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May 04, 2016

Liveblogging the Horrific Star Wars Movie

Sorry, I started watching Star Wars. So far, I'm bored.

They introduced the Han replacement. He immediately put the Secret Data into a Cute, Plucky Droid That Speaks in Babbles and Squeaks. Then he got captured by a a dude in a black mask.

Well! I've never seen that before! At least not with dude being the the one captured!

Oh, now the R2 replacement is wandering the desert to deliver the information to a Luke replacement-- and check it out! she's a Girl!

Did I just blow your mind?

um, the r2 replacement got captured by a weird looking small statured desert scavenger, who delivered the r2 replacement to the luke replacement.

Are you fucking kidding me with this garbage?

Oh instead of the bones of a large dead monster in the desert, the Luke analogue was by the body of an old dead AT-AT Walker.

Now the Darth analogue is torturing the Leia analogue (who's a dude).

Um, this is just Star Wars again with gender flips.

And why are the good guys the "Resistance"? DID THEY NOT WIN THE WAR IN THE LAST TRILOGY? What are they resisting? Succumbing to the blandishments of power?

Seriously, the Han analogue is kept in a place that looks like the death star.

The guy rescuing him just took off his Stormtrooper helmet and said "I'm rescuing you." Like in the other movie.

Now they're pretending it's a prisoner transfer. Like in the other movie.

This is a garbage movie made by garbage people.

They're in a TIE fighter, escaping.


They have to "take out cannons or we're not going to get very far." But they have to travel the length of the Star Destroyer to find the lasers to destroy (seems like they could have been avoided) then the just blow up like one of them.

Um, now they're teaming up to shoot down threats, just like in Star Wars (except now they're shooting incoming missiles rather than TIE fighters).

Garbage.

I don't know why the TIE fighter blew up after it sank into the quicksand.

Now we get the "Stand on the cliff and look down at Mos Eisley" shot.

Garbage.

Not-Darth just said "I want that map" like Darth said "I want those plans." He also said something like "I don't care what it takes" like Darth did.

Garbage.

The white girl just attacked the black guy randomly and accused him of being a thief. #Aggressed

There's some running and shooting and Chasey Music now. It's boring. Garbage.

There's also some lame flirtation and a sex-role-reversal where the black dude's trying to protect the girl but GET THIS it's actually the girl who knows how to protect the dude. #BlowYerMind #ThisIsntTheFiftiesAnymore

They stole a #NostalgiaItem and there is further shooting and Chasey Music.

BTW they're teaching themselves to fly a spaceship on the, um, fly.

"I'm getting pretty good at this" = "Spinning! That's a good idea!"

It's like they took the plot elements, chase sequences, objects, locations, and dialogue from the first three movies and just swapped different elements in different scenes. So like they have the fly-through-the-spaceship part of Return of the Jedi in the part of Star Wars where Luke and Han fight off the TIE Fighters. (Yeah, a second incidence of that.)

Now Not-Darth is getting all Voice Modulated and Angry about his Generals' incompetence. Boy where have I seen this before?!?!

He's strangling a general. #TheInnovation!

Fixing the #NostalgiaItem now with humorous yelling. I've never seen such cute character interplay, except in the other movies!

#NostalgiaItem is now being dragged into the enemy ship by tractor beams.

Give me a break.

Oh my god they're hiding in the cargo hold spaces.

Garbage.

Okay cute reversal -- the enemy ship wasn't as expected.

Basically, so far, this is, in Mr. Plinkett's words, a movie for babies.

Nerd #FanService with a #CallbackQuote for bonus #Nostalgia.

"Moofmilker" = "Nerfherder"

OMG, Han's problem in this movie is that he OWES A SMUGGLER LORD MONEY!!!

Guy who speaks with Greedo's voice is now saying Han is going to die.

"I've got a bad feelling about this" - CHECK THAT BOX!!!

