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May 24, 2010

Ace of Spades Exclusive Confession: Sixteen Years Ago, While She Was Still Married, Margaret Thatcher Gave Me a Cocoa-Butter Handjob

Folks, I'm just letting the chips fall where they may. I'm here to straight-shoot and protect you people. I can't do that unless I tell you about my handjob from Margaret Thatcher.

How was it? Let's talk grip strength: She wasn't called the "Iron Lady" for nothing.

But I shan't be discussing any further details with the media. Please -- leave me alone with my solitude.

No, but seriously, did you hear this crap?

Now, my general belief is "all rumors are true."

But that's a general thing. I'm open to disbelieving rumors.

Like if the guy making this claim is a blogger, who insists he's some kind of incredibly important media figure (despite my never having heard doodly-squat of him), and generally writes like a deranged maniac with a dash of narcissistic personality disorder.

Will Folks: Letting The Chips Fall

Since I founded FITSNews three-and-a-half years ago, I’ve made more than my fair share of powerful enemies in this state.

Right. Like the buffet cashier at the Charleston Sizzler.

What? Dude, how can you have enemies when no one knows who you are?

One reason for that? I call it like I see it – whether you like it or not, agree with it or not, or even believe it or not.

Huh-- well that's a new spin: a blogger who calls it like he sees it.

Well, now I've heard everything!

Clearly, there’s no shortage of opinions about me, my website or the impact it’s having on South Carolina’s political process...

Um, I'm short an opinion-- who the fuck are you?

...but I like to think that the stories I break, the debates I drive and the opinions I help shape all speak to the potency of the brand I’ve created.

I like to think my flatulence smells like fresh-baked cinnamon-raisin bagels. Preach it.

At the heart of this brand is telling it like it is – which this website has always done, and which it will continue to do no matter what “Damocles sword” is being held over my head on a personal level by the less savory elements of this state’s failed status quo.

I always "trust" people who "use" quotation marks like "homicidal maniacs."

Preserving my ability to shoot straight – free from threats and intimidation – is essential to my professional livelihood, while being able to look myself in the mirror each day is essential to who I am as a person.

Oh my God. I thought Bill O'Reilly had a hard-on for himself.

At least Bill O'Reilly has a series of bestselling books. And the novel "Those Who Trespass."

The two are inseparable, actually, and to compromise one is to eventually wind up sacrificing both.

I still want to hear about that "Damocles sword."

Beyond these considerations, this website is fighting for several fundamental ideals – academic opportunity for all of our state’s children, the promotion of individual liberty, and the creation of a more prosperous economic climate, to name just a few. These ideals obviously matter a great deal to me – which is why I fight so hard for them – and why I cannot (and will not) permit anyone to compromise my ability to continue fighting for them.

I see him on horseback, face blue with Woad-paint, rallying the flower of Scotland, as he says this. Because he's my new fucking hero.

God I hate self-promoters like this. I really, really do.

In recent weeks, however, a group of political operatives has attempted to do just that. In fact, on a very personal level I have become the primary target of a group that will apparently stop at nothing to destroy the one S.C. gubernatorial candidate who, in my opinion, would most consistently advance the ideals I believe in.

So I'm going to grab the spotlight and announce I shagged her.

Because shagging's an ideal I believe in, too.

For those of you unfamiliar with the editorial bent of this website...

(Hand up) Oooh, ooh! That's me, that's me!

... the candidate I am referring to is S.C. Rep. Nikki Haley.

This network of operatives has made it abundantly clear that in the process of “taking down” Rep. Haley, they will also stop at nothing to humiliate me, destroy my family and take a sizable chunk out of the credibility this website has managed to amass for itself.

This cat -- Braveheart of Charlestown, I call him -- is claiming they are trying to humiliate him by suggesting that he, when single, and a man, had a sexual affair with a woman, who was married.

Really? You're the one who's humiliated?

Are you sure? Because it sounds like 1) she was the only person who could possibly be humiliated in this scenario and 2) you are revealing this gratuitously, or just makin' shit up.

The way he constructs this -- poor me, I got laid by an in-demand married woman when it was perfectly free myself to engage in such dalliances -- as "humiliating" him to the extent he is forced to confess his non-sinful sin, makes me think he's 1) insane or 2) a full-of-shit spotlight grabbing libel artist or 3) both.

What kind of fall-out and repercussions was this asshole fearing, exactly?

Getting an "I Nailed the Governor and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" as a gag-gift?

Getting high-fived to death?

It reminds me of the joke: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Though I am seventy years old, I have recently taken a young lover, a beautiful girl of 17. And we have been engaged in nonstop carnality of such bestial sinfulness that it would scandalize the Mayor of Sodom. Every day, six times a day, since I met her."

"I understand. And how long has it been since your last confession?"

"Never."

"Never? Not a single confession?"

"No, Father. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish? Then why are you telling me this for?"

"Why am I telling you? Padre, I'm telling everybody!!!"

Such is the blood sport of S.C. politics, I suppose...

"I suppose."

I read the weary sigh of an exhausted hero who can do no more, in that "I suppose."

"And Hercules shrugged his shoulders, weary from the effort of propping up the heavens."

I suppose.

... – particularly in the wake of the scandal that consumed my former boss, Gov. Mark Sanford.

Specifically, within the last forty-eight hours several pieces of information which purportedly document a prior physical relationship between myself and Rep. Haley have begun to be leaked slowly, piece by piece, to members of the mainstream media.

"Have begun to leak"?

You mean... you leaked?

I am told that at least one story based upon this information will be published this week. Watching all of this unfold, I have become convinced that the gradual release of this information is deliberately designed to advance this story in the press while simultaneously forcing either evasive answers or denials on my part or on Nikki’s part.

And he's not going to resort to that -- he's here to shoot straight no matter whose feathers it ruffles, goddamnit!

Whoever he is.

I refuse to play that game. I refuse to have someone hold the political equivalent of a switch-blade in front of my face and just sit there and watch as they cut me to pieces.

Again: Being "accused" of sleeping with a woman when you were free to do so is... a melodramatical switch-blade in this guy's face.

I haven't seen this much jumped-up drama since I was a writer on Melrose Place. And had an inappropriate sexual relationship with Heather Locklear.

But of that-- I shall speaketh no further! Damn you for compelling me to reveal this with your vile switch-blades of iniquitous inquiry!

The truth in this case is what it is. Several years ago, prior to my marriage, I had an inappropriate physical relationship with Nikki.

That’s it.

And that's it. Just that I banged the married candidate for SC's Governor. And that's all I'm saying.

Out of respect for this woman, whom I support, I shall not say another word to besmirch her. Certainly I shan't be revealing her favorite sexual position (reverse missionary -- just somethin' I made up one day which she went all crazy-eyed over, because I'm so fuckin' awesome... Ladies, when I say I "shoot straight," I ain't just talkin' policy, you know?).

I will not be discussing the details of that relationship, nor will I be granting any additional interviews about it to members of the media beyond what I have already been compelled to confirm.

Uh-huh.


Bonus: And He Was The Original Bikini Inspector No. 69, Too:

Ladies... would you?


Related Flashback: "Impossible is Nothing."

I haven't heard a reluctant, painful confession like this since Humpty Hump tearfully admitted "I once got busy in a BK bathroom."


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posted by Ace at 07:20 PM

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