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June 18, 2007
Self-Test: Do you have "teh ghey"?Recently there has been an epidemic of "teh gheyness" on the Right side of the blogosphere. Why, thanks to the interventionist postings of a number of prominent lefty bloggers, such luminaries of the dextrosphere like Instapundit, Jonah Goldberg, Victor Davis Hanson and even our own Ace of Spades have been "outed" as alleged deeply closeted homosexuals. This is truly a tragic state of affairs for all of us on the Right. Because if there is one thing that all these Right-of-center bloggers have in common, besides their general political opposition to the modern Left, it's that they had no idea of their sexual orientation until these Lefty bloggers defined it for them. Think of all the time, emotion, and money that these poor men wasted going on dates, happily marrying members of the opposite sex, and in some cases producing children, because they simply didn't know they were carrying "teh gheyness". Why, had they only known, they could have updated their wardrobes and furnished their urban loft with those fabulous throw cushions instead. Well, we here at Ace of Spades HQ don't want to see this tragedy repeat itself. So we have developed this patented self-test so that you can, in the privacy of your own home, determine if your conservatism is a result of your deeply repressed homosexual desires or not. Think of it as a way to "out" yourself before those caring and tolerant voices on the Left do it for you. Remember, kids, the key to the tests accuracy relies on you answering the questions honestly. By cheating on the test, you are only cheating on yourself. Do you have "the ghey"? Find out after the jump. 1. The first section you read in your daily newspaper is: A) The USA Today Sports page to see if your team won, 2. The shortest period of time you have ever been employed is: A) 23 years at U.S. Steel 3. The use of "sockpuppetry" as a way to support your online arguments is: A) Pretty freakin' lame. 4. Fox News is televising "When Pundits Go Wild" featuring a mud wrestling competition between Michelle Malkin and Laura Ingraham as the main event. Your reaction to this news is: A) I may have one of those 4 hour erections the TV ads warn about. 5. When Brokeback Mountain was released you: A) Went to see it with Allahpundit and Karol. 6. When you see Sen. Joe Lieberman discuss terrorism on "Meet the Press" you think: A) Wow..he sounds a lot like a Republican. 7. You are trying to decide which GOP candidate to support for President. You choose: A) Fred Thompson, because you've heard a lot of cool facts about him. 8. You are trying to decide which Democrat to support for President. You choose: A) Hillary Clinton because she's inevitable. 9. Word Association Time: What's the first thing you think when you hear the words "Barack Obama"? A) There hasn't been a "Barry" worth voting for since Goldwater. 10. You learn that a piece of legislation you have invested a lot of time in has been defeated in Congress. The appropriate response is: A) To make a dignified speech expressing your disappointment. 11. Your best friend has dropped by unannounced to tell you he has "come out of the closet". You respond by: A) Mercilessly teasing him about gladiator movies. 12. When commenting on Conservative weblogs, you do so under the name: A) Bart. 13. You are proud of having had your writings quoted in the Senate by: A) Rock-ribbed conservative Jeff Sessions. 14. Which of these poses the greatest threat to America: A) Islamic Terrorism 15. Word Association: I say "Stonewall", you think: A) A legendary Civil War General 16. You are invited to attend a "gay marriage" in Massachusetts. You respond by: A) Writing "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" on the RSVP card 17. Word Association: I say "Oliver Willis", you think: A) Who? 18. Since you reached legal voting age, you have supported Democratic Nominees for President: A) Never 19. The Best Political Slogan ever written is: A) "It's Morning in America" 20. When Jim Webb wrote about a fictional encounter in which a father flipped his young son "upside down" and "put his penis in his mouth", you reacted: A) With disgust.
To find out whether you have "teh ghey", simply add up the number of A, B, and C answers you selected. Whichever letter you have selected the most is your personality type. Type A Personalities: You are staight as an arrow, and so flamingly heterosexual even James Bond envies the copious amounts of high quality tail you pull. Your favorite blogs are Instapundit, Hot Air and Ace of Spades. The public figure you most resemble is Fred Thompson. Type B Personalities: You are, at best, a little bi-curious. You are actually relatively androgynous, and if you engage in sexual activities at all it is likely of the asexual variety. In fact, you probably reproduce by budding. Your favorite blogger is Bill Schulz at the Daily Gut. The public figure you most resemble is Lindsay Graham. Type C Personalities: You are 100% infected with "teh ghey". You consider "you go girl!" to be a politically charged call to action, and you can often be found issuing "Pretty Vicious Rants" and "Important Action Alerts" from a Dupont Circle Starbucks. Your favorite blogs are Firedoglake and Pandagon, and your favorite blogger is Glenn Greenwald. The public figure you most resemble is Andrew Sullivan.
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