CAC'S Bacon Review: The Breakfast Cupcake (LATE NIGHT Edition for good reason)

Art, schmart. You guys care about bacon, so I will deliver (art thread tomorrow for my fellow Volvo-driving morons).

This week, I traveled to a sacred place, My Delight CupCakery in Ontario, California. I made the mistake of coming here on their Event Saturday (complete with DJ, food trucks, and hundreds of patrons), so upon arrival I was greeted by a massive line that would take over an hour to slog through.
Dispirited? Are you kidding me?

WARNING. This review that follows is literally pure bacon-novelty porn. If bacon items had a Jordan Carver, this would be it. I use strong, very suggestive language in the following review, with lots of graphic images. If you want to avoid the embarrassment of your taste buds spooging (a phenomena that, I assure you, happens during consuming this product), I suggest you skip this. There is also video that some viewers may consider disturbing and my fiancée would consider extremely embarrassing. Enjoy, but don't say I didn't warn you. Graphic images below.

The half-hour drive and hour-long wait for my order paid off in spades.
Not only did they have the closest-thing-to-an-orgasm one can actually eat (the Breakfast Cupcake), they had it's so-delicious-it-is-automatically-evil children, the Chocolate Chip Breakfast Cupcake:

""Light and fluffy buttermilk cake, loaded with bits of applewood smoked bacon and mini chocolate chips, frosted with a light and buttery maple frosting, topped with a drizzle of rich chocolate ganache, then more bacon and maple syrup.""

and the Late Night Breakfast Cupcake (Chicken & Waffles):

"A buttermilk based cake with undertones of vanilla & cinnamon, stuffed with fried chicken that was marinated 24 hours in a buttermilk & spice mixture, topped with a light & buttery maple frosting, more fried chicken, and drizzled with our special blend of syrup."

Jamie Oliver would go Scanners if he came within five miles of this place. I consider that a bonus.

But back to the subject of this review, the original Breakfast Cupcake:

Winner of the 2010 LA Cupcake Challenge for Most Original, this isn't your sister's crappy excuse for a dessert she serves burnt and dry after a night of drinking.

You have to forgive my use of unreal words that will undoubtedly appear. Effects of consuming this item include hallucinations, involuntary orgasms, and a general feeling of "driving a monster truck through a Prius-and-Smart car parking lot" awesomeness. Imagine motorboating an angel while punching a hippie. That may come 2nd to the sensation you feel at first bite. The pancake batter, maple, and bacon mix in an uncomplobibiblicaliorgamagasticalic way. The bacon, oh God the bacon. Men have killed for less tasty meat. The maple syrup? More like maple blood. I can't even continue on the ingredients without reacting in a way more suited to seeing Christina Hendricks topless.

I had all three varieties of the Breakfast cupcake. Halfway through the first, I needed new pants. If you don't mind ruining a pair of good khakis, making involuntary moans of orgasmic joy, and possibly falling over in ecstasy, I seriously suggest you travel here. It is perhaps one of the few perks of living in the land of Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer. If you can resist the urge to eat a tray of these, bring a date along. Screw flowers, music and a bottle of wine. These cupcakes are the culinary equivalent of Spanish Fly (except this shit actually works and doesn't cost you $20 a hit).

Think I am overreacting?
Watch this (WARNING- Graphic Video of a Moron losing his shit over a cupcake):

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Sadly this is the only verifiable footage of an AoS moron. Fitting, isn't it?

If you have bacon item you think I need to review, send an email to theoneandonlyfinn(at)gmaildotcom.

Next week: Chocolate Bacon Candy.

posted by CAC at 11:24 PM

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