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June 11, 2010

Friday Financial Briefing

A combination of lies, malfeasance, subterfuge, confusion, incompetence, dirty dealing, fraud, abuse, thievery, thuggery, smarm, front running, shenanigans, droit de seigneur, and good old fashioned market manipulation drove the Dow Jones Industrial Average to a gain of nearly three percent yesterday. There might have been a teeny tiny little amount of good news in the mix. It's hard to tell.

The most urgent menace facing America today? Canadians. I only post this story as a service to the commonweal, not out of any personal animus towards these shameless, lying, thieving bastards! May you be tortured for eternity in some bland Canadian hell where people say, "Hey, is that the Canadian devil? What's up with that? He's only kind of evil, you know? The American devil is much eviller. And cooler-looking, and has a better car." (I take it back, Canada. I'm only lashing out from hurt. I still love you guys.)

That smell tainting the air is not, as I first thought, a burning tire-dump. It is, rather, the heady scent of reform!

The US Money Supply. Does not include subway tokens, lint-covered Jolly Ranchers, lead slugs, or photocopies of your ass with "$$$One Butthole$$$" written on it with a black Sharpie.

Liquidity seizure - a malady that Kaopectate won't help one little bit.

Bank Of Italy Says Interest Payments On Debt Subject To Great Uncertainty. Spokesmen for the bank later said that they were misquoted, and meant to say that they had no interest in paying their debts.

Rome (the big one in Italy, not the small one in New York state or the other small one in Georgia or the other other small one in Indiana) plans to implement a hotel tax. Bedbugs, cockroaches, and snotty front-desk clerks are still included in the base price, though. The various lesser Romes plan to adopt a wait-and-see attitude before implementing similar measures.

George Soros on Europe's Woes. "I totally deplore this situation that I was instrumental in creating," Soros said. "My own past actions now fill me with repugnance, and I plan to give away my billions and live the rest of my life in a small treehouse, eating only store-brand saltines and drinking only hose-water."

It's your own damned fault!

Don't buy gold. It will give you ass-cancer.

"Revalue the Renminbi or we'll release the hounds!" Um...dude...it's only a useful as a bluff if the other guy doesn't know you're bluffing.

Captain Obvious, posting from his secret fortress near Pine Knot, Kentucky, noted that the government bailout of AIG was a really bad idea. "But the government acted in our best interest!", Captain Obvious asserted. "It takes a great deal of moral character to buck the tide of popular opinion!"

His evil nemesis, Baron von Bringdown, responded mockingly from his secret tropical-island hideout. "Your puny financial system is still rotten with counterparty risk! You actions were for nought! Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!" Mr. von Bringdown then announced that the construction on his massive planet-destroying laser had been halted due to "unexpectedly weak performance in the capital markets". This news sent the stock of Henchmen, Inc. (HNCH) plummeting as Mr. von Bringdown's minions found themselves out of work.

A short history sidebar - King Croesus and the first coining of money.

(Via Reason magazine). Food inflation? As long as I can afford Cap'n Crunch and milk, I'll be okay.

Who ya gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?

Home foreclosures reached a record in May, sort of putting a damper on that whole "the worst is past" line the Obama Administration has been pushing.

The Obama Administration is considering canceling the mortgage interest deduction. In related news, outraged homeowners are considering lifting a high-stepping kick right into President Obama's balls.

Commercial real-estate is starting to give off a pretty ripe stink. It's kind of like when you step in dogshit and don't realize it until you come in the house and walk around for a little while and then realize that you've just tracked poop all over your floor and have perfumed the house with L'air Du Turd.

Is California still boned? You know they are!

This program brought to you by the Magic 8-Ball of Doom.


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