Um, large thing rolling towards harrison ford in tight corridor = Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Seriously this movie is like VH-1's newest show, "Hey, Remember the Star Wars Trilogy?" They should have Michael Ian Black commenting. Like, "Oh, and when we saw Boba Fett, we just all thought he was sooo cool."

Another #NostalgiaItem Callback.

Also, this sequence is a variation of the mynock cave.

There is an Emperor Replacement because of course. He is slightly different than the other one. But just because there's CGI now.

So horrible: Not-Darth has a familial connection to a Main Hero Character.

I might honestly just turn this crap off.

Another #NostaligiaItem callback to the first movie (chessboard).

The R2-replacement is now projecting his Secret Data.

Luke was training new jedi. One boy betrayed him, turned against him. Come on, you can do better than this. Or I guess you can't.

Hero always refuses the Call to Adventure. Says she has to get home. That is of course from Hero With a 1000 Faces. I guess that's not a ripoff since all movies do that. Still.

Cantina Replacement follows hero's refusal of the Call to Adventure.

This movie is actually cheaper looking than I expected. Was not wowed by Cantina Ripoff Scene. Music was boring and sounded like Reggae. Didn't sound spacey like the actual cantina's did.

I might put on 50 Shades of Gray again.

The other hero, Finn, now Refuses the Call to Adventure. I guess they all have to. It's in their Heroic Contract.

This movie is very derivative and bland. There's nothing interesting or new or *real*. Just all flashbacks and stuff. It's not terrible, but it's annoying they think they can just shove nostalgia callbacks at me and i'll just applaud Because Reference Recognized!!!

Wouldn't it be great if one hero didn't refuse the call to adventure but instead when he was invited to go on an adventure in the stars said "Fuck yeah, I'm comin'!!!"

Series of hallucinations which generally resemble Luke's Trial in the Cave on Deggobah.

Ugh, this stupid little orange Linda Hunt alien appears to be a damn Yoda replacement -- sex reversed, obviously!!!

Now she's giving a Yoda speech.

Fuck this movie. Fuck it very hard.

Were critics and rightwing nerdbloggers paid to claim this movie was good?

Now we see the Destruction of Alderaan. The innovation? We see it briefly from the perspective of people on Alderaan. Here's the takeaway: Laser beams that blow up entire planets look even dumber from close up.

Here's a ripoff/homage to the original: Stormtrooper armor is as useless as ever.

Chase through the jungle. 98% chance we'll be on speederbikes or some other small personal transports soon.

MAJOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Han Solo likes using Chewie's bowcaster. Apparently, in 60 years, he never once shot it before. #Whatever

This movie's plot is like a videogame's "story." It *sort of* connects different scenes, in obvious and ham-handed ways, but you know the whole point is just to get to the next Level Boss.

No speederbikes. I'm kinda disappointed that "shooting on real locations with practical effects" looks kinda as terrible as Lucas' CGI. There's just no reality here.

Oh, god. Now they've even got Jabba the Hutt as part of the Resistance.

Nevermind, it's Leia.

Movie takes a big jump up in quality as it addresses a glaring defect it had had until now: Not enough Homosexual Robot Butlers. Check that box!

Luke/Han hug flashback.

Hint: Never name a main villain "Snoke" unless you're JK Fucking Rowling. It sounds stupid.

Female Luke Replacement now in a torture device like Han was in Empire. Also, evil guy saying stuff about her "friends."

Vader Replacement has lot of tricks other jedi/sith didn't. Like full-on mindreading.

Vader Replacement looks dumb outside the context of Lena Dunham's snootch.

This movie makes me pine for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

#JediMindTrick, completely untrained. #GarbageMovieMadeByGarbagePeople

F*** this movie. Luke had to go to Degobah to learn the Jedi Mind Trick. This girl does it without even anyone explaining the force to her. She just does it.

New sequence -- just introduced in a videogamish "Now here's the new mission" way -- is to do exactly what they did in Return of the Jedi -- some heroes disabling the shields so that the other heroes can fly ships into the big building ship and blow it up from the outside.

