again, if you saw how messy my house was, you would understand how very innocent all of this is. On one occasion, I accidentally used the only known true copy of the Egyptian Book of the Dead to light a barbecue fire. I tell you-- sometimes I swear I'd forget my own head if it weren't stuffed so snuggly up my ass."

Democrats and their cheering section in the media were quick to point fingers at Republicans for the "suspicious timing" of the leak about Berger's mishandling of the Ark.

"We've got the Democratic National Convention coming up," liberal strategist Chris Lehane complained. "We've got the 9-11 report. And suddenly, just at this moment, we have all this buzz and bother about what Sandy Berger might or might not have stolen from an ultra-secret warehouse. This is nothing but a well-orchestrated leak intended to distract us away from more important news, and focus us on trivialities, like the legendary repository of the Ten Commandments being missing."

"So they claim it's a Holy Weapon of God Himself. Big deal," Lehane continued. "You know what else are a Holy Weapons of God Himself? Campaign finance reform. Free health care for seniors. Civil unions. But I don't hear anyone talking about those issues."

Ark_In_Battle.png
Israelite WMD: An artist's conception of the Ark in action.

New York Times columnist Paul Krugman was quick to amplify the charge. "We've constructed numerous copies of the Ark during our seventy years of researching its supernatural powers," Krugman notes in his latest column, Raiders of the Lost Democracy. "So Sandy Berger took the original. We still have duplicates. Now, maybe those duplicates don't possess quote-unquote 'the Holy Might of God Himself' or quote-unquote 'Raw Supernatural Power Equivalent to a Hydrogen Bomb,' but they're still available for inspection by the 9-11 commission."

The national media was quick to accept this interpretation, until another question was raised: Where are the two Sankara stones recovered by the American military from a crocodile-infested river in India in the mid-1950's?

Mr. Berger claimed he had no recollection of taking those mystical relics, but he allowed that sometimes he stuffs large magical rocks into his trousers, "because [he] likes the cooling feel of stone on [his] balls."

"If you've ever seen my hot, sweaty, stinky balls, you'd understand that," Mr. Berger explained.

Chris Lehane personally vouched for the truthfulness of Berger's claim. "Sandy's balls are notoriously hot and fetid," he attested. "You go into his shorts, and it's like you're in rabbit-hutch during a midsummer rutting."

In related news, the FBI is probing a suspicious "gift" given by Sandy Berger to presidential candidate John Kerry in June.

The gift was reportedly a Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie Oven, apparently of a limited-edition variety, crafted entirely of gold and lapis-lazuli and with ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics and kneeling golden cherubs/eagles upon its lid.

ark.jpg
An FBI sketch of John Kerry's new rotisserie, based on witness descriptions.

Mr. Kerry has promised to present this rotisserie to the FBI for their inspection, but only after he's finished "cleaning" the oven. Mr. Kerry says that if he learned one lesson in Vietnam, "it's to never present the FBI with a dirty rotisserie."

He believes he'll have finished cleaning the insides of the oven sometime after November 2.

Update: SenatorPhilABuster has a scoop of his own on this score. It turns out that former president Clinton said that he was "laughing" about the Twice-Lost Ark:

"I remember the time I stopped by Sandy's office and he had the Holy Grail right there on the end of his desk. The next day, it was gone. I asked him what happened and he said that somewhere between his intensive preparations to capture Osama bin Laden and his crafting of a memo to ensure that our ports would be made more secure he had somehow managed to lose the sacred relic. We just laughed and laughed and laughed. That's just Sandy!"

Indeed.


posted by Ace at 04:44 PM