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April 09, 2009

E-mail of the day.

On one of my former blogs, I had a feature called "Ask Jack" where I would answer questions on any topic posed to me by readers.

That's an easy feature to have when you have about 2 dozen readers. Since Ace has way more than 2 dozen readers (I think he's up to about 4 score, which I am told is more) I don't do that here.

However, I couldn't resist the following e-mail. What can I say? I live to serve.

Dear Jack M.,

You seem like the only regular coblogger who has ever dated a member of the opposite sex. You also seem like the kind of guy who gets dumped a lot.

I want to end a relationship with a guy, but I want him to think it's his idea because I'm a wimp. Can you give me advice on how to do this? I'm sure you know.

*Name Withheld*

Well, flattery like that will get you everywhere! So let's answer the question.


Jack's Rules to Ensure You Don't Get Called Back.

What you are really asking me, NW, is what can a woman do to make sure a guy loses all interest. So, here are some tips which may or may not have developed out of personal experience.

1. Lie about watching Sportscenter-

Women do this all the time, particularly in the "first getting to know you phase". It's really pretty transparent, so, please, stop.

Look, it isn't any fun for me to follow up your assertion by asking you "Oh Yeah? Who is your favorite anchor?" only to have to stare at your deer-in-the-headlights expression as you desperately search for an answer. And, no, ladies, simply throwing out a first name like "Steve!" isn't an acceptable answer.

So look, if you'll lie about watching Sportscenter, that means you are probably lying about "playing fantasy football" or "being a big Steelers fan" too.

And if you'll lie about something that trivial just to get in my pants, you have lost my respect.

You'll got in my pants, sure, but respect? Forget about it. And I don't call back girls I don't respect. They call me.

2. Tell the Truth about watching "Sex and the City"-

No man sporting a pair of testicles (and I can probably widen the list to include uniballs like Lance Armstrong) gives a rats f'n ass about "Sex and the City."

If you admit to watching it, you are announcing to the world that you identify with:

A) A 90 year old whorebag;
B) A red-headed lesbian;
C) A phony, holier-than-thou goody-goody or
D) Matthew Broderick's sloppy seconds.

None, and I repeat, of these characters are attractive in the long term. Unless you, as the red headed lesbian, also have a hot and eager female friend.

Which seems unlikely. After all, if you did, why would you be wasting time watching "Sex and the City"?

Trust me on this: Just drop the phrase "I'm such a Miranda" into small talk and I guarantee you your phone won't ring again. Unless the guy you are dating is gay and wants fashion tips.

In which case, the relationship probably won't work anyway. So you have that going for you.

3. Admit to having your brothers name tattooed anywhere on your body-

I shouldn't even have to mention this rule. It's so freaking obvious.

Let me tell you something, here. A lot of guys (not me, but I've heard) are a little self-conscious about how their "performance" stacks up against the other men you may have dated.

And nothing makes Mr. Winky turn into Mr. Shrinky faster than having the thought "I wonder if she moans like this for her brother?" cross your mind. Trust me, it might turn on Angelina Jolie, but it doesn't do much for us.

Unless you are Angelina Jolie, in which case all is forgiven. Call me?

4. Talk about your "monthly visit from Aunt Flo"-

You know how you can tell a guy is a pussy? (Besides his posting under the name "Jack M.") You are at the gas station at 11:00 PM filling up the car for a night on the town, and you see some poor schmoe traipsing into the station with his head buried in his hoodie.

Is he about to rob the place? Probably not. Chances are he's on a late night "tampon run." It's basically the closest thing guys have to a "walk of shame."

NO GUY WANTS TO DO THIS. Ever. And it's not a case of "he would if he loved you." You could add that clause to the end of the following sentence "The King told the man considering a career as a palace eunuch 'you would if you loved me'." Doesn't really prove much, does it?

Ladies, most of us like our nuts just where they are, thank you. If you wanna spook a guy, drop in a talk about your cycle.

Because that's one of those things you women yammer on about ad nauseam once the ice on the subject has been broken. And if you are willing to talk about it, Lord knows you won't think twice about asking us to do that humiliating midnight run.

5. Insist on driving during the date-

There are certain things women should not do during a date. Insisting on driving is one of them.

