North America, F*** Yea! [WeirdDave]

If you've ever wondered what would happen if I wrote one of these OT threads while snockered, well, you're in luck because I did just that late one night this past week. Presented without comment (from me, I'm sure y'all will have a bunch).


My wife is fiercely, proudly Canadian, the embodiment of all that that means. At the same time I am fiercely, proudly American, representative of all that we stand for. So, suppose we merged these two things through song (Gingy and I have already merged them through our children, and we merge them IRL every day).

Canadian Girls by Dean Brody



She grew up watching hockey
With her daddy on Saturday nights
He taught her how to tie her skates
Her brothers taught her how to fight
She can wear high heels or flannel
She can look sexy in a touque
She likes snow storms and Gordon Lightfoot
And if you're lucky she'll love you
Canadian girls, Canadian girls
Irresistable, lovable trouble though sometimes girls
We can travel the world
From New York to Paris France
But we're always gonna come back
Canadian girls
Baby she likes to snow board
Spends her summers out on a boat
Thinks a perfect night out is a cabin
Smell of coffee on an old wood stove
She won't admit she watched Degrassi
She proud but she's sometimes quiet
True northern national treasure
She'd give her life for Red and White
Canadian girls, Canadian girls
Irresistable, lovable trouble though sometimes girls
We can travel the world
From New York to Paris France
But we're always gonna come back
Canadian girls
Us boys we like our fishing
Our hockey and Ron McLean
We like moose head beer and white tail deer
Stompin Tom and the UFC
We like our foreign ladies
Their accents are really nice
But there aint nothing like our northern girls
To keep us warm at night
Canadian girls, Canadian girls
Irresistible, lovable trouble though sometimes girls
We can travel the world

From New York to Paris France
But were always gonna come back
Canadian girls
From the mountains to the ocean sands
Tuktoyaktuk to Newfoundland
Yeah you keep us coming back
Canadian girls

American Heart by Jon David.


They say
Our reputation
Needs a new coat of paint and a delicate melody
But I say
I like the bruises
And a melody don't mean a thing
If we don't have the strength to sing
I won't be made to ever feel ashamed...
...that I'm American made
I got American parts
Got American faith
In America's heart
Go on raise the flag
I got stars in my eyes
I'm in love with her
And I won't apologize
They say
That we need changin'
As if all the Founding Fathers seem to get it wrong
But I say
I still believe in
the greatest Liberator, Innovator, Cultivator
Freedom's ever known
So I suggest you take a look inside
I think you changed already
You went and lost your pride
But I'm American made
I got American parts
Got American faith
In America's heart
Go on raise the flag
I got stars in my eyes
I'm in love with her
And I won't apologize
Dress her up so that you don't recognize her
She'll still be there if you wake up in the night
'Cause a mother can always find her child
Even when that child don't know he's lost
I'm American made
I got American parts
Got American faith
In America's heart
Go on raise the flag
I got stars in my eyes
I'm in love with her
And I won’t apologize
I'm in love with her
And I won't apologize
I'm in love with her
And I won't apologize

I'm going to keep coming back to my Canadian girl. I hope she'll keep coming back to my American heart.


Canada and the United States are the grandest pinnacle of the grandest culture and civilization in the history of the world. What are you going to counter with? Arab savagery? Russian Despotism? Chinese conformity? Keep trying bub. South American banana republics? African poverty? European condescension and light socialism (made possible by the good old US of A financing their defense for 50 years)? You're not even in the ballpark. Together Canada and America could solve all the world's problems, if we only had the balls to do it. Anyone who doesn't like that is cordially invited to eat my fuck.


No matter. I won't apologize, and if that's my epithet, so be it.
On second thought, I want this to be my epithet, from the brilliant P.J. O'Rourke:

We're the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We're three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother's side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn't give us room to park our cars. We're the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d'Antibes. And we've got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go. You say our country's never been invaded? You're right, little buddy. Because I'd like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who'd have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying 'Cheerio.' Hell can't hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen, and jack of all Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.

posted by Open Blogger at 10:00 AM

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