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« Kudos To British Police | Main | Demagoguery as Sales Technique »
June 18, 2007

Self-Test: Do you have "teh ghey"?

Recently there has been an epidemic of "teh gheyness" on the Right side of the blogosphere. Why, thanks to the interventionist postings of a number of prominent lefty bloggers, such luminaries of the dextrosphere like Instapundit, Jonah Goldberg, Victor Davis Hanson and even our own Ace of Spades have been "outed" as alleged deeply closeted homosexuals.

This is truly a tragic state of affairs for all of us on the Right. Because if there is one thing that all these Right-of-center bloggers have in common, besides their general political opposition to the modern Left, it's that they had no idea of their sexual orientation until these Lefty bloggers defined it for them.

Think of all the time, emotion, and money that these poor men wasted going on dates, happily marrying members of the opposite sex, and in some cases producing children, because they simply didn't know they were carrying "teh gheyness". Why, had they only known, they could have updated their wardrobes and furnished their urban loft with those fabulous throw cushions instead.

Well, we here at Ace of Spades HQ don't want to see this tragedy repeat itself. So we have developed this patented self-test so that you can, in the privacy of your own home, determine if your conservatism is a result of your deeply repressed homosexual desires or not. Think of it as a way to "out" yourself before those caring and tolerant voices on the Left do it for you.

Remember, kids, the key to the tests accuracy relies on you answering the questions honestly. By cheating on the test, you are only cheating on yourself.

Do you have "the ghey"? Find out after the jump.


1. The first section you read in your daily newspaper is:

A) The USA Today Sports page to see if your team won,
B) The New York Times Editorial Page to see what will be the topic of water cooler talk today,
C) The Village Voice's Personals Section to see if your ad is still running.

2. The shortest period of time you have ever been employed is:

A) 23 years at U.S. Steel
B) 10 years as a Flight Attendant for Delta
C) 48 hours as John Edwards' Official Campaign Blogger

3. The use of "sockpuppetry" as a way to support your online arguments is:

A) Pretty freakin' lame.
B) OK, if you do it in an ironic fashion.
C) A sophisticated and nuanced form of intellectual argumentation. Good day, sir.

4. Fox News is televising "When Pundits Go Wild" featuring a mud wrestling competition between Michelle Malkin and Laura Ingraham as the main event. Your reaction to this news is:

A) I may have one of those 4 hour erections the TV ads warn about.
B) I'm really not sure if this is appropriate for a News Channel.
C) This would be so much hotter if it involved Eleanor Clift and Margaret Carlson.

5. When Brokeback Mountain was released you:

A) Went to see it with Allahpundit and Karol.
B) Waited for the DVD edition in the hopes of getting bonus footage.
C) Took it as a personal insult when it failed to win an Oscar for "Best Picture".

6. When you see Sen. Joe Lieberman discuss terrorism on "Meet the Press" you think:

A) Wow..he sounds a lot like a Republican.
B) He would make a good Secretary of State.
C) How can I rebut that argument? I've got it! I'll put him in blackface!

7. You are trying to decide which GOP candidate to support for President. You choose:

A) Fred Thompson, because you've heard a lot of cool facts about him.
B) John McCain, because he's a media anointed maverick.
C) All Rethuglikkkans are closeted queers.

8. You are trying to decide which Democrat to support for President. You choose:

A) Hillary Clinton because she's inevitable.
B) Barack Obama because he's a fresh face.
C) John Edwards because he's pretty...oh, so pretty...he's so pretty and witty and bright!

9. Word Association Time: What's the first thing you think when you hear the words "Barack Obama"?

A) There hasn't been a "Barry" worth voting for since Goldwater.
B) He and his wife make a charming couple with nice smiles.
C) I'll be in my bunk.

10. You learn that a piece of legislation you have invested a lot of time in has been defeated in Congress. The appropriate response is:

A) To make a dignified speech expressing your disappointment.
B) To throw a hissy-fit on the floor of the Senate accusing your opponents of bigotry.
C) Your boyfriend is running a male prostitution ring out of your house, and you don't have time to worry about little things like passing your legislation.

11. Your best friend has dropped by unannounced to tell you he has "come out of the closet". You respond by:

A) Mercilessly teasing him about gladiator movies.
B) Asking him if everything is ok, and if his parents know.
C) Dimming the lights, turning on Moby, and asking him if he'd like a little more guidance on his personal journey.

12. When commenting on Conservative weblogs, you do so under the name:

A) Bart.
B) Che Che.
C) The Daily Dishee.

13. You are proud of having had your writings quoted in the Senate by:

A) Rock-ribbed conservative Jeff Sessions.
B) Androgynous squish Lindsay Graham.
C) Ultra-liberal Russ Feingold.

14. Which of these poses the greatest threat to America:

A) Islamic Terrorism
B) The firing of 8 U.S. Attorneys
C) The influence of Talk Radio.

15. Word Association: I say "Stonewall", you think:

A) A legendary Civil War General
B) To delay an investigation
C) Scene of the greatest civil rights victory since Rosa Parks sat in the front of the bus.

16. You are invited to attend a "gay marriage" in Massachusetts. You respond by:

A) Writing "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" on the RSVP card
B) Wondering whether Andrew Sullivan is finally practicing what he preaches
C) Deciding to support Ron Paul, the only true conservative in America.

17. Word Association: I say "Oliver Willis", you think:

A) Who?
B) Who?
C) Damn that guy writes some awesomely homoerotic Superman fan-fiction!

18. Since you reached legal voting age, you have supported Democratic Nominees for President:

A) Never
B) Once...it was the 1970's and I was experimenting.
C) Every four years.

19. The Best Political Slogan ever written is:

A) "It's Morning in America"
B) "I Like Ike"
C) "A New Direction"...because if you say it fast it makes you horny.

20. When Jim Webb wrote about a fictional encounter in which a father flipped his young son "upside down" and "put his penis in his mouth", you reacted:

A) With disgust.
B) You didn't care.
C) By bemoaning the fact your father didn't love you enough to do the same thing.


SCORE YOUR TEST:

To find out whether you have "teh ghey", simply add up the number of A, B, and C answers you selected. Whichever letter you have selected the most is your personality type.

Type A Personalities: You are staight as an arrow, and so flamingly heterosexual even James Bond envies the copious amounts of high quality tail you pull. Your favorite blogs are Instapundit, Hot Air and Ace of Spades. The public figure you most resemble is Fred Thompson.

Type B Personalities: You are, at best, a little bi-curious. You are actually relatively androgynous, and if you engage in sexual activities at all it is likely of the asexual variety. In fact, you probably reproduce by budding. Your favorite blogger is Bill Schulz at the Daily Gut. The public figure you most resemble is Lindsay Graham.

Type C Personalities: You are 100% infected with "teh ghey". You consider "you go girl!" to be a politically charged call to action, and you can often be found issuing "Pretty Vicious Rants" and "Important Action Alerts" from a Dupont Circle Starbucks. Your favorite blogs are Firedoglake and Pandagon, and your favorite blogger is Glenn Greenwald. The public figure you most resemble is Andrew Sullivan.


I hope you learned a little something about yourselves today. If the news was good, congrats! If the news came to you as a surprise, well at least you heard it from a fakey internet friend.

digg this
posted by Jack M. at 12:11 PM

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