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July 10, 2006

I Feel Dirty

Mrs. Peel has a dream, and rejects the now-discredited Freudian interpretations of it.

Instead, she prefers a Gygaxian analysis.

She asks about previous threads on Vampires. Well, I've done several. Here I slammed vampires as the liberal metrosexual Eurotrash pussyboys of the monster world.

Here I argued about what the "rules" of vampires are or should be.

Here I reported on a British crank's theory that the world was controled by an alien race of shapeshifting reptilian space-vampires who, for reasons I can't comprehend, are also Jews. You'd think aliens would have some other, less terrestrial religion. But no: of course they're Jews.

And this is just about some overly-praised seven-year-old girl and black activist poet, who writes powerful indictments about "PIRATE-VAMPIRE!" whites who plunder, and suck the blood, of the black community.

You know, when I was seven, I wrote a lot about pirates, vampires, and ghosts. No one nominated me an NEA grant, though.


On to Mrs. Peel's Gygaxian interpretation of her dream.

Content warning. This is so geeky it's disturbing.

Does anyone have a link to the vampire discussion from earlier this year (I think; might have been last year)? I was thinking of it today because I had this freaky-ass dream about a vampire last night. He was going for my neck, his canines glinting, so I got a chokehold on his neck and started applying pressure so as to cut off the flow of blood to his brain. He turned into a bat, which I squeezed, but foolishly let up when the bat started squealing in pain (I like bats). Naturally, he took advantage of winning his grapple check to turn back into a vampire, but I managed to reestablish the grapple and choke away. He turned back into a bat, but this time, I showed no mercy, and squeezed it until it exploded, leaving bat-blood and bat-guts all over my hands. Way gross.

Anyway, this dream engendered several questions.
1. If he could turn into a bat while grappled, why couldn't he turn into mist while grappled?
2. Since when can I win a grapple check against anything tougher than a kobold?
3. Do vampires have a circulatory system involving blood?
4. If so, is it at all analogous to humans'?
5. What's the deal with the exploding? I mean, it was like the bat was a hard shell with the blood and guts under high pressure inside.
6. What are normal INT and WIS for a vampire? This one seemed to be fairly wily, but not really bright.
7. What the heck is going on in my subconscious? The same night, I had a dream about a bizarre cloning/time warp incident that left me as sole caretaker of two infant boys, identical except that one was a couple months older than the other.

Perhaps Mrs. Peel would be better served by interpreting her dreams according to Jungian archetypes -- Lawful Good (Ki-rin), Chaotic Good (Silver Dragon), Lawful Evil (Mind Flayer), and Chaotic Good (Beholder).

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posted by Ace at 07:14 PM

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