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August 14, 2008

Police Confirm Cyanide; Also Confirm Dead Man is Canadian

A man of the Canadian religion died a few hundred miles from the upcoming Democratic convention due to all that cyanide he had smuggled in.

Police say they do not suspect "foul play." No, really, they said that. Just your everyday, normal Canadian man dying while attempting to build a cyanide gas bomb. Nothing "foul play" about that. It's just some high-spirited college hijinks, like when those CalTech geeks steal a Stanford float and park it on top of a building, and then release a cloud of acidic poison into the air to kill half a stadium.

Don't worry, though. He only had a little cyanide. Not enough to kill half a stadium.

Just a pound or so, "enough to kill hundreds of people."

Police spokesman John White identified the white powder as sodium cyanide, the crystal form of cyanide. Fire officials say they found a bottle containing about a pound of the white powder, or between a pint and a quart by volume. An expert told the Denver Post that the amount of cyanide is enough to kill hundreds of people.

The medical examinerís office said it is awaiting test results to determine whether cyanide killed 29-year-old Saleman Abdirahman Dirie, of Ottawa, Canada. His body was found Monday inside Room 408 at The Burnsley Hotel, which is about four blocks from the state Capitol. White said Dirie had been dead for several days. Friends told The Ottawa Sun that he was dead six days before he was discovered.

Foul play is not suspected and his death appears to be an isolated incident, White said. The FBIís Joint Terrorism Task Force is assisting in the investigation but FBI spokeswoman Kathy Wright said the incident has no apparent connection to terrorism.

Alarmingly, however, the man was found amidst paraphenalia indicating he may be a Canadian extremist -- including Bryan Adams concert t-shirts and a copy of the "Canadian extremist training video" Teen Wolf, starring Michael J. "The Engineer" Fox.

A note beside his bed stated "There is no god but Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier is his wingman."

Nothing to see here folks. Happens every day.

Thanks to Rocket's Brain Trust.


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posted by Ace at 01:37 AM

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