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Finally Somebody Said It | Main | Don't Expect the New York Times to Highlight This 9-11 Commission Finding
July 22, 2004

Mystical Artifacts Removed From Top-Secret Government Warehouse

Sandy Berger Claims "Mishandling" of Ark of the Covenant "Entirely Inadvertent"

W A S H I N G T O N -- The location of the warehouse is one of the most closely-guarded secrets of the American government. Some say it is a former uranium mine situated somewhere in the Appallachians of West Virginia, 1200 feet beneath the surface of the earth. Others say it was originally a bomb-shelter constructed to house the all 535 Congressmen and their families in case of a nuclear attack on the US.

Wherever the warehouse is actually located, it is closely guarded by an elite team of US Marines deputized to the National Archives service.

And reports say that several of the warehouse's most important objects are missing. Former Clinton National Security Advisor Sandy Berger is being questioned by the FBI in connection with the lost treasures.

"Sandy Berger is cooperating fully with the FBI," his lawyer, Lanny Breuer, informed a credulous Washington press corps on Wednesday. "He is voluntarily answering questions, and he's been completely forthcoming and honest in detailing his actions inside the warehouse. He's very sorry that he made an error in judgment in inadvertently putting the lost Ark of the Covenant into his shorts and then leaving with it."

The Ark of the Covenant is reportedly two cubits high, 2.5 cubits long, and 1.5 cubits in breadth. It is said to weigh approximately 400 pounds.

"I mishandled the lost Ark of the Covenant," Berger himself has admitted to authorities. "I'm a very sloppy guy. If you saw my desk, you'd understand I'm just forever accidentally slipping powerfully-magical lost Israelite relics into my socks and my trousers. One time I accidentally took the Dead Sea Scrolls with me on a vacation in Nantucket. It's an understandable enough mistake, and I hope to resolve this issue quietly and as soon as possible."

While the Washington press corps was more than eager to accept this explanation as plausible, several questions remain. Most importantly: Where, exactly, is the Ark of the Covenant at the moment?

Mr. Berger could offer no satisfactory answers. "I'm not sure where the Ark is right now," he has said through his lawyer. "I think I might have accidentally discarded it somewhere. Again, if you saw how messy my house was, you would understand how very innocent all of this is. On one occasion, I accidentally used the only known true copy of the Egyptian Book of the Dead to light a barbecue fire. I tell you-- sometimes I swear I'd forget my own head if it weren't stuffed so snuggly up my ass."

Democrats and their cheering section in the media were quick to point fingers at Republicans for the "suspicious timing" of the leak about Berger's mishandling of the Ark.

"We've got the Democratic National Convention coming up," liberal strategist Chris Lehane complained. "We've got the 9-11 report. And suddenly, just at this moment, we have all this buzz and bother about what Sandy Berger might or might not have stolen from an ultra-secret warehouse. This is nothing but a well-orchestrated leak intended to distract us away from more important news, and focus us on trivialities, like the legendary repository of the Ten Commandments being missing."

"So they claim it's a Holy Weapon of God Himself. Big deal," Lehane continued. "You know what else are a Holy Weapons of God Himself? Campaign finance reform. Free health care for seniors. Civil unions. But I don't hear anyone talking about those issues."

Israelite WMD: An artist's conception of the Ark in action.

New York Times columnist Paul Krugman was quick to amplify the charge. "We've constructed numerous copies of the Ark during our seventy years of researching its supernatural powers," Krugman notes in his latest column, Raiders of the Lost Democracy. "So Sandy Berger took the original. We still have duplicates. Now, maybe those duplicates don't possess quote-unquote 'the Holy Might of God Himself' or quote-unquote 'Raw Supernatural Power Equivalent to a Hydrogen Bomb,' but they're still available for inspection by the 9-11 commission."

The national media was quick to accept this interpretation, until another question was raised: Where are the two Sankara stones recovered by the American military from a crocodile-infested river in India in the mid-1950's?

Mr. Berger claimed he had no recollection of taking those mystical relics, but he allowed that sometimes he stuffs large magical rocks into his trousers, "because [he] likes the cooling feel of stone on [his] balls."

"If you've ever seen my hot, sweaty, stinky balls, you'd understand that," Mr. Berger explained.

Chris Lehane personally vouched for the truthfulness of Berger's claim. "Sandy's balls are notoriously hot and fetid," he attested. "You go into his shorts, and it's like you're in rabbit-hutch during a midsummer rutting."

In related news, the FBI is probing a suspicious "gift" given by Sandy Berger to presidential candidate John Kerry in June.

The gift was reportedly a Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie Oven, apparently of a limited-edition variety, crafted entirely of gold and lapis-lazuli and with ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics and kneeling golden cherubs/eagles upon its lid.

An FBI sketch of John Kerry's new rotisserie, based on witness descriptions.

Mr. Kerry has promised to present this rotisserie to the FBI for their inspection, but only after he's finished "cleaning" the oven. Mr. Kerry says that if he learned one lesson in Vietnam, "it's to never present the FBI with a dirty rotisserie."

He believes he'll have finished cleaning the insides of the oven sometime after November 2.

Update: SenatorPhilABuster has a scoop of his own on this score. It turns out that former president Clinton said that he was "laughing" about the Twice-Lost Ark:

"I remember the time I stopped by Sandy's office and he had the Holy Grail right there on the end of his desk. The next day, it was gone. I asked him what happened and he said that somewhere between his intensive preparations to capture Osama bin Laden and his crafting of a memo to ensure that our ports would be made more secure he had somehow managed to lose the sacred relic. We just laughed and laughed and laughed. That's just Sandy!"


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