October 22, 2008

How to Sell a Crappy Old Futon on Craigslist

I want to buy this just for the story.

Uncomfortable, Ugly Futon with 2 Mattresses - $100

(Arlington, VA)
Reply to: sale-886807470@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-20, 6:08PM EDT

Got an unwanted houseguest? Interested in exacting revenge on a roommate or spouse? Have I got the futon for you. Your guests will never overstay their welcome if you make them sit, sleep or gaze upon this unholy piece of ďfurnitureĒ from hell. It changes from an ugly, uncomfortable sofa to an ugly, uncomfortable bed faster than you can say, ďI bought it on Craigslist.Ē

Did your spouse or significant other put you in charge of finding a futon for the guest room or rec-room? Whoopee. Lucky you. How would you like to NEVER be asked to make a furniture decision again? This, my friend, is the bad decision youíve been looking for. Did I mention it might be haunted? Oh yeah, itís so ugly and makes such strange, creaking noises it should be listed in the National Registry of Haunted Furniture. Iím not saying a horrible crime was committed on this futon, but itís got potential. After experiencing this futon, your spouse will never make you waste an entire Saturday at IKEA again.

Letís talk about the two mattresses. Theyíre beyond ugly. One has a pink and blue pattern that looks like someone spent 2 minutes designing it in Microsoft Paint. The airbrush tool is fun! Whee! The other mattress is poo-colored and lamely attempts to create some kind of Asian vibe. Yeah, throw some bamboo leaves over some concentric squares and zigzag lines. Brilliant! It looks about as Asian as David Carradine.

The futon is listed at $100, but Iím willing to accept more. Nothing stings a spouse like knowing exactly how much hard-earned cash went into buying an ugly, uncomfortable, possibly haunted piece of furniture. If you wanna supersize the sting, who am I to stand in your way?

Itís an affront to good taste and comfort, and it might be just right for you.

This guy will have bids of $500 or more by the end of the day.

Thanks to Dave at Garfield Ridge.

More: Need cement blocks? Frank Rizzo will sell you some fucking cement blocks, rubberneck.

Thanks to Erik.

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posted by Ace at 03:13 PM

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