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November 11, 2004

Let's Be Honest: You're All Retards, and Retards Love Applebee's

This is just getting silly now. I swear to you this is not a made-up news-parody piece.

The Democrats think the key to persuading Red State voters to like them is to start eating at Applebee's. See, Red Staters eat at Applebee's, whereas liberals eat at... I don't know. Not-Applebee's, I guess. Some sort of so-called "upscale," "classy" restaurant that only enlightened liberals know about.

Maybe the Olive Garden.


One veteran Democratic strategist, Clinton White House political director Doug Sosnik, sums up the answer in one word: Applebee’s.

For Sosnik, the chain of modestly priced restaurants (more than 1,600 in 49 states), symbolizes precisely what is wrong with the party’s Washington-based elite.

Democratic leaders are out of touch with the American people, Sosnik said in a panel discussion Tuesday sponsored by the centrist Democratic Leadership Council (DLC).

“The leadership of our party has a cultural disconnect,” Sosnik said. “Our leaders — particularly Washington, D.C.-based — don’t really have the same life, day to day, as all those people out there in those red states. We don’t eat at the same restaurants. I don’t know how many politicians in town that are leaders of our party who voluntarily go to Applebee’s, unless it’s for work. You look at the swing voters out there, what their sporting events are, the music they listen to, the celebrities, the television programs, it’s just not what the East Coast leadership (watches) — it’s not quite where we are.”

"Talk about Applebee's, we don't even go to the Cracker Barrels and the Denny’s as well," added Donna Brazile, who served as Al Gore's campaign manager in 2000.

Ohhhh... so it's not all about Applebee's. It's also about Cracker Barrel and Denny's. What about Chi-Chi's? Whither TGIFriday's?

I've never eaten at Applebee's, but I'm guessing I'd like it well enough. But I'm pretty sure that my political and philosophical stance has little to do with my feelings about Applebee's "Triple Chocolate Meltdown."

Yeah, it looks kinda good, but really, isn't it just a Bennigan's Death by Chocolate with a different name? I mean, who's zoomin' who?

I'm a single issue voter, and that single issue is the War on Terror. I will vote for whoever promises to most vigorously and, quite frankly, violently prosecute the war on terrorist killers. Given that, is it really very likely that I'll switch votes just because a liberal candidate enjoys some of Applebee's "legendary" Riblets?

Again, they look just absolutely delightful. I like ribs, so why wouldn't I like "riblets"? But honestly, my problem with John Kerry is that he refused to give a coherent answer as to how he would handle Iraq, not that he didn't come with a side of barbeque sauce (and/or Applebee's Honey Barbeque Sauce-- your call, really. This is America after all).

There is a cultural disconnect between liberals and conservatives, but it's not just about our tastes and habits. True enough, liberals love the biscottis at Starbucks, and conservatives go ga-ga over Applebee's "Fajita Con Sizzle"--

-- as well we should. Can you blame us? You can get it with chicken, steak, or chicken and steak, and anyway you like it, it comes with a free side of Sizzle, no extra charge.

The Democrats have problems connecting with the American people. While it of course wouldn't hurt to run advertisements of candidates speaking on the issues, intercut with shots of delicious "Nachos Nuevos" --

-- the American people want to hear more about "pocketbook issues," like, I don't know, the possible selections from Applebee's Value Menu.

And that's just how I see it. I'm an intelligent and informed American citizen. I'm motivated by a complex range of political preferences, and I simply can't be stereotyped as someone who begins sprouting unruly erections whenever I catch a scent of the absolutely delicious "Me Queso, Su Queso" appetizer selection--

-- although, quite frankly, anyone who doesn't like Mi Queso Su Queso sounds like a G-damn communist subversive with his head up his ass. And yeah, I'm getting a little horny just thinking about it now.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I have to go out to church and pray to my God, and then I have to go to Applebee's, or, as I call it, "A Little Slice of Heaven on Earth, Smothered in Monterrey Jack Cheese."

Thanks to BrianG, who knows a good premise when he sees one.

Umm... Update: The Applebee's link just ended up offering me a $50 free gift certificate to Applebee's, supposedly.

Whoo-hoo! What a November I'm having!

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posted by Ace at 12:42 PM

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