An Epic Valentine's Day Poem for my sweetie, Fox News' Miss Suzanne Sena

As many of you know, Fox News' Miss Suzanne Sena and I have been engaged in a romantic relationship ever since I took her out for Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins during the Shamnesty Debate last summer.

Unfortunately, despite our attempts at discretion, Andrew Levy saw fit to use his position as Ombudsman on Red Eye to reveal our relationship to the world. The following youtube clip captures the moment that his treachery put my beloved Suzanne on the spot:

Normally, I would be mad at Levy for indulging his inner paparazzi. However, in hindsight, he actually did me a favor.

Because listen to what Suzanne says in the clip: "I'd like to know who this Jack guy is...." Ignore the rest of the clip...it's all background noise.

That indicates that our relationship is past the flirtation stage. It's in the phase where each partner wants to know every little quirk and interest and unique attribute that their potential soulmate shares.

So, as a Valentine's Day gift to Fox News' Miss Suzanne Sena, I present to her an epic poem all about yours truly. After all, what greater Valentine's Day gift can one give than a gift of one's self?

As always, my tenderly crafted work of art is buried beneath the jump as it is meant for Suzanne's eyes alone. If you feel you must intrude on our intimacy, you have only yourself to blame.

That's Why You Love Me

An Epic Poem

For Suzanne.

"I'd like to know more
about who
this Jack guy
is...."
she said when pressed.
Which means,
to me,
that she wants to know
why it is she
loves me so.

I thought about this question
for at least 5 minutes
no more
than 10.
And I realized that there were probably lots
of reasons I could speak.
So, Suzanne, my Valentine's Gift
to you
is the answer
you
seek.

Remember when we went to Central Park
and watched
the mime
trapped in the box?
And when
I ran out of the crowd
and tackled him so that
he would be free?
That's why you love me.
Because I care about my fellow man,
even if they are a stinkin' mime.

Or that time
when we went to
see the gypsy
fortune teller in Atlantic City.
And as she spread out her
tarot
cards
I asked her
which one says that
Suzanne and I will live happily ever after?
And she said something in, I think, Romanian
so I beat her up,
ripped up her cards,
and shattered her crystal ball.
That's why you love me.
Because I think English should be the official language.

Or how about that time
we went to France
to picnic in the gardens of Versailles.
And as we gazed into each others eyes, like many other
lovers there,
the faint sound of children's laughter
emanated from across
the landscape.
And while all other lovers seemed oblivious to the world around them,
I chased
those punk kids
off the lawn.
That's why you love me.
Because I believe kids should be in school on weekdays.

Ahh, Suzanne, the reasons that you love me are vast.
You want more, you say?
Who am I to deny you
that which your heart desires?

Last night,
for example
as we shared a bottle (or two..I won't tell!) of
wine
and reminisced
about your days
on E!
Which I pretended to remember
(although, not being gay, I had never watched
that channel).
That's why you love me.
Because I care enough about your career
to fake it.

And, remember the first time you
came over to my place
and you noticed
that my DVR was filled
with clips of your "overnight newsbreaks"
exclusive of
everything else?
And I told you that
was because
none of the other fox anchors
were literate enough to read the teleprompter?
Especially that slut, Laurie Dhue?
That's why you love me.
Because I care enough to lie and to smear
a younger, blonder competitor.

What light thru yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Suzanne Sena is the
babe on my High-Definition TV.
That's what Shakespeare would have written
if he had subscribed to more
than
basic cable.

It's funny, in a way
Julie Banderas called me up the other day
and so did Go-Go Gomez.
I screened their calls.
I know what they are up to.
I've seen it before.
First it was Ainsley Earhardt.
Then it was Courtney Friel.
Next it was Red Eye hangers on like Alison Rosen,
and Julia Alison
and even Bill Schulz.
All trying to get a piece of Jack.
But I ignored them all.
(Well, maybe not Banderas...)
That's why you love me.
Because I, usually, avoid temptation by springing for Caller ID.
And when I don't
I at least make them call collect
so it's not on your dime.

Are there other reasons you love me?
Of course!
Who could forget the time
we were snowed in at the ski lodge
and we cuddled together by the fireplace
nestled on the bear skin rug
toasting marshmellows on the flame
and drinking irish coffee
until that moment came
when
you spread your wings
and learned to fly
as I embraced
the warm blossom of your womanhood
and...
aw
who am I kidding.
I suck at metaphors.
I'm talking about sex.
Hot, steamy, throw-down on the floor sex.
That's why you love me.
I'm not a pretentious mangina like Brawny Man.

Ultimately, though, no
one poem
no matter how epic
is capable of listing
all the reasons
you love me.
So this will have to do for now.
I hope the insights into "who Jack is"
will further fan the flame
of your desire for me.
I guess I'll find out
next week.
We are still on for dinner?
Your treat?
Because that's why you love me.
I'm secure enough in my manhood to let you pay my way.

Happy Valentine's Day, Suzanne!

posted by Jack M. at 02:00 PM

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