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July 10, 2006

Cybersex Roleplaying!

Update: Scan down. Some silly stuff.

And I mean the hot kind of roleplaying. (Mild content warning for "chat session" linked at site.)

Actually, I did almost exactly this one of my first times ever online. With a friend, I went into an AOL chatroom called "The Dungeon," with the intent of pretending I had missed the meaning of that name.

I immediately got hit on by some dude. He wanted to know my race, so I told him "elf." He asked what I was packing, so I told him "+4 Longbow of Slaying." Or something like that.

He asked me what I was wearing, so I said "Studded leather," which he seemed to like, but when he asked me to take it off, I said I couldn't, because there might be stirges and displacer beasts around.

He eventually got annoyed and moved on.

Still, from that moment, I knew that this crazy thing we call the Internet Tubes was my stage.

Update: For GURPS (a D&D kind of game), rules for sex.

Thanks to Shawn, but not lowercased shawn.

I wish I could find it, but there was this RPG created by a lunatic which was online. It was insanely detailed. And I don't mean "insanely detailed" as in "overly detailed." I mean it was filled with the sort of details only a lunatic would need.

You actually rolled for things like penis length and girth, and sexual stamina. And ladies, you got to roll for vaginal diameter. And, um, depth. And equivalent ratings for your butt, should things come to that.

But that wasn't the craziest thing. The craziest thing -- which I've kind of stolen -- was that you also had to roll to see if you were a "retard." And that's not the crazy part. The crazy part was that, if you were in fact a "retard," you then had to roll on another table to determine if you had something called, I shit you not, "retard-strength." And then a subtable would determine your exact level of "retard-strength."

I was reading it one night, and was just delighted. It wasn't a parody; this was just some obsessive, probably insane geek who had, thankfully, chosen creating the "ultimate super-detailed role-playing game" as the vehicle for his psychosis.

The hell with the old "I rolled three 18's, an 18/00 for strength, and the highest level of psionic power with all forms of mental attack and defense." That's kid-stuff. In this game, the ulitmate munchkin would claim "I rolled up a character with a 14 inch cock, four and a half inches in diameter, with a one hour and forty minute sexual stamina capacity, and, while I rolled up mental retardation, I also rolled +250% 'retard-strength' when I'm enraged by either not having wild retard-sex for a week or not getting my vanilla tapioca."

That legendary game -- which is sort of the Keyser Sose of RPG's, except it's definitely real -- is definitely the Ace of Spades Lifestyle (TM) Official Role-Playing Game.

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posted by Ace at 09:01 PM

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