A Letter to AoSHQ from Sen. Lindsey Graham*

June 26, 2007

Mr. Ace O'Spades
www.ace.mu.nu
100 Skid Row
Boston, Massachusetts

Dear Mr. O'Spades,

I have been reading your self-described "moronblog" for the past several weeks as you have attempted to single-handedly thwart my attempt to bring Comprehensive Immigration Reform to the American people against their wishes. And while I might have been receptive to your advocacy for other initiatives that can be tackled single-handedly, I must take this opportunity to address both you and your readers with but one simple thought:

How you like me now, bitches?

You see, Ace, by this time tomorrow the bill that Senators Kennedy, McCain, Kyl and I wrote in secret will be well on it's way to becoming law. And there isn't a thing you or your redneck army of toothless mouthbreathing opponents can do to stop it. And I know I have good standing to call you toothless mouthbreathers, because I'm pretty sure I saw a photo of you in my paper of record, the New York Times.

So keep on with your whining about "enforcement first" and "building a wall". Keep exposing the "deeply flawed" provisions of this bill. I take solace in knowing that the only thing motivating your interest in this bill is your own inherent bigotry. After all, if you weren't a bigot, you wouldn't have taken the time to read the bill looking for reasons to oppose it, would you?

As my good friend Ted Kennedy says, one man's frustrated tears is another man's sweet, sweet tequila. And you, my friend, are 180 proof. In fact, I'm so giddy right now I think I might get together with Sen. Kennedy and throw caution to the wind by "eating the worm", so to speak.

To your credit, you put up a good fight. If it weren't for the strong and yet tender massage therapy treatments offered by my undocumented cabana boy Pepe, and the aromatherapy treatments I was turned onto by Trent Lott, I might not have found the strength to continue on in my struggle to represent the National Council of La Raza against the onslaught of bigotry and hatred levied against them by you, your readers, and the redneck rubes who make up the overwhelming majority of the voting population of South Carolina.

Just remember Ace. Daddy always knows what's best for you. And make no mistake. I. Am. Your. Daddy. And by "Daddy" I mean "androgynous, asexual twerp with Senate voting privileges".

Better luck next time, loser. I'll be thinking of you in November, 2008 when I sweep to yet another victory on the backs of the Mexican-hatin' trailer park trash who make up my constituency.

See you around the truck stops!

Sincerely,

Senator Lindsey "Wagner" Graham.

*The provenence of this letter is in some dispute. In the name of journalistic integrity it is probably best to classify it as "fake but accurate". Or parody. Whatever keeps the lawyers at bay.

posted by Jack M. at 12:53 AM

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