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March 28, 2005

In Case You Missed It: Phone Sex With Pat O'Brien (?)

Posted late on a Friday, insuring that only half of the site's readers would see it. So I'm reposting. Sue me.

Okay, I don't know if this is Pat O'Brien at all. This site says it is, but who knows? I sure don't. Doesn't even really sound like him. (Ahem... am I covered?)

I don't know... phone sex via answering machine? Is this a wise idea?

Unfolding events would seem to indicate it's not, in fact, a wise idea.

It's also probably not a good idea to bring up hookers, drugs, and three-ways on a recorded message. For the love of everything holy-- even I know that.

And one more thing: At one point, in attempting to have phone sex with a cassette tape, he announces "I don't do this for a living."

He doesn't?

He doesn't have phone sex with women for a living? Shut up, really?

I didn't even know there was such a gig. What the hell am I still doing working at Orange Julius?

Major content warning. Whoever this is, he ain't quoting Shakespearean sonnets to his beloved, make no mistake about that.

Thanks to, ahem, "Lipstick Dynamite."

I wonder if Lipstick Dynamite sent this because it has something to do with the Tulip Revolution in Kyrgsztan.

I'll tell ya one thing-- this tape is going to make watching women's gymnastics a lot more interesting. Gotta wonder what the guy might be thinking he'd like to do to Kerri Strug.

This sort of calls for a top ten... but damnit, I don't know if I can. I would have to pick up stuff from the tape for the top ten, and even I haven't been that dirty.

Yet.

Welll... you've been warned.

Content Warning. Serious Content Warning. No kidding, what follows is really dirty and definitely not safe for work.


You've been warned. Not so much "funny" as "true." Obviously, you should listen to the tape first.

Top Ten Censored Pat O'Brien Televised Comments

10. "And she sticks the dismount! Boy, I'd like to really go just crazy on that ass."

9. "From a double-lutz to a triple-toe-loop to a death spiral... the crowd loves that. You know who else loves that? My throbbing cock. And so does my girlfriend Betsy."

8. "Looks like Larry Bird is going to call a time out to try to ice this rally... You guys ever fantasize about Larry Byrd in your bedroom? No, no, I don't mean in a gay way. I just mean I'd want him to watch. Jeff can watch too; I don't care."

7. "And thanks a lot for that report, Leeza. In the interests of full disclosure, I should mention that you're so fuckin' hot, and I want my girlfriend Betsy to eat you."

6. "We're down to the Sweet Sixteen and the house is rockin'. I'm here with Marv Albert, whom I mentioned to Betsy, and she's into him, and I'm into him too. We're going to take a commercial break, during which time I'm going to go crazy on Marv."

5. "Thank you for the insight, Mary Lou Retton. I'm so fuckin' into you... I want to lick your ass. Betsy does too."

4. "I'm sorry, I have an update on that last piece. Betsy is no longer into it, Mary Lou. But I still want to suck your tits. I want to go crazy on you. I don't know... I don't do this for a living."

3. "More information on this fast-breaking story... Mary Lou, we can still go crazy on each other. But you have to pay attention to Betsy. Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom."

2. "Shaquille O'Neal, you just scored 38 points this game... How do you feel? And, as a follow-up: you are so fucking hot. I am so fucking into you. Betsy's so fucking jealous, but I want to make you come sooo much. I don't know why I'm like this. But I want you badly, and I know you want me."

...and the Number One Censored Pat O'Brien Televised Comment...

1. "Hi, I'm Pat O'Brien with a Public Service Announcement. Don't do drugs, kids. There are a lot of better things to do with your life than drugs-- things like sucking my cock, letting me lick your ass, and maybe getting together with some hookers and having sex and drugs and just going crazy on each other... oh, wait, no. Forget about the drugs, kids-- Drugs are bad. Just the hookers and sex, then. And oh yeah-- Betsy might be into it, too."

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posted by Ace at 03:01 AM

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