In Defense of Paris Hilton

I see that my friend Ace has decided to join the uncooth miscreants in the peanut gallery of public opinion who are gleefully celebrating your recent legal travails.

Clearly Ace, like Allah before him, has joined those who seek only to destroy that which is beautiful in this world. Whereas you spread light in your wake, Paris, these buffoons spread only darkness. Sweaty, desperate, basement dwelling, beta-male, darkness.

Let me be the first to condemn his decision. How anyone could take pleasure in watching the very public humiliation of a young woman who has brought so much pleasure and so much style into the lives of so many people boggles my mind.

Where would we be as a society, Paris, if we didn't have you around to let us know what was "hot"? I'll tell you where: up shit creek without a Gucci paddle.

Where would we be as a culture, Paris, if we didn't have the weekly reinforcement of basic moral values provided with each episode of "The Simple Life"? Parents all over the country raise their children by watching your show and instructing their children to "do the opposite". You are "America's Mother", and your moral authority is absolute.

Paris, when you were being humiliated by Sarah Silverman at the MTV Awards, I wanted to swoop down and throw my arms around you in a protective embrace. Ultimately, your class and composure shined through though, to your great credit. You displayed that famous "Paris Hilton Toughness" that has helped propel you to the top of American Pop Culture.

A lesser woman, like, say, Nicole Richie, would have wilted under the spotlight of such public derision. You perservered though, and provided an inspiration to all of us, who, like you, are victimized by society simply because we are incredibly attractive and/or extremely wealthy. Paris, you are our martyr. Your struggle is our struggle. Our strength is your strength.

So to the naysayers and to the detractors, I say "get a life". Don't you have better things to do than relentlessy mock a woman who has already been victimized by the publication of the worst night-vision filmed sex-tape of all time? Does all the money in the world excuse her virtual rape at the hands of your misogynistic eyes?

And yes, I know the whole hands/eyes thing makes little sense. But now you know how I feel in trying to understand the pride and satisfaction that complete strangers are taking in seeing Miss Hilton fail. I mean, has Ace ever met you? No. Does he know you as a person? No. And yet he feels free to write that you are:

a drunken, entitled, useless, self-obsessed shameless spoiled-rotten snatch-flashing little piece of attention-whoring gold-plated trailer-park cooze-lint.

How dare he compare you to Lindsey Lohan! That, my dear, dear Paris, is perhaps the worst indignity of them all.

So, Paris, stay strong. 45 days is not that long. You have friends and complete internet strangers on the outside who care for you and who are here for you. 24/7/365. Should you find that you need a friendly ear, or perhaps some help getting readjusted to "freedom" after your release, my e-mail is jackmtips@gmail.com and you should feel free to write.

And I'm not just saying this because you are filthy, stinking, outrageously, rich. I'm reaching out because I care.

I'm your liferaft in a sea of haters, Paris. I hope you'll come aboard.

posted by Jack M. at 12:59 AM

| Access Comments