Intermarkets' Privacy Policy Support
Donate to Ace of Spades HQ! Contact
Ace:aceofspadeshq at gee mail.com Buck: buck.throckmorton at protonmail.com CBD: cbd at cutjibnewsletter.com joe mannix: mannix2024 at proton.me MisHum: petmorons at gee mail.com J.J. Sefton: sefton at cutjibnewsletter.com Recent Entries
America's Worst Previous President, Jimmy Carter, Dead at 100
THE MORNING RANT: Government is Paying Manufacturers to Produce Electric School Buses, and Then Paying School Districts to Buy Them Mid-Morning Art Thread The Morning Report — 12/30/24 Daily Tech News 30 December 2024 Sunday Overnight Open Thread - December 29, 2024 [Doof] Gun Thread: Post Christmas and Pre-New Year 2024 Edition! Food Thread: Raccoons, Brisket, And Latkes...A Match Made In Heaven! First-World Problems... The Progressives Love Lawfare...Payback Is A B*tch! Absent Friends
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024 Captain Hate 2023 moon_over_vermont 2023 westminsterdogshow 2023 Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022 Dave In Texas 2022 Jesse in D.C. 2022 OregonMuse 2022 redc1c4 2021 Tami 2021 Chavez the Hugo 2020 Ibguy 2020 Rickl 2019 Joffen 2014 AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published.
Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups
|
« A Bit of Shameless Pimping |
Main
| Just Heard [Jen@Demure Thoughts] »
June 13, 2005
Vampires: Eurotrash Pussyboys [Ace]You can either portray vampires as monstrous predators on humanity, and make the humans the interesting characters, in which case you've got a good film on your hands, like Fright Night or any of the Blade movies. (Yeah, I know, "the Daywalker" is a half-vampire or somethin'.) Or you can make the vampires the angst-ridden anti-hero brooding romantics, in which case you're making a basically shitty movie that appeals to no one but Goth geeks. Lilkes sucks the life out of the latter sort of vampires: I hate vampires. They’re just mosquitoes with backstories. Oh, but they’re so romantic, being damned and all! Feh. Women like the Eastern European accents and brooding looks; if most vampires were pale gangly nerds who spoke in falsettos, “Interview With a Vampire” would be one page long, and consist of two questions: have you ever operated a deep fryer before, and can you start Monday? I can’t stand their annoying superiority – oh, you mere mortal, behold me, who is stronger and will live forever, barring any accidents involving photons or stakes. Superior? Well, if it’s a one-on-one match, I suppose, but have you guys ever accomplished anything besides striking poses in red velvet smoking jackets? You’re the worst sort of European: our most compelling advantage appears to be our ready access to antique furniture, over which we may artlessly sprawl in dank mansions. Hey, Fangboy: Ever invented anything? Tell you what: fifty of us against fifty of you. We’ll bring stuff humans have invented. You bring your teeth. He trashes Underworld in the course of trashing Goth-y anti-hero vampire movies, which is too bad, because while Underworld definitely did play into that whole goofy template, it was still an okay movie. He mentions a cliche in movies that always annoys me: You will have some opponent who is physically threatening. And yet humans can go toe-to-toe with them (at the climactic fight), because the humans bother to do things like pick up automatic weapons and grenades, while the monsters continue relying on claws and teeth. Makes sense for Aliens (they're just large insects with limited intelligence), but not vampires. One thing I like about the Blade series is that apparently Blade's vampiric-opponents have grokked to the whole "ranged weapon" thingee. The same thing sort of happens in Matrix, with those stupid squid-ships. They're powerhouse war-machines, and they look cool grappling with you and using short-range lasers to carve through your hull, but apparently the super-genius computer running the Machine City never thought to add a couple of Vulcan cannons on to a tentacle or two, or maybe a Hellfire missile launcher. Star Wars 3 annoyed me similarly with those dumb little robots that would cling to your ship and... explode? No. They would just carve up your wing with very low-powered laser-torches. Kinda dumb to build a weapon that takes six hours to disable even a tiny fighter. Any monster needs a reason why it doesn't use advanced weaponry. Predator uses some advanced weaponry, and we know why he doesn't use other sorts (he has a code; he is, after all, a sportsman, and like sportsmen, you don't blow up your pray with grenade launchers). Or you're just an animal, like the Aliens. Or you're just stupid, like zombies. But damnit, if a monster has brains, access to weaponry, and no code restricting it from using same, that monster/robot/squid-ship had better sport some ranged weaponry and stop with this "let me just see if I can get past the machinegun cannons and then hopefully get into hand to hand combat with my otherwise-outmatched opponents" nonsense. Thanks to LauraW for the tip. But the Vampire in Fright Night Didn't Use Weapons, Either: Well, sometimes "overconfidence" and "insufferable arrogance" is a (barely) good enough excuse. And let's face it, Chris Sarandon was up against the kid from Herman's Head and f'n' Roddy McDowell -- not the most imposing male figures one can imagine -- so one can understand he didn't really see the need to break out the Glocks to take care of them. Still... one would think he'd have blocked out sunlight from the windows of his basement lair with something more substantial than black paint. Oh, well. Still a great climax, which works wonderfully the first time you see it. And I guess that's the test. | Recent Comments
Seems Legit:
"How odd, I thought everyone understood that electr ..."
