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June 25, 2008

Anyone worried about the "Heller" case after some of the Supremes' latest rulings?

Based on the court's findings that foreign terrorists captured & held overseas during the course of a war (or "unlawful police action" if you're Congressman Persnickety McPendantfairy Paul(R?, Twilight Zone) or one of his ilk) have the right to hearings in front of American Civilian courts, and their new finding that aggravated rape of a child does not rise to the level of a capital crime, I'm starting to worry that the DC v. Heller decision is going to be another 5-4 abomination.

Because I'm all about derivative humor & stealing the hard-earned schtick of others, hows about a "Top Ten Probable Findings in the Heller Decision" post? C'mon, it'll be fun! Besides, what else are you going to do for the next five minutes? Go down to the "McCain for President" campaign office and volunteer to work the phone banks? I think not.


10. Due to Justice Breyer's interpretation of the 14th Amendment, and the precedent found in the landmark "Spiccoli v. Hand" (1982) decision from the 9th Circuit, residents of the District of Columbia are no longer required to Fight for their Right to Party.

9. Because of a little-known clause in Somali tribal law, the court finds because of the infringement of his rights, that Mr. Heller is entitled to damages from the government of the District consisting of seventeen goats and two virginal young ladies. His guns? Oh, yeah, sorry about that. The DC PD went ahead and melted them down six months ago without authorization. Tell you what Mr. Heller, why don't you go into their evidence locker and pick out any three guns that aren't involved with current open murder investigations, and we'll call it even? Work for you?

8. Following the precedent set in "Kramer v. Kramer" (1981), Dustin Hoffman is awarded custody of all of Mr. Heller's firearms, with the provision that Mr. Heller is allowed annual visitation rights during the second week of every August, and the weekend before Christmas.

7. Mr. Heller is allowed to keep his guns, but is required to loan them to every mentally unbalanced taxi driver with a mohawk who shows up at his door muttering about how "Bu$Hitler is in league with the Reptillian aliens".

6. The Court finds that while the defendant presented a good case for Miller Lite having great taste, the plantiff's contention that Miller Lite is less filling is more convincing. Less filling prevails in a 6-2 decision (with Souter abstaining, because he's never actually tasted a beer. Or seen a boobie).

5. Kelo gets Heller's guns, Heller gets immunity from any charges of raping children, Dred Scott gets 40 acres and a mule, Miranda gets the land where Kelo's house was formerly located, and Roe v. Wade will be re-decided based on the results of a chicken wing eating contest between Ann Coulter and Bill Maher.

4. OK, Scalia....call it in the air. What's that? Heads? Sorry, it's tails. DC wins.

3. Based on an excerpt from Jefferson's letter to the Augusta Scientologists found in the Second Edition of "Stuff Jefferson Said, Volume 2" and the contents of Federalist #73, this Court finds that Residents of the District of Columbia are entitled to "keep and beare any gatts theye be needin' for to keepe their Pimpe Handes strong"; however, Ginsburg threatened to stop wearing underwear if we caved on gun control, so we decided that Firearms, Jeff Foxworthy DVD's, and any recordings of Lee Greenwood shall all be considered contraband within the boundaries of the District of Columbia, subject to seizure and immediate destruction. Don't like it? Suck it, America. We've got tenure.

2. The Court finds that while the party of the first part appears to be the individual who put the "bop in the bop she bop she bop"; clear and convincing evidence exists that indicate that the party of the second part was responsible for putting the "ram in the rama lama ding dong". Accordingly, we find that both parties deserve a handshake, but are also jointly liable for damages due to their false representation that the plaintiff's "baby fell in love with me".

And finally (because you're already sick of it; and, plus, we're at the end anyway, so you'd might as well stick around and read the last one, right?)....


1. We find that Heller et al have been constrained from possession of firearms contrary to their clear Second Amendment rights, and move that the District of Columbia shall allow all residents of the District to keep one .22 rimfire rifle, a single flintlock pistol (stored disassembled in a vault keyed to one of those kickass puzzle boxes from "Hellraiser"), and a plasma rifle (in the 40 megawatt range, of course) at their lawful residence. Any further accumulation of weaponry shall require said residents to obtain a "Federal License to Keep a Whole Shitload of Guns in Your Closet", said permits being issued by the same asshats responsible for "building the fence" in a relatively timely manner. OK, that's a wrap people. Who's up for wings and beer at Hooters?

Think you can do better? Add your own in the comments.

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posted by Russ from Winterset at 08:42 PM

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