DOOMSDAY PRODUCT REVIEW [@PurpAv]

This product was given a full 24 hours to deliver on its promises. We found the ads appealing and packaging ample, but the assembly instructions were lacking in critical details, and key parts were missing from the hardware package forcing us to make a midnight trip to Walmart to complete assembly.

Once assembled, the doomsday proved an impressive sight and was generously festooned with mesmerizing shiny things. We gazed at it for hours in this state of unactivated repose. It really was an impressive, albeit ominous and menacing, presence.

The proof of course is always in the pudding. What precisely would it do when the batteries were installed and it was switched on? Could this glittering apparatus of planetary destruction deliver the goods using only the 4 included D cells?

Admittedly, we were skeptical. One would presume such a highly billed product capable of ending worlds needs a bit more power than the Energizer bunny. Perhaps it would draw its real power from the space-time fabric and the D cells were only needed to open the gateway and power a few flashing LED's for show to make it look like something was going on?

Anyway, we flipped the switch. Not much happened other than some LED's started flashing. OK, destroying worlds can take some time, we understand that. So, off to McD's to spend our last hours on earth snarfing down Dollar Menu items like there was no tomorrow, whist the doomsday worked its magic.

Get home, still nothing. OK, maybe destroying the world is kinda an overnight thing, like letting paint dry. The LED's are still flashing furiously, so the D cells haven't gone flat yet. Maybe this thing works like a flux capacitor? It's gotta charge up through the space-time power source before its hellish nature can be released? Of course, that's the ticket. It simply needs to charge up. By morning, we'll be ready to see this doomsday really kicking it.

We bound out of bed. The sun is shining. Its a new day and the LED's are still flashing! Outstanding. But, nothing else is going on either...

...its not even humming. Horrible engines of destruction should at least hum shouldn't they? Of course they should. They always do in the movies. Perhaps we were sold a defective doomsday? Even the best products have occasional DOA's. After all, it did come with a money back lifetime warranty printed on very elegant high rag content watermarked certificate suitable for framing. The TV ads confidently proclaimed "worlds destroyed, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back".

OK, so we're gonna take a look inside and see if maybe its just a loose wire or something simple like that. We grab a screwdriver and pry off the cover marked “Dangerous! High Voltage! No user serviceable parts inside! Warranty void if removed!” and we peek inside. Nothing there. No guts. No machinery. No space-time portal generators. There's just a few crumpled up Twinkie wrappers, a glob of chewing gum, and a dead cockroach.

When I was a little kid, I thought those "X-Ray Specs" would work too, but they didn't.

posted by Open Blogger at 03:48 AM

| Access Comments