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August 25, 2007

Paul Anka Baits Me Into Linking His Rant Again

Paul, you could have just asked:

Q: Is there a key to your continued success?

A: "Surrounding myself with the best people -- musicians, arrangers -- is certainly part of it. That's something that was reinforced for me by Sinatra. Once you have that base, and if you've got focus and integrity in what you're doing, then you've got a shot as a creative person. I've been a creative person first -- not just a singer and a performer."

The very funny Paul Anka rant. If you're new to this site, a lot of catchphrases are from this.

And once you've internalized the Zen of Paul, you might want to see if you've attained integrity Nirvana by taking this quiz. Reposted below is the Integrity SAT.

Thanks to MonicaB.

Retired Geezer... always asks that I link the Forgotten Paul Anka Post. The one where Retired Geezer announced to the world, or at least to me, that he had, in fact, been one of Paul Anka's lighting guys during the period of the rant. (Though not actually present at this particular rant.)

Document: Entrance Exam for Membership in Paul Anka's Band

Please mark your answers clearly with a #2 Pencil. You will have exactly one hour to complete this test, 30 minutes for the multiple choice section and 30 minutes for the essay or "free response" portion. Use your time wisely. Incorrect answers will be counted against your score.

1. Which of the following do you believe would constitute acceptable upper-body clothing on stage?

a) Dress is strictly come-as-you-are

b) T-shirts are acceptable

c) Fucking T-shirts are acceptable

d) No upper-body clothing is necessary; Mr. Paul Anka only requires that your genitals be at least partially covered

e) The guys get shirts

2. Hypothetically, suppose you are the pilot of a plane. You wish to land your aircraft safely. What do you look at?

a) The instruments only

b) The fucking runway, to make sure it's fucking there

c) Both A & B

d) Mr. Paul Anka, to see if his arms are raised to indicate the cut-off to the song I'm Not Anyone

e) All of the above

3. Mr. Paul Anka says he wants ideas from the band. What do you think this might mean?

a) That he wants ideas from the band

b) That he doesn't want any fucking ideas, he wants to know what went wrong and how to fix it

4. Who are you watching?

a) Joe

b) Graham

c) John

d) that guy the other night that cost Mr. Paul Anka twenty or thirty fucking grand because he was short labor and the crew got fucked

e) Mr. Paul Anka

5. Suppose Mr. Paul Anka informs you he wants something done a certain way. Which of the following do you believe is an acceptable alternative to Mr. Paul Anka's way?

a) any way-- Mr. Paul Anka promotes an atmosphere of freewheeling improvisation

b) any way that gets the job done-- Mr. Paul Anka rewards creativity when combined with discipline

c) Joe's way

d) Vinny Falcone's way

e) "the highway"

6. Who is the only important one on that stage?

a) Graham

b) John

c) "the Trombone Player"

d) We're all equally important

e) Mr. Paul Anka

7. In what sense is the band important?

a) in every sense

b) in almost all important senses

c) in most senses

d) in some senses

e) the band is only important "in the totality" -- Mr. Paul Anka is the only important one on that stage

8. A Three Part Question. For each question, assume Mr. Paul Anka gives you a job.

i. Do you like your job?

a) Yes

b) No

ii. Well, do you want to keep your job?

a) Yes

b) No

iii. Well fucking answer me. Do you?

a) Yes

b) No

9. Which of the following attributes do you feel it is most important for a bandmember to possess?

a) heart

b) substance

c) character

d) "conscious"

e) all of the above

10. Which of the following persons would most likely be deemed "indispensable" by Mr. Paul Anka?

a) "a promoter in the theater"

b) "the lighting guys"

c) "C.J. Powell"

d) Jesus Christ

e) None of the Above

11. Another Three-Part Question:

i. Do you understand where Mr. Paul Anka is coming from with integrity?

a) Yes

b) No

ii. Do you understand that's just the mood he's in? The fucking integrity-kick he's on?

a) Yes

b) No

iii. I'm not going to put up with this shit. Do you fucking understand that or not?

a) Yes

b) No

12. Assume hypothetically you become a member of Mr. Paul Anka's band. Your checks do not bounce; furthermore, you get full value on your money. Which of the following would you say best describes the level of your commitment to Mr. Paul Anka?

a) Just take the money and don't give a fucking shit about anything, because you've got no conscious, no heart, and no substance

b) Tell Mr. Paul Anka "I don't care," then finish the tour and and then you're gone

c) Support Mr. Paul Anka with all of the enthusiasm he's got for it

d) Give Mr. Paul Anka "full value" on your service

e) Both C & D

13. Again assume hypothetically that you are a member of Mr. Paul Anka's band. You've just finished a show, and Mr. Paul Aka feels that there is "a lot of loose shit going on here." At the subsequent post-mortem, which of the following should you not offer Mr. Paul Anka?

a) "intelligent input"

b) "some fucking knowledge"

c) "intelligent fucking answers"

d) "integrity"

e) "confusion"

ANALOGIES. For Questions 14 and 15, select the answer which contains the word-pair which most closely shares the same relationship as the given word-pair.


a) exercise: swimming in a quiet lake

b) triumph: defeating an important rival

c) serenity: watching a peaceful sunset

d) transportation: riding an express train

e) satisfaction: reaming your fucking ass


a) love : beautiful woman

b) sing : difficult song

c) learn : young pupil

d) laugh : practical joke

e) slice : fucking hammer

(End of multiple-choice section. Please check your work on this section until the proctor instructs you to begin the free-response portion of the exam.)


You may now begin the free-response portion of the exam.

Free-Response Question: You will have thirty minutes to write essays in response to the following two propositions.

Proposition One: That's Just. The Way. It Fucking. Is.

Do you agree with this proposition? If so, why? If not, why not?

Proposition Two: You should make a fucking maniac out of Mr. Paul Anka.

What do you believe this proposition means? Do you agree or disagree with this proposition? Defend your response, drawing on your own reading or experiences for support.

EXTRA CREDIT: You may gain points by providing a thoughtful response to the following question:

Where's Joe?





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posted by Ace at 03:38 PM

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