Sponsored Content




Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support


Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!



Recent Entries
Absent Friends
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024
Captain Hate 2023
moon_over_vermont 2023
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

NoVaMoMe 2024: 06/08/2024
Arlington, VA
Details to follow


Texas MoMe 2024: 10/18/2024-10/19/2024 Corsicana,TX
Contact Ben Had for info





















« A Bit of Shameless Pimping | Main | Just Heard [Jen@Demure Thoughts] »
June 13, 2005

Vampires: Eurotrash Pussyboys [Ace]

You can either portray vampires as monstrous predators on humanity, and make the humans the interesting characters, in which case you've got a good film on your hands, like Fright Night or any of the Blade movies. (Yeah, I know, "the Daywalker" is a half-vampire or somethin'.)

Or you can make the vampires the angst-ridden anti-hero brooding romantics, in which case you're making a basically shitty movie that appeals to no one but Goth geeks.

Lilkes sucks the life out of the latter sort of vampires:

I hate vampires. They’re just mosquitoes with backstories. Oh, but they’re so romantic, being damned and all! Feh. Women like the Eastern European accents and brooding looks; if most vampires were pale gangly nerds who spoke in falsettos, “Interview With a Vampire” would be one page long, and consist of two questions: have you ever operated a deep fryer before, and can you start Monday? I can’t stand their annoying superiority – oh, you mere mortal, behold me, who is stronger and will live forever, barring any accidents involving photons or stakes. Superior? Well, if it’s a one-on-one match, I suppose, but have you guys ever accomplished anything besides striking poses in red velvet smoking jackets? You’re the worst sort of European: our most compelling advantage appears to be our ready access to antique furniture, over which we may artlessly sprawl in dank mansions. Hey, Fangboy: Ever invented anything? Tell you what: fifty of us against fifty of you. We’ll bring stuff humans have invented. You bring your teeth.

He trashes Underworld in the course of trashing Goth-y anti-hero vampire movies, which is too bad, because while Underworld definitely did play into that whole goofy template, it was still an okay movie.

He mentions a cliche in movies that always annoys me:

You will have some opponent who is physically threatening. And yet humans can go toe-to-toe with them (at the climactic fight), because the humans bother to do things like pick up automatic weapons and grenades, while the monsters continue relying on claws and teeth.

Makes sense for Aliens (they're just large insects with limited intelligence), but not vampires. One thing I like about the Blade series is that apparently Blade's vampiric-opponents have grokked to the whole "ranged weapon" thingee.

The same thing sort of happens in Matrix, with those stupid squid-ships. They're powerhouse war-machines, and they look cool grappling with you and using short-range lasers to carve through your hull, but apparently the super-genius computer running the Machine City never thought to add a couple of Vulcan cannons on to a tentacle or two, or maybe a Hellfire missile launcher.

Star Wars 3 annoyed me similarly with those dumb little robots that would cling to your ship and... explode? No. They would just carve up your wing with very low-powered laser-torches. Kinda dumb to build a weapon that takes six hours to disable even a tiny fighter.

Any monster needs a reason why it doesn't use advanced weaponry. Predator uses some advanced weaponry, and we know why he doesn't use other sorts (he has a code; he is, after all, a sportsman, and like sportsmen, you don't blow up your pray with grenade launchers). Or you're just an animal, like the Aliens. Or you're just stupid, like zombies.

But damnit, if a monster has brains, access to weaponry, and no code restricting it from using same, that monster/robot/squid-ship had better sport some ranged weaponry and stop with this "let me just see if I can get past the machinegun cannons and then hopefully get into hand to hand combat with my otherwise-outmatched opponents" nonsense.

Thanks to LauraW for the tip.

But the Vampire in Fright Night Didn't Use Weapons, Either: Well, sometimes "overconfidence" and "insufferable arrogance" is a (barely) good enough excuse. And let's face it, Chris Sarandon was up against the kid from Herman's Head and f'n' Roddy McDowell -- not the most imposing male figures one can imagine -- so one can understand he didn't really see the need to break out the Glocks to take care of them.

Still... one would think he'd have blocked out sunlight from the windows of his basement lair with something more substantial than black paint. Oh, well. Still a great climax, which works wonderfully the first time you see it. And I guess that's the test.


digg this
posted by Ace at 03:25 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Montec: "They'll verify this way. Unintelligible scribble o ..."

joe, living dangerously: "The other choices on that poll of Biden's accompli ..."

Archimedes: "[i]7 No more Buick trunks full of discovered votes ..."

Deplorable Minion: "Brandon watch: who will be holding the bag? ..."

Skip: "Pfffft, Gov Shapiro will ignore this and his minio ..."

Rabid Moroccan Donkey with a ruptured asshole: "Josh Shapiro is an asshole. ..."

Maj. Healey: "[i] Today I learned that Subway restaurants in Hol ..."

The one, the only, Admiral Ackbar: "250 [i]If you're looking for an absolutely amazing ..."

TheJamesMadison, fighting zombies with George A. Romero: "I just have to say: It was the law in AZ in 202 ..."

Joe Mannix (Not a cop!): "[i]suggesting that insurance payments and the bipa ..."

[i]Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM)[/b][/i][/s][/u]: " 1. He farted in front of the Pope! (Hee! Hee! He ..."

ShainS -- Blood-Bath-and-Beyond angel investor [/b][/i][/s][/u] : "I saw Subway Sushi open for Samurai Attack at Time ..."

Recent Entries
Search


Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64