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May 10, 2009

Sunday Open Thread - UPDATED

Happy Mother's Day to all our motherly readers.

Also, don't forget to call your mom and tell her how much you love her. If she put up with all of your crap, she's gotta be one heckuva classy dame.

Feel free to use this as an open thread.

UPDATE [D in T]: A Mother's Day Nearly-Epic Poem.


For Mom, on Mom’s Day

You put up with my crap, with tenderness and patience, and by
patience I mean threats about dad coming home,
but I didn’t mind. I was giving you grief that day
and I had it coming.
Lots of days actually, but who’s counting?
Not me. Not me.
Also, sorry about saying crap. My bad.

I often wondered about whether I was your favorite,
since there were three others, but they were girls, and I was
the oldest, so I figure “yeah. I was”.
Which is cool for me but will still mess them up
Even though they’re all in their forties now. Well, except for one
but she’s close. HA! They’re old!
So am I, but they are girls and it sucks more to be old and a girl.
I mean, except for you.
And, except for all the other girls reading this.
Really, I just kinda said that “sucks“ thing. It doesn’t mean nuthin.

Remember that time I stepped on the nail and came home and bled all
over the kitchen? That was cool. The nail came out the
top of my sneaker and I crawled home from next
door (you yelled at the neighbor for leaving those
boards out. I think you were mad), and I came in and took my
shoe off and man, I bled all over everything. Then we went to the
doctor and he said I didn’t need stitches but he gave me a tetanus
shot and I puked after that. On you.
Sorry about that. You were standing kinda close.

There were lots of nice moments, in the kitchen especially,
That’s where you loved us with food. Moms do that.
Lots of food cause there were four of us and I could
eat a lot, but you know that already.
Remember when I’d come home for visits and look in the
fridge? You thought that was weird, but I was just hungry. That’s all.
I remember the casseroles you used to make. They still haunt me.

And you let me drive the station wagon cause dad had the Plymouth at work.
Come to think of it the station wagon was a Chrysler. Dad sure had a
hard on for Chryslers didn’t he? Sorry, I didn’t mean to say
hard on. That was wrong of me and I apologize.
Anyway I drove that thing and I have to admit, I was pretty
impressed a girl like you could figure out that whole pushbutton automatic
transmission thing. That was fucked up, wasn’t it? Push button automatic
transmission. Oh crap, I said fuck.
Didn’t meant that. Sorry.

I know there was a bunch of other stuff I did that ticked you off, but
I found out you get a giant “get out of jail free” card with a grandkid.
I did not know that, or I would have done it sooner.
Not ‘it‘. I was already doing that, I meant, oh you know what I mean.
Anyway I didn’t know that you could forgive every dumb thing I did if
I just had a kid. That was pretty cool.

So that worked out ok. Then I had another one and then all my sisters started
spittin em out and you were surrounded by them. I think you liked that a lot.
I know I teased you sometimes about confusing words like
Norm Crosby did, which irritated you because I don’t think
you knew who he was. But you would say stuff like “I’m flustrated”
and I would correct you. Even though I thought it was pretty
funny, I wouldn’t do that now. I was a smart ass punk
kid, who just thought he knew things.
Anyway I’m sorry about that.

You always insisted that I try to be polite. I still try, but
Sometimes I’m not. More now than when I was a kid
though, perhaps that’s something. Maybe.

One of the things I always meant to ask you, and never did
was how come when you took us all to swimming lessons you
never learned to swim.
I always wondered about that. Just curious really. I think you
just thought it was important that we learn. We did.

I have a confession to make. Remember when you gave
me that old VCR? You know, the Sony? I mean, that was really
nice of you and I appreciated it and all, especially the thirty seven
tapes you had recorded, which I could have recorded over, I
admit, except that weekend I had already bought a new one, VHS (yeah),
and I didn’t use the one you gave us. I never told you that. Sorry.
Looking back, I kinda wish I had kept all those Bob Ross shows
you recorded. He was pretty cool. I didn’t know you were
such a fan, but I get that. He was all right.

Anyway it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and I thought I would do
something special to remember it by remembering some things.
I have a Mom to take care of here, so I better go get some
flowers or something, hadn’t I? Just kidding, I already got some stuff.
Also thanks for all the guilt. I know you tried your best, but
I have some pretty good character flaws and it mostly didn’t
work. Still, you weren’t the least bit deterred and I learned some
pretty good stuff to use on my kids so thanks.

Okaaaaaay, the crying stuff, that pretty much always worked. Crap,
don’t cry! Sorry I said crap again.
I’ll work on it, ok?
Happy Mom’s Day, Mom.

digg this
posted by Gabriel Malor at 10:59 AM

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