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March 20, 2010

Hey, House Members...How You Like Me Now?

An Open Letter to the House of Representatives from the United States Senate,

Dear Revolutionary Comrades in the House of Representatives,

How. Do. You. Like. Me. Now?

With the dropping of DemonPass, order has been restored. Once again, it is the Senate's way or the highway. Which is only fair, since my Appropriations Committee does a better job of funding highways than yours does anyway (which is why my requests typically prevail in conference committee).

As it was in the beginning, so shall it be in the end. It is not for nothing that I am the "upper chamber." I am the Master of the Universe. To put it in terms that even you can understand...I have the Power of Grayskull. You fetch Skeletor's juice boxes.

For, you see, no one on this side of the Hill takes you seriously. How could they? I am the body from which future Presidents emerge. You are the body from which Dennis Kucinich wages a constant battle against the mind control rays of Planet Nebulon Alpha VI.

In fact, were it not for how precious your antics are, I might not even keep you around at all! Sure...revenue bills have to originate within your body, but, c'mon, it's not like I was ever gonna have a problem with raising taxes over here anyway.

No...it's your insistance that you should be allowed to prevail on matters of policy that is truly amusing. Did you really think your trifling concerns on the health care bill were ever going to override mine?

After all, the founders didn't even trust you bozos to have a hand in approving nominees or ratifying treaties! In modern lingo, our Parents refused to give you the keys to the car. You will forever be counting on your more responsible big brother in the Senate to give you a ride to get to where you want to go.

Which I will be more than happy to do. Provided there isn't anything good on TV, and you cough up the gas money.

I know it has to hurt. You threw your cute little tantrum, got your panties all in a twist, and held your breath until you turned blue.

Well, I heard you did this. Truth be told I really didn't notice. It was fajita day in the Cloakroom, and pretty much all I could concentrate on was salsa, salsa, salsa!

But in the end, you are left without a say. You now have to pass the Senate's much better, wiser, and gosh darn it, handsome, legislation (which, in another sign of your penchant for adolescent, emo rage you hate) if you wish to proceed further on health care.

"But the unions hate the Cadillac tax!" you shout. Oh, you'll have time to win them over before you are up for election.

Oh that's right...you have to stand for election in November while 2/3's of the Dems in the Senate don't face voters for several more years. When you have a full 6 year term (they give anyone who is important at least 4 years) it's easy to lose track of time.

By the way, I keep meaning to ask this. Why are you hitting yourself? Do you like to hit yourself? You really should stop hitting yourself. What do you mean I am hitting you? I'm just standing in front of you, waving your arms around. It's your clenched fists hitting your goofy face that you refuse to move out of the way! Do you enjoy pain?

I digress. You have to go on record on our legislation now. Your proposed changes? Never gonna see the light of day. Well, that's not true. I may print them out and hang them on the refrigerator. Right next to the "executive order" made out of macaroni and glue that President Obama is reportedly considering giving you during recess.

You see, like your proposed changes, executive orders are just the cutest little things! They are like the finger-painting of the starfish you made, which I pointed out looked just like a turkey. "No", you insisted, "today it's a starfish!" "But it's an outline of your hand,"I said, "it looks more like a turkey!"

And then the neighbors came over, and they looked at the refrigerator. And they said "isn't that a cute Turkey!" and I said "it sure is" because I was ashamed to be associated with such a crappy piece of "art". Why do you bring such shame upon the family?

The important thing, tho, is that every time the neighbors look at the "painting" they see a turkey. And they always will, thanks to me.

Which reminds me. Remember that time you stayed up all night drawing a 1/1000 representation of the Capitol Mall on the Etch of Sketch, and before you could show it to anyone we erased it. Sure, you cried. But I laughed. So I deem that a good time was had by all.

See, who says I don't pay attention to what you little guys get up to over there.

Now be good little Representatives and follow my lead once again. Sure, people will wonder how you could vote for something you hate, but you can just tell them "because the Senate is smarter and better at legislatin' and stuff" and they will certainly understand.

Or stand up for yourselves and vote our Senate bill down. Maybe, just maybe, you could force me to start all over.

HAHAHAHAHHAH. As if. Once a red headed step-child, always a red-headed step child.

Love ya lots, lil'bro. Now fetch me a juice box.

Your Better,

The Senate

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posted by Jack M. at 03:36 PM

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