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July 31, 2012

Guy Assaults Girlfreind, Smashes Computer, Because He Thinks She's Stepping Out With... Mitt Romney

turpin-150x150.jpg
Placed 6,567,938,229th in Genetic Lottery.
Won $0.25 towards the purchase of his next scratch-off.

It just feels malicious to even make fun of this unfortunate man. So, let's get right into it.

He suspected his live-in girlfriend of planning to have an affair. His suspicions were all but confirmed when he saw a man whose face he did not recognize on her FaceBook page.

That man? An internet lothario going by the screennames MagicUnderwear69 and TheRealChristianGrey.

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Her Mystery Lover Vowed: "I will transport you to a world
of sexual ecstasy and sustainable fiscal policy"

When the woman informed her understandably enraged boyfriend/abuser that this was just presidential candidate Mitt Romney, he was unmollified, and smashed her computer and, she says, hit him.

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"I will make you my Pleasure Whore,
and add you to my Erotic Stable of Passion,
as I did to these rentboys you see behind me."

The man is charged with one count of living in Tennessee, even though he is clearly a Florida resident.


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posted by Ace at 01:36 PM

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