rickb223 Gold & Silver Spot Prices [s][/b][/i][/u]: "You’d think they would’ve come up with ..." Commissar of Plenty and Lysenkoism in Solidarity with the Struggle : "MiG-29 has two sets of intakes Bonus hole. ..." It's me donna : "270 242 To be fair, Elon did advise that there isn ..." West Frisian Women's Auxiliary : "The red head gene mutation also enables them to dr ..." eleven: "If there wasn't a steel re-enforced concrete wall ..." SMOD: "DC_Draino @DC_Draino Think about this If Tr ..." Sponge - F*ck Joe Biden: "[i]thus, his push to ship congolese lithium mining ..." garrett: "What is the increased Mass of an Electric School B ..." Thomas Paine: "242 To be fair, Elon did advise that there isn't e ..." Skip : "Bet they won't get 10 years of use out of a EV Bus ..." Sponge - F*ck Joe Biden: "[i]They handle 25% more pain than others, and repo ..." Recent Entries
America's Worst Previous President, Jimmy Carter, Dead at 100
THE MORNING RANT: Government is Paying Manufacturers to Produce Electric School Buses, and Then Paying School Districts to Buy Them Mid-Morning Art Thread The Morning Report — 12/30/24 Daily Tech News 30 December 2024 Sunday Overnight Open Thread - December 29, 2024 [Doof] Gun Thread: Post Christmas and Pre-New Year 2024 Edition! Food Thread: Raccoons, Brisket, And Latkes...A Match Made In Heaven! First-World Problems... The Progressives Love Lawfare...Payback Is A B*tch! Search
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Primary Document: The Audio
Paul Anka Haiku Contest Announcement Integrity SAT's: Entrance Exam for Paul Anka's Band AllahPundit's Paul Anka 45's Collection AnkaPundit: Paul Anka Takes Over the Site for a Weekend (Continues through to Monday's postings) George Bush Slices Don Rumsfeld Like an F*ckin' Hammer Top Top Tens
Democratic Forays into Erotica New Shows On Gore's DNC/MTV Network Nicknames for Potatoes, By People Who Really Hate Potatoes Star Wars Euphemisms for Self-Abuse Signs You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party" Signs Your Clown Has Gone Bad Signs That You, Geroge Michael, Should Probably Just Give It Up Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Kerry NYT Headlines Spinning Bush's Jobs Boom Things People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did You Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?" Signs that Paul Krugman Has Lost His Frickin' Mind All-Time Best NBA Players, According to Senator Robert Byrd Other Bad Things About the Jews, According to the Koran Signs That David Letterman Just Doesn't Care Anymore Examples of Bob Kerrey's Insufferable Racial Jackassery Signs Andy Rooney Is Going Senile Other Judgments Dick Clarke Made About Condi Rice Based on Her Appearance Collective Names for Groups of People John Kerry's Other Vietnam Super-Pets Cool Things About the XM8 Assault Rifle Media-Approved Facts About the Democrat Spy Changes to Make Christianity More "Inclusive" Secret John Kerry Senatorial Accomplishments John Edwards Campaign Excuses John Kerry Pick-Up Lines Changes Liberal Senator George Michell Will Make at Disney Torments in Dog-Hell Greatest Hitjobs
The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny More Margaret Cho Abuse Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed" Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means Wonkette's Stand-Up Act Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report! Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet The House of Love: Paul Krugman A Michael Moore Mystery (TM) The Dowd-O-Matic! Liberal Consistency and Other Myths Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate "Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long) The Donkey ("The Raven" parody) |