Sponsored Content
« Overnight Open Thread (21 Dec 2012) | Main | Saturday Morning Open Thread »
December 22, 2012


This product was given a full 24 hours to deliver on its promises. We found the ads appealing and packaging ample, but the assembly instructions were lacking in critical details, and key parts were missing from the hardware package forcing us to make a midnight trip to Walmart to complete assembly.

Once assembled, the doomsday proved an impressive sight and was generously festooned with mesmerizing shiny things. We gazed at it for hours in this state of unactivated repose. It really was an impressive, albeit ominous and menacing, presence.

The proof of course is always in the pudding. What precisely would it do when the batteries were installed and it was switched on? Could this glittering apparatus of planetary destruction deliver the goods using only the 4 included D cells?

Admittedly, we were skeptical. One would presume such a highly billed product capable of ending worlds needs a bit more power than the Energizer bunny. Perhaps it would draw its real power from the space-time fabric and the D cells were only needed to open the gateway and power a few flashing LED's for show to make it look like something was going on?

Anyway, we flipped the switch. Not much happened other than some LED's started flashing. OK, destroying worlds can take some time, we understand that. So, off to McD's to spend our last hours on earth snarfing down Dollar Menu items like there was no tomorrow, whist the doomsday worked its magic.

Get home, still nothing. OK, maybe destroying the world is kinda an overnight thing, like letting paint dry. The LED's are still flashing furiously, so the D cells haven't gone flat yet. Maybe this thing works like a flux capacitor? It's gotta charge up through the space-time power source before its hellish nature can be released? Of course, that's the ticket. It simply needs to charge up. By morning, we'll be ready to see this doomsday really kicking it.

We bound out of bed. The sun is shining. Its a new day and the LED's are still flashing! Outstanding. But, nothing else is going on either...

...its not even humming. Horrible engines of destruction should at least hum shouldn't they? Of course they should. They always do in the movies. Perhaps we were sold a defective doomsday? Even the best products have occasional DOA's. After all, it did come with a money back lifetime warranty printed on very elegant high rag content watermarked certificate suitable for framing. The TV ads confidently proclaimed "worlds destroyed, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back".

OK, so we're gonna take a look inside and see if maybe its just a loose wire or something simple like that. We grab a screwdriver and pry off the cover marked “Dangerous! High Voltage! No user serviceable parts inside! Warranty void if removed!” and we peek inside. Nothing there. No guts. No machinery. No space-time portal generators. There's just a few crumpled up Twinkie wrappers, a glob of chewing gum, and a dead cockroach.

When I was a little kid, I thought those "X-Ray Specs" would work too, but they didn't.

digg this
posted by Open Blogger at 03:48 AM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
thatcrazyjerseyguy now with twice the crazy: "The number of my regrets about pulling up stakes a ..."

Martini Farmer: "Yea, that NOOD be broke good. ..."

[/i][/b]andycanuck (Vwz3I)[/s][/u]: "OH NO!!! We're trapped in the Twilight Zone be ..."

rhennigantx: " J J ..."

Joe Mannix (Not a cop!): "Broken MR NOOD ..."

Joe Mannix (Not a cop!): "In my day we walked five miles, uphill both ways, ..."

DB - : "In my day we walked five miles, uphill both ways, ..."

Lost In Space: "How about that Apple Vision Pro that costs $3500 a ..."

rhennigantx: "Biden Tells Kansas City Chiefs He Played Freshman ..."

Christy Moran: "More than $15k can be earned online by performing ..."

Christy Moran: "More than $15k can be earned online by performing ..."

Christy Moran: "More than $15k can be earned online by performing ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64