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March 16, 2006

Actual, Real Will Durst Quotes

And this is his best stuff. He chose these major ha-has to promote himself on his website.

Maybe they sound better before they were translated from the original Retardese.

Anyway:

I'd accuse the Democrats of being afraid of their own shadow, but I have yet to be convinced they actually cast one.

You can't accuse me of bias here: that joke is anti-Democratic, but it's still not funny. What the hell is that? They don't cast shadows? Like... what does that even fucking mean? That they're... ghosts? Incorporeal? Transparent? What?

Bush says he looked into Putin's eyes and saw his soul. Fortunately, Putin was gracious enough not to mention he looked into Bush's ear and saw daylight on the other side.

He's got an empty head, you see. Not funny, but at least, I guess, this counts as a joke with a punchline. I could see five year olds thinking that was pretty funny.

Although I think five-year-olds would get a bigger kick out of it if he said ... he looked into Bush's ear and saw nothing but POOP.

Actually, I think that works better for adults, too.

Dubyah's Healthy Forests Initiative encourages logging, his Clear Skies Bill allows for more pollution. You can understand why seniors are afraid his Social Security Reform might legislate a quota of old people.

Did I mention he had selected these bon mots as "Durst Quotables"?

Who would would quote that?

Cheney has a pacemaker the size of a garage door opener. The first Vice President susceptible to assassination by microwave.

These just don't seem to make any sense. I mean, kind of, I guess. But they're not funny.

I'm glad Schwarzenegger is Governor of California. We have once again wrestled the mantle of madcap away from Florida. We are Colliephonia: The state that put the "mock" in Democracy.

"Mantle of madcap?" Who the hell has talked like that since the 1880's? Who's writing his gags for him, Professor Moriarity? The Scarlet Pimpernel, maybe?

Maybe he cribbed that one from Edgar Allen Poe's Treasury Of Pick-Up Lines And Party Jokes.

And: "The state that put the 'mock' in Democracy."

He's a professional comic, guys. He gets paid for stuff like that.

PETA says we shouldn't eat fish because they have feelings too. The hell are we supposed to eat? Fruit? Vegetables? What's next? "Please don't agitate the Brussel Sprouts' self-esteem?"

Again: politically, this is a "joke" that should appeal to me. But... it's so amateurish and obvious. I wouldn't even write this one on a blog, for crying out loud.

Newt Gingrich has not ruled out a run for the Oval Office in 08. President Newt. That's scarier than the Dennis Hastert Swimsuit Calendar.

Which is half as scary as, "Your in-flight entertainment tonight will be three hours of Will Durst making jokes about Brussel sprouts."

Still can't find Osama. The six foot nine inch Arabian guy traipsing around the Khyber Pass dragging behind him a solar-powered Kidney Dialysis Machine from Sharper Image.

This joke is told by everyone, including f'n' Alan Colmes for crying out loud, in one variation or another.

Again-- these are "Will Durst Quotables." This is his top-drawer stuff. This is his comedy resume.

If Hillary becomes President, that makes Bill the First Lady. And knowing his sexual proclivities, that means he's the first First Lady to be a lesbian. Okay. Maybe not.

I get it-- Bill Clinton's horny, and he'll have sex with women, right?

"Okay. Maybe not."

Truer words have never been spoken.

Thanks to Allah.

I'll Admit... This one would be passable, on a blog:

What's the deal with his marriage to Maria Shriver? What is that: phase one in a genetic experiment to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy? Have you seen her lately? She looks like Skeletor's great aunt. Those cheekbones, you could slice open envelopes with those puppies.

But then I'm a sucker for a Skeletor joke. The ending line is horrible, though.

Actually, minus the word "Skeletor" and the "bullet-proof Kennedy" line, this joke has to be completely rewritten by a professional to be borderline funny.


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posted by Ace at 04:40 PM

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