Marriage: Life Advice For Morons By Morons [Warden]

Last week's post on dating advice yielded somewhere near 1,000 comments. I'd call that a success, so let's keep this series going.

Tonight's topic is marriage. Again, I'm not a guy who has all the answers--this is a jumping off point for the commenters. But I do have more than a decade of what I consider to be a very strong and healthy marriage under my belt, so I feel qualified to throw some advice out there for younger, unmarried Ace of Spades morons.

I'll start with choosing a spouse and work forward.

Pre-Marriage Advice

* My dad once told me that nothing will affect your long term happiness and well-being more than who you choose to marry. He's right. This is the person who you'll spend more time with than anyone on Earth. They can help make your life wonderful or turn it into a living hell. Chose wisely.

* Don't get too hung up on looks. Beauty fades at an astonishing pace. All you need, really, is someone you'd be happy to have sex with long term on a somewhat consistent basis.

* That rush of adrenaline and excitement that you feel when dating is going to fade over time. It's okay. It gets replaces with something less thrilling, but far deeper and more meaningful. A good spouse will become your rock--the person you trust and rely upon more than anyone else in the world.

*They say opposites attract. I say be careful on this matter. Some opposite personality traits complement each other. Others will cause never-ending strife.

*Compatible values matter. My advice to morons is to find a conservative and a traditionalist. Remember, you'll probably raise kids together and you definitely want to be on the same page as one another in their upbringing.

*Never marry anyone who can't control his or her spending. It will ruin you. And, unlike addicts who sometimes sober up, these kinds of people never seem to change.

*Before you get married, talk about EVERYTHING--money, religion, sex, where you want to live, how many kids you want, and the kind of life you imagine. There should be no surprises about where each person stands on these things and the time to hash out disagreements is before the vows are spoken.

As an example, I was not a Christian before I got married. My wife and I agreed that we'd raise our kids in the church, but she wouldn't nag me about my beliefs. It was a good compromise. I eventually converted. If she'd pushed me, I would not have and she recognized this about me.

*When planning your wedding, only invite people who you expect to be a part of your lives for the long haul. Expect at least one thing to go wrong--it will. And keep perspective about what this day is really about because you're not going to really remember much about the catering or floral arrangements and neither will anyone else.

After You're Married

*My father only gave me one piece of advice, but it was a good one: "Nothing is more important than your wife." My father-in-law said it in a different way: "Take good care of each other." This is what a healthy marriage ultimately boils down to.

* My wife has a saying of her own: "Be the person your spouse looks forward to coming home to." A happy marriage starts with you, not the other person. If you're ever struggling or having a rough spot in your marriage, review your own behavior. Are YOU the kind of person someone can't wait to see at the end of a hard day?

* Here's my own rule on arguments within relationships--the person who cares the most gets the win when the other person only cares a little. I stick to this even when I know the other person is wrong. If it isn't going to affect me much, then who cares? I'm not in the business of "winning" every conflict. It's bad practice.

*Speaking of which, never keep score in your relationships. It's poison. You're on the same team, not playing against each other.

*Home is where you build each other up. There's a whole world of people out there trying to tear you down. Make home a safe, positive environment for everyone in your family.

*Never speak disrespectfully of your spouse in public. It is a betrayal whether or not they're around to hear it. And besides, what does your laundry list of gripes about your spouse say about YOU? You married this person.

*Marriage can survive many things--addiction, money problems, poor health, even infidelity. What it cannot survive is contempt. Watch your thoughts and watch your tongue. Remember that you're full of your own flaws and faults before dwelling on those of your spouse.

*Women need to feel safe and loved. Men need to feel respected. Don't forget these things when dealing with your spouse.

*Some disagreements and personality clashes will never be reconciled. Learn to live with them and not think less of your spouse because of it.

*If you really want to understand what makes your spouse tick, have him/her take a Meyers Briggs personality test online. Take one yourself. When I did this, I was able to see that some things that drove me nuts about my wife were hard-wired into how she expresses her love.

*Politeness in everyday life is undervalued. Make your spouse feel appreciated for the everyday things they do for you and your family like the laundry or mowing the lawn.

*Apologize promptly when you mistreat your spouse. Speak plainly and calmly when they are mistreating you and be quick to forgive when they apologize.

*Many small, loving gestures add up to much more than grandiose gifts once or twice a year. Don't wait until Valentine's Day or anniversaries to show your love. Do it daily by bringing your spouse hot coffee, rubbing his or her feet, mentioning when he/she looks nice, etc...

Just last weekend, I was driving the family home from a weekend getaway when my wife looked at my dry hands, got our some lotion and started moisturizing them one at a time as I steered. She takes care of me in this way all of the time. I wouldn't have noticed or cared that my hands were dry, but I can tell you that it made me feel loved.

*Finally, I'll throw one out that I think I read in Laura Schlessinger's, The Proper Care and Feeding of a Marriage. One day a married couple were bickering with each other in a therapy session with her when she got fed up and said, "Stop! Just one question for each of you. When was the last time you made your wife feel like a woman? And you, when was the last time you made your husband feel like a man? Do that before you come in here pointing fingers at each other."

Personally, I think that's great advice.

posted by Open Blogger at 07:57 PM

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