Yes, I know we aren't in Saudi Arabia, and that you can drive freely in this country. Trust me, my insurance rate reflects this fact.

Nevertheless, if you and your fellow are going someplace together let him drive.

I could possibly make an exception here for Danica "Go Daddy" Patrick. But then, odds are, you aren't her. So give the guy the wheel.

It's like barbeque-ing. Anything that involves fire or internal combustion is the province of the male. Just as God intended.

You do believe in God, don't you?

Which brings me to my next rule:

6. Tell the guy you consider yourself to be "spiritual but not religious"-

And if that doesn't get him to raise an eyebrow, follow up with the phrase "And I practice Wicca."

Look. A lot of guys really don't care one iota about your religious practices. In fact, there is a pretty interesting contradiction in place here. The hotter you are the more likely it is that A) the guy doesn't care what the hell you believe or B) the guy will eagerly attend a Sunday service with you.

All this flies out the window when you claim to be Wiccan. Why don't you just do everyone a favor and announce that "from this moment forward, out of solidarity for Mother Gaea, I won't shave my legs or armpits and I may ask for a sample of your blood."

1% of the time the guy will hear this and think "Whoa, cool..Stevie Nicks!"

99% of the time the guy will hear this and think: "Whoa, dude...separate checks!"

7. Mention your spending habits in casual conversation-

This is sorta like your menstrual flow. It's something guys try really hard to ignore.

Put yourself in a dude's place for a second: You are on a date. You've taken your potential conquest someplace nicer than say "Taco Bell" (if you went there on the first date, you've peaked too soon!) and the dude is sitting at the table hoping against hope that all the cash he's splashing out of his last paycheck is going to make an impression.

So he's got money on his mind already. Especially when you start ordering all the fancy "appetizers" that you absolutely have to have because you saw Rachel Ray make something similar on the Food Network.

Now you are talking about how you "simply adore Prada" or asking if the guy likes your new Manolos. Or about how much freaking money you saved at Ann Taylor because you spent $1,000 but everything was 30% off!

You don't want a guy to compare you to a cash register, ladies. Why? Because that is a contest you will lose.

After all, if you put money into a cash register you can be pretty sure you can get something out of it anytime you want. Women? Not necessarily the case.

So if you want to drive a guy away, make him think about just how much dating you will cost.

8. Use the phrase "I can't wait for you to meet my family!" often.

Another secret. We hate your families. Seriously.

In fact, most guys secretly wish that their girlfriends were wealthy heiresses who also happened to be only children.


Because no guy wants to be a prop at your freaking family reunions, especially because most of them "just happen" to be scheduled when it's:

A) Baseball Season;
B) Basketball Season;
C) Football Season;
D) Hockey Season.

We don't want to feign interest in your snot-nosed nieces and nephews. We don't care what Uncle Earl thinks about, well, anything. We don't want to have to remember additional birthday's when it's all we can do to remember yours.

There is an exception to this rule. A technicality, really.

If your dad owns a boat, he's cool.

No one else gets a pass though. After all, it's "gas, grass or ass...nobody rides for free" and your Dad has kindly provided the conveyance.

9. Use the phrase "I can't wait until you meet my friends" often-

You know what hearing about "your friends" translates to when a guy hears it?

Freaking Weddings.

That's it.

Oh, we may ponder an idle thought or two about whether your friend is hot or "gettable", but we know that when all is said and done we likely won't nail her, but we will have to buy a gift for the dude who is.

No thanks.

And to make it worse, these days odds are good that there won't be an open bar at the rehearsal dinner or the actual ceremony. So who ends up shelling out for an ample supply of booze not just for himself but also for you during an event he doesn't want to be at for someone he doesn't know while hoping you don't vomit on the tux he just rented so that he won't lose the deposit? You know who.

Seriously, want to drive the guy away? Talk about making him hang out with your friends.

10. Talk about your last herpes outbreak.

Works like a charm.


So, there you go, NW. I hope that these rules help you with your relationship problem.

Be sure to e-mail me and let me know.

Be forewarned, though. If you don't follow my rules, I likely won't reply.

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posted by Jack M. at 07:53 PM

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