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May 21, 2008

It Puts the Lotion on the Gasket: Man Admits (Claims?) Sexual Relations with 1000 Cars

Not in those vehicles or on those vehicles, mind you. With those vehicles.


Actual Caption: Edward Smith with one of his former partners

Well, it is the "Love Bug."

Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not "sick" and had no desire to change his ways.

"I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said.

"Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful.


"I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."

...

Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men.

I don't want to be all liberal, but it seems to me this guy isn't hurting anyone, and if this is his preference, so be it. There's nothing to be gained by judging him or treating him with anything but tolerance and acceptance.

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.

What? What? You dirty bastard son of a bitch. String this filthy pervert up and let him stretch until his rotten head pops off.

As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger.

Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses.

But he confesses that many of the cars he has had sex with have belonged to strangers or car showrooms.

...

Mr Smith, from Washington state in the US, kept quiet about his secret fetish for years, but agreed to be interviewed as part of a channel Five documentary into “mechaphilia”.

He explains how his fetish began:

"When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it."

Eh, that'll do it.

Now, he's willing to admit his "mechphillia" perversion, but there is one thing he wants to be perfectly clear about:

"As far as women go, they never really interested me much. And I'm not gay.

Thank goodness. For a second I thought he was weird or something.

Then again, when the lights go down, you're just looking for an engine-hum and an exhaust pipe, right?

Thanks to dri.

UPDATE (Jack M.): I think this story settles the Airwolf vs. Firefox debate once and for all.

Firefox would NEVER have succumbed to the unwanted sexual advances of Edward "Who's gonna drive you home?" Harris.

Unlike that wuss, Airwolf, who didn't exactly put up much resistance, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Update [ace]: Okay, now I can see the attraction. Thanks to dri again for that.

Thanks! Railwriter suggested the new intro for the headline.


Vid: Since others are linking their favorite carfucking songs, I'll link this obscure one from Thomas Dolby I always liked.

digg this
posted by Ace at 11:31 AM

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