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December 30, 2004

For Senator PhilABuster: Johnny Coldcuts


Photo credit: From Enjoy Every Sandwich, who isn't even using the pic anymore, which I think is a crime.

Well, Johnny Coldcuts isn't really on my top ten, but a couple of readers seem to like him, so I'll throw him in here as a bonus.

I made up this "character," if Johnny can be so elevated to be called a character, in this post, introducing him as a foul-mothed, time-travelling baloney sandwhich.

I didn't put much stock in Johnny's prognostications, as his memories of his visits to the future were often clouded by substance abuse and/or simple stupidity. But, amazingly enough, on June 8, 2004, he emphatically predicted a Red Sox World Series sweep. I didn't put any money on that, but anyone who did must have made a fortune.

Johnny, Geoffrey the Duck, and Simon Cowell later evaluated haikus submitted by readers (and Andrew Sullivan, Josh Marshall, and Oliver Willis) for "American Haiku." Contains Johnny's all-time best (and dirtiest) put-down.

Ripping off an old National Lampoon bit, I threatened to kill Johnny unless people donated to me, which, unbelievably enough, they did.

Here Susan Sarandon consoled Johnny as he waited on death row.

Ultimately, the Supreme Court ordered Johnny freed.



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posted by Ace at 03:40 PM

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