Intermarkets' Privacy Policy

Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!

Recent Entries
Absent Friends
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024
Captain Hate 2023
moon_over_vermont 2023
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

« Ancient Giant Pyramid Discovered In… Europe? | Main | Automatic Translators Debut »
October 28, 2005

What Are The Real Rules Of Vampires?

Over at Lorie Byrd's site, she's posted her favorite horror movies, with links to other lists.

I was sort of beginning to compile my own list when a question hit me:

Given that vampires are probably the best-known and overall best monsters, why are there so few vampire movies that are any good whatsoever?

Really, the only good vampire movies I can think of off the top of my head are Lost Boys and Fright Night, which is, I contend, the best vampire movie ever made, despite the fact that it's partly a comedy.

Thinking about those two movies made me curious: What are the real rules of vampires, anyway? Lost Boys has one set of rules and powers (an expansive set); Fright Night a more limited set.

Skip this unless you really want to geek out on vampires.

I like the limited set better. Here are my personal preferred vampire rules:

Can Only Walk In Darkness?: No. It's silly. They're just very weak in daytime and sunlight causes painful blistering after a few moments. But they shouldn't explode on contact with sunlight (as they did in Fright Night, but what a cool ending).

Must Retire To the Coffin?: Eh, I don't know. So central to the myth, but a little dumb. I guess I'll say "yes" to this one. Maybe they have to die again each day in order to rise from the dead at night.

Can Only Be Killed By Stake Through The Heart?: No. They just heal like Wolverine. You need to deliver a massive wound to the head or heart (or sever the head) to kill them. Everything else they just recover from almost instantly.

Superstrength and superspeed? Definitely. I think Interview With A Vampire had a nice little scene showing Louis move across a room in blink of an eye. The speed element doesn't get stressed enough. Probably because it's harder to show in film, and partly because all monsters are slow and plodding (that's the only way the heroine can keep alive for more than three seconds).

Fly?: No. Although I hate the idea of flying vampires generally, Lost Boys did sort of reduce my resistance to it. But not enough.

Levitate?: Maybe. Levitation is fundamentally creepier than flying. The only thing I remember from Salem's Lot is the little boy vampire in his night-shirt levitating outside the window, scratching on the glass. Very creepy.

Spider-climb?: Yes. It's creepy-looking. But no just walking on your feet up a wall, as if gravity is perpendicular to the surface of the wall. That's silly.

Silver harms?: No, that's werewolves.

No Image In Mirror?: No, that's ass.

Can't Enter House Without Owner's Permission?: No, that's stupid. Who the hell made this one up?

Hate Garlic?: Maybe. Kinda dumb, but it's so well-known.

Recoil From Crosses?: Yes. Very cool. But I like Fright Night's take on it. You can't just put up a cross and expect a vampire to cower. "You gotta have faith for that to work on me."

Do You Have To Die Before Becoming A Vampire?: No movie seems very consistent on this. You would think, vampires being undead, that you'd have to be killed by a vampire and then rise from the dead as a vampire later. But heroines are forever getting bitten, and of course they can't die, so there seems to be an alternate rule that you can become vapire-ish ("half-vampires," they always say) by just being bitten a few times... and without ever actually going to the grave.

I think really perfect consistency would say: You have to choose to become a vampire, maybe by drinking the blood of the vampire who will kill you, and allow him to murder you. If you do that, you may rise a vampire. To be undead you have to first be dead. Seems reasonable to me.

Otherwise, no vampire-spawning. If a vampire's sucking on you, you just become a little pale and weak and maybe perverse. Maybe some minor feats of strength.

And on that, I really prefer the throat-slashing murdering vampires than the discreet almost-sexual blood-sipping ones. A monster should be scary. It should kill people.

Turn into Mist/Rats/Bat?: No, especially to the first one.

Handsome/Beautiful?: Yes, but it's an illusion, or mask they wear. Vampires, once enraged or in blood frenzy, should show ugly demonic faces. Again, like Fright Night. They're not superheroes. They're monsters posing as human beings.

Claws?: Oh yeah. Love the claws; better than the teeth, if you ask me. They're really just part of their warped demonic bodies, hidden from normal view by illusion or whatever.

Gay Aristocrats Sitting Around Quoting Shelley And Pining For Lost Loves?: NO, NO, NO. They're monsters, not anti-heroes. The humans are the heroes. Rutger Hauer had a quote about people who thought the robots were the heroes in Blade Runner, something along the lines of, "They're not heroes, they're robots. Can a robot love you? No, it's a robot. I was playing a villain, not a tragic hero." And I think that should be the way vampires are. They don't love; they kill. (Or their "love" is murder.)

They're seductive, but not sympathetic. Again, they're monsters. They're as capable of loving human beings as a tiger is. Or less so, really; tigers don't swear a pact to Satan and become cannibals.

digg this
posted by Ace at 02:19 AM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
JackStraw: ">>Always liked Bogie in IN A LONELY PLACE and THE ..."

haffhowershower: "So you're saying that it's a sequel? ..."

Auspex: " Neighbors got back from watching Trump downtown ..."

Catch Thirty-Thr33: "196 Inside Out 2 was not green lit by Iger but by ..."

haffhowershower: "205 Has anyone seen the movie version of "Cats"? L ..."

Robert: "Oh, I finally saw a Steve McQueen movie! The Bl ..."

Joe Kidd: "192 Bob Newhart trivia for you. Believe it or n ..."

moviegique (buy my books): "|| Has anyone seen the movie version of "Cats"? Li ..."

Robert: "Has anyone seen the movie version of "Cats"? Post ..."

moviegique (buy my books): "|| Bottle Shock. ‘Why don’t I like ..."

Robert: "TIL that you're not the "Robert" from "Robert's An ..."

San Franpsycho: "I watched [i]Taxi Driver[/i] and didn't like it as ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64