Leia looks like Overweight Caitlyn Jenner. It's alarming. I'm feeling feelings I don't feel a boy should feel!!!

This movie is pure garbage. I can't stress that enough. It's seriously crap for babies and nerds who just want to believe in something. Save your money.

This movie is seriously getting worse and it didn't start out that good.

This movie should be called Star Wars: Trump Force.

The only character I like is Chewbacca.

Direct shot swipe of Leia skuking aboard the Rebel Blockade Runner (first moments of Star Wars). It's good because I like References that I Recognize!

Now there's a bit of a ripoff of the Star Wars cross-the-chasm-in-the-death-star part (where luke uses his grapple line). The chick just scales the walls.

Kind of a ripoff of the Battle of Hoth now. I don't know what they're going to ripoff for the sequel. They've pillaged all the old references in this one.

#Innovation: *These* X-wings are black (and kind of ugly).

Han Solo's role in this is to be an older Alec Guinness.

They've even got a *Porkins* Replacement!

Solo shooting up the Death Star corridor ripoff. I'll stop pointing out the homages and ripoffs. That's all this fucking movie is.

1, this "Starkiller" set is ugly and dumb. It doesn't look cool like the death star sets. It's "darker," yet dumb.

2. Once you know the size of the main stage at Twickenham studios or whatever, it's hard not to notice all the Big Sets fit into that same space.

I'm seeing more pointless CGI than I was promised.

Noticing once again that in the Star Wars universe, architects routinely save money by not putting in handrails on bridges over infinitely deep pits. They're just like, "Nah, it'll ruin the aesthetic we're going for anyway."

I can't tell you how hard I'm rejecting Adam Driver as a Big Bad. The only thing he menaces is Lena Dunham's dirty sexpit.

In Star Wars, Luke didn't fight Vader until he'd been trained. Again, this movie is like Training Schmaining. People just instantly become Jedi Adepts.

Another Training Schmaining moment, as another character does something Luke couldn't do until he had been practicing with the Force for a whole movie (and several years).

More shit I've already seen -- Death Star trench ripoff.

Not to exaggerate, but this movie is worse than The Holocaust. Hitler can now breathe easy -- he's only the #2 villain.

The White Supremacists must love this movie. "It's the movie that proves Hitler wasn't so bad after all!"

Villain says, "You need a teacher! I could show you the ways of the force!" Dude, the chick just blew through three years of Jedi training in like five minutes using her own intuition. She could teach you.

Annnnnd... she did just teach him.

OUT: The Force is a powerful ally, but to master it, study you must

IN: Training Schmaining, I'm young and cute

I can't believe this movie is almost over. I felt nothing. About anything. Except contempt and hatred for my fellow man.

I'm beginning to understand why people beat up nerds. Nerds, they seem to want to like things, even if they're rubbish. They all agree this rubbishy thing is awesome and somehow this is a signal-and-countersignal in their Nerd Covens.

Because this movie is a jackass piece of drecky shit.

It's not exilerating or adventurous or joyous. It's a sloggy grind through #NostalgiaDumps and #CGIBullshit. Cartoon heroes shoot cartoon bullets at each other. It tries for an emotional impact it just doesn't have any right to.

All I can say is: People in this movie recover from allegedly traumatic events very quickly. Because they have to. It's in the script that the ending be upbeat.

Wait, is this movie not almost ending? Shit, I was hoping that was it.

F*** me. Was that just Act II?

I feel like 1940s Imperious Director Guy -- "I asked you for magic! You've given me muddle!"

Okay no that was it.

It's over.

I loved it!!! Four stars!!!! Recaptures all the excitement and wonder of the original!!!!

Update: of the four movies I liveblogged -- Specter, Star Wars: Force Unleashed, Jurassic World, and 50 Shades of Gray -- I think I have to say 50 Shades of Gray was the least offensively bad.

Update: Boring, "let's learn the history of the American blues and reggae tradition" cantina music was written by the idiot who wrote Hamilton, because of course.



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posted by Ace at 06:22 PM

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