Our long, national, "Not Hot"-mare is Over!

Paris Hilton is free at last! Free. At. Last.

The story is breaking on FOX right now, so I don't have a story to link to yet. I would like to thank Paris though.

Because Paris actually did me a solid. By leaving jail at 3:00 AM in the morning (E.S.T.) not only did Fox not interrupt their broadcast of Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld, but I was treated to an unexpected surprise:

Breaking News Coverage anchored by Ms. Suzanne Sena. Or as you losers know her, the Future Mrs. Jack M.

I don't live blog things very often, but I think I will now, since there isn't a link. Here goes:

***3:00-Suzanne Sena cuts in with breaking news. Have I told you that she is the future Mrs. Jack M? Consider that an AoSHQ exclusive.

***3:06- Some tool on Fox who is reporting live from the scene just reported that Paris Hilton has an "IQ of 150". I wouldn't have bet you could have reached a score of 150 by adding all 4 members of the immediate Hilton family together.

***3:07- I kid you not...the same Fox news dude just compared Paris' leaving her cell to...Nelson Mandela.

***3:08- Suzanne Sena looks tasty in her Pink outfit. Like a Carnation. If carnations were, in fact, tasty. Which I'm going to assert they are.

***3:11- Still no Paris sightings, although her parents are in an Escalade waiting outside the jail.

***3:15- PARIS IS FREE! Strutting around the parking lot like a Milan model strung out on a mixture of crystal meth and heroin, Paris collapses into the waiting arms of her mother. Hilton on Hilton action? Not as hot as you might think.

***3:19-The escalade drives off. Also not so hot.

***3:19: Suzanne Sena reappears on screen. Totally Hot.

***3:20-The douchenozzle local reporter on Fox just compared the Greatest Generation's "liberation of Paris" from Nazi control to this generation's "liberation of Paris" from LA County Jail. What a ridiculous comparison. Everyone knows the Nazis were better dressers.

***3:22-Nicole Richie is nowhere to be seen. Just an observation. Then again, maybe she's been dieting and I just missed her behind a cell bar.

***3:23-Fox now has the Paris "I'm free, bitches" strut in heavy replay mode.

***3:26-Fox is now reporting that "Paris wants to sleep in her own bed". They don't address whether she knows where it is, who will be joining her, or whether the nightvision lenses are still attached.

***3:28- I would've stopped blogging this stupid story 15 minutes ago, but I just can't leave Suzanne Sena to carry this horrible burden alone. I'm old fashioned that way.

***3:29-By the way, when I finally get my Red Eye invite? Sena better be a guest, dammit. I don't ask for much.

***3:30-Apparently Paris' neighbors don't want her back in their neighborhood. Wow...who knew Brentwood had so much in common with the rest of America?

***3:35-Sena shows her broadcasting chops by asking deep, probing and penetrating questions to some "Life and Style Weekly" reporterette whose name I didn't catch. I was too busy trying to decide what Stars in the Heavens the twinkle in Sena's eyes reminded me of.

***3:36- I'm thinking Vega and Rigel. Those are stars, morons.

***3:40-Apparently, Paris lost 5 pounds in jail. I'm not saying this to be mean, but maybe Samantha Judge could use 3 weeks in jail, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

***3:43-Paris remains on probation. If she violates the terms she could spend 1 year in jail for an infraction as minor as speeding, forgetting to fasten a seatbelt, or doing three lines of coke off the fender of a Ferrari.

***3:45-The Fox news guy on the local scene just stated that "hopefully when Paris loses her police escort, she won't become the new Princess Diana due to all the pursuing paparazzi" while clearly hoping that this eventuality would, in fact, occur. Me? I hope not. I couldn't take another Elton John reworking of "Candle in the Wind".

***3:48-The black escalade chase just doesn't measure up to the white bronco chase. Where's Al Cowling when you need him?

***3:50-Pat Lalama just made the stunning observation that Paris "craves attention". I am stunned at this revelation.

***4:00-OK...I have stuck with Ms. Suzanne Sena for a solid hour. That officially makes this a date. Don't you judge me, people. Don't you dare judge me!

***4:01-The black escalade has stopped! It's pulled up in front of the...Beverly Hills Hilton Hotel. It's all about product placement people.

***4:02-Psyche! The black escalade kept going. The tension is unbearable.

***4:03-I haven't seen Suzanne Sena on screen for over 10 minutes. I'm rapidly losing interest in this story.

***4:04- Hmm...Fox news' legal analyst just described the Judge in the Hilton case as having pulled an "I'm your Daddy!" move on Hilton. My interest is renewed.

***4:05-Bah. Sena made him stop. Suzanne, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Not until I say the safety word!

***4:10-OK...I can't take any more of this. Suzanne is throwing this story back to the lame local reporter. I think I was wrong with the Carnation example. She's looking much more like a Rose now. A sexy, sexy, rose.

Thus ends my first foray into live blogging. I think it went pretty well. One of you jokers should nominate me for a pulitzer prize. After all, not every blogger would have made this level of sacrifice to bring you this story. I'm a Saint.

posted by Jack M. at 04:03 